Check out my Hollywood Hit Lists from the last few weeks on the LI News Radio Morning Show with Jay Oliver and George Romano
I said Boner this morning while talking about Magic Mike XXL. Nothing beats that....See what I did there? Thanks for listening!
Hey Tasians! Check out my Hollywood Hit Lists from the LI News Radio Morning Show on 103.9 FM Friday 4.3.15
Disney can't stop making live action, James Spaders' Ultron voice gives me a lady boner, The Smoking Man & Skinner are returning to the X-Files, GOT has spoilers, Kimmy Gibbler is getting her own show & more...
As always thanks for listening!
Welcome to episode 8 of The JP Pop n' Stuf Podcast. We were joined by surprise guest Comedian Tim Dillon who was performing at Governors while we were taping. In tonights episode we talk about what happens when ghetto meets Northport, what kind of degree you need to point at things at the MET, what it took to make Melanie look pretty for her sisters wedding, the Muppets, a toy drive comedy show at Crossroads & we call my mom at the very end so stick around for it. She threatens to kick Melanies ass and calls me bootylicious...
Follow Tim Dillon on twitter: @timjdillon
Follow Melanie Englert on twitter: @melanieenglert
Follow Jeannie Powers on twitter: @funtasian
Decemeber 13th at 10:00 pm at Crossroads Restaurant in Hicksville there will be a toy drive comedy show featuring Tim Dillon,
Melanie Englert & Dennis Rooney. Bring a new unwrapped toy. The show is FREE! I'll be there too...yayayayaa! Just show up, bring a toy and be merry...
Hey...
Welcome to episode 7!
Thanks for stopping by. In this episode we shiver (not sit shivahhh), talk about how horrible it is to REALLY receive coal for Christmas, why you should always wear a helmet while riding a horse, my Jabba the Hut photo(if we get enough comments, I will post it), the year my Christmas was ruined by a dog mauling and the LA Swat Team, maggots on the ceiling, Hunger Games Catching Fire, Gremlins the movie, Pirahna. Stick it out til the end for a special treat...Melanies favorite drink.
To see who will be playing at all three Governors Comedy Clubs: http://www.govs.com/
To see non jabba the hut photos of me: http://www.adriennebrandphotography.com/
Follow Melanie on twitter: @melanieenglert
Follow Jeannie on twitter: @funtasian
Like my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian
To Learn more about the film Umbrellas Kill: http://www.umbrellaskill.com/ While you are there, sign the petition!
Also visit the director of Umbrellas Kill at http://www.joepomarico.com/
Thanks for listening!!
Welcome to Episode 2 of The JP Pop n' Stuf Podcast. Tune in and listen to us talk about rabies shots, spraying the toilet with poo-pourri, Melanies infatuation with presidential tapes, Marc David Herschmann, real pebbles in the fruity pebbles and other funny stuff. Thanks for listening. If you would like to comment, ask us any questions, or have a topic...email us at jppopnstuf@gmail.com or funtasian227@gmail.com
You can also find Jeannie on twitter @funtasian
Melanie on twitter @melanie_englert
Like my fanpage: facebook.com/thefuntasian
Here it is, the very first episode of The JP Pop n' Stuff Podcast!
I am joined by my co-host Comedian Melanie Englert who is absolutely obsessed with looking at my beautiful pictures everyday, I have no idea why I dont like things & don't think I need a reason, Melanie humps a stove while tripping out and gives birth to a turkey, how many times do you have to stab a pig and more...
Listen in for all the hilarity. We hope you enjoy episode one & as always thank you for your support!
We will have a seperate website soon. Just workin out the kinks.
Follow Melanie on twitter: @melanie_englert & on facebook: Melanie Englert
Follow Me on twitter: @funtasian & like my fan page www.facebook.com/thefuntasian
For suggestions on future topics or comments about our latest show email Melanie & Jeannie at jppopnstuf@gmail.com
Waking the Kracken - Day 4 of her Freshman Year...
Being the Spawn of Satan is no easy task. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done like; turning people to stone, staying cranky 24/7, hiding your spiked tail & trying not to melt people with your fire breath. The fact she is my child probably doesn't help her in the "Be nice" category either.
Not to mention the KMS (Kracken Monstrual Syndrome) she gets every 28 days. Yes, I meant to say Monstrual. Pray for me.
This morning at 5:15 I decided to go in her lair with a normal voice to wake her. I had no plans to yell. Also, I wasn't tickling her feet again because I still have festering wounds from yesterday. As I am saying her name 50 times she finally moves. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open and peering at me so I flicked on the light. You would have thought I shined UV light on a vampire because she flailed like she had just walked into a spider web. At this point, my best bet was to run back to my comfy bed and wait.
Tick Tock...Tick Tock...
Almost an hour goes by and she still hasnt left her room to brush her teeth or eat her Pop Tarts. Not exactly strange behavior but it was awfully quiet in there except for the slight sounds of rustling papers. I can see into the crack of her cave that shes sitting at the edge of her bed. She can very stealthy so I jumped out of bed and was in her room within a second or two. She stared me down and I could've sworn for a split second she was scared of me. NOPE
Me: are you doing your math homework at 6:15am?
Kracken: no just checking my backpack
(I grab the open notebook from her hands and look at the ditto)
Me: Really, because having that calculator hidden in your lap, the wet ink on your ditto & the fact you look like the Kracken that just ate Andromeda doesn't exactly fit the description of checking your backpack.
Kracken: **crickets**
After spying her math homework and thinking it looked like jibberish I cant help but think it really wasn't homework but the dimensions of the crate she will keep me in locked in the basement.
4 more hours til day 5.
One more day til Saturday's sleep in. I may just wake her at 5:15 for my own amusement then take cover.
It is going to be a long school year. I can't wait for Saturday just so I can sleep in. This is such crap.
I decided to take a quieter approach to waking the Kracken this morning instead of just barging in her room yelling that Zeus was coming for her first born.
So at 5:15am I tip toed in its room without protective gear. She looked so peaceful under the blanket with her flaming auburn tresses stretched out over the pillow. I would not be deterred by my beautiful ginger Kracken.
Trying not to make any noise, I lifted the end of the blanket and tickled the bottom of its feet only to be clawed by its sharp untrimmed talons.
Day 3 was not a success. I threw a nail clipper at it and made a bee-line to the nearest medicine man for a tetanus shot. AKA Irish whiskey...
Like my fan page!! http://facebook.com/thefuntasian
I had the great pleasure of being a guest on The Chris Monty Show with Host Chris Monty, Co-Host Matt Burke and also Chris Roach. I couldn't have asked for a better trio to sit in with. They are 3 of the funniest comedians I know & I definitely needed a drink first before going in the studio with these guys. It went by so fast. I can't wait to come back.
Click the link below to listen to the Po' Pourri Episode 12 with ME...
http://thechrismontypodcast.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/the-chris-monty-show-episode-12-po-pourri/
We talk deep frying skin, Matt Burke names my first book, my life in the rice patties, why I'm a Minnesota Viking fan, the lovely bar where I met my husband, sperm whales, dung and other fun stuff.
Recently Chris Monty filmed a funny commercial for PBS called meet the Tanners. Click the youtube link below to watch the hilarity
To listen to other episodes of The Chris Monty Show with Chris & Matt: http://thechrismontypodcast.wordpress.com/
Definitely check the schedule at http://govs.com/ for upcoming shows featuring Chris Monty, Chris Roach & Matt Burke. You will not be disappointed seeing any of these comedians. They are all great at what they do.
Follow Chris Monty on twitter @comicchrismonty
Follow Matt Burke on twitter @_Matt_burke
Follow Chris Roach on Twitter @ROACHCOMIC
Follow me on twitter @funtasian
Like my fanpage facebook.com/thefuntasian
As always thank you for stopping by, reading my blogs and supporting my dysfunction. MWAHHH!
My cholesterol was high...very very high. So high that my doctor mailed me my blood work with little notes next to all the bad things. First things first he wrote...lose some weight and cut your carbs and sugar. Oh ok...have you seen my daily intake? You just want me to give up everything that is holy to my food needs? For instance...My boss keeps a candy box that is loaded with all my favorite chocolates to pick from everyday. My mom makes the best home made biscotti I have ever eaten in my life and then tops it off by drizzling chocolate over every piece. There is finally a crepe place that knows how to make a crepe right up the road and lets not forget I can't drive passed a White Castle without grabbing a sack or two of onion rings. Not to mention anytime someone wants me to do them a favor at work, they are very proactive with the Godiva and snacks promptly left on my desk in advance.
The doctor was right. I needed to watch what I put in my body. For the first time in my life, I was going on a meal plan. Being on a meal plan isnt easy. It fucking sucks. You can only eat whats on that list and you cant cheat at all. Really...how bad could one raisinet be? Its so wittle!!
First you get your food shopping list together thinking, "YEA!! I can do this!" I compare it to everyone who gets new sneakers for Christmas and they can't wait to start their New Years resolution at the nearest Planet Fitness only to last 5 days before retiring those Reeboks to the back of the closet and all your new workout clothes from Marshalls still have the tags attached & won't see the light of day.
The first day on the meal plan or any diet is always good because you are gung-ho on being healthy. This meal plan makes you feel like you are at a Golden Corral buffet because you are eating five times a day every 3 hours. Let me tell you something very important...this feeling fades fast. On day one your brain still has no idea whats going on yet. By the middle of day two, your brain is on to the trickery and is hell bent on making sure you can feel its wrath. By day three you are fiending for sugar, carbs or anything that is NOT on the list. You would lick the burnt nooks and crannies off the bottom of the toaster oven. Your head hurts and you can't think straight. Your brain is coming off the sugar and it is PISSED.
Chew some gum they said. It'll help you they said. LIES LIES LIES. You know what would help me? A big fat blueberry cream pie from Briermeres. I called my nurtrionist and begged her to eat something. 3 hours between meals is a LONG ASS TIME when you are dying for food. I had to put tape over the clock on my pc and shut off my phone so I couldn't see the time. She told me I couldn't eat anything, but what my meals were and that in a few days I would be ok. Drink some tea she tells me. Scew you. I was not going to be alright. I was starting to look at people and weighing my options. I wasn't opposed to cannibalism between meals. People were definitely NOT on the list.
By day four I couldn't take a dump and now my head really hurt. My body was in shock and being posioned by my own poop. Where are my fries it asked. Please give me a Snickers bar it begged. Instead it got a fuckin rice cake and 3 oz of chicken salad as my 3rd meal of the day. I can't even tell you how I looked forward to my tablespoon of all natural peanut butter & sugar free jello. I never licked a spoon so clean in my life.
So what happened by day 5? I took a shit. Have you ever seen a rabbit shit? My body was absorbing all the good food and leaving nothing for my intestines but little bunny foo foos excrement. This was terrible. I literally wanted to die, but I was going to show my doctor I could do this and lower my cholesterol. I was so bloated. It was like being on vacation when your body betrays you and your intertines shut down til five minutes before your flight leaves.
By day 6 you are doing better with your hunger and your bowel movements make it to milk dud status. Of course day 6 landed on a Friday. This meant that day 7 & 8 were on the weekend. There would be no going out to dinner for me. I brought a muscle milk to the movies and didn't get any popcorn which for me is comparable to having my legs torn from my body.
On day 9, there is good news though. I weighed myself and I was down 8 pounds. So really, it was working. Is it easy? Not at all. Would I continue? Of course. At some point between day 6 & day 9 my ass decided to turn itself inside out from the 4 cups of salad it was getting every night. Just keepin it real folks. Weight loss was swift and imminent now. I can cancel my appointment for a colonic.
I made it to day 14 with excellent results. Ten pounds gone. Mostly due to the instant poo. I no longer want to hit the candy box. White Castle doesnt seem too appealing althought I still want it. Kinda like a crack head. I pray that no one brings me a Krispy Kreme because then it would be all down hill. Making 5 meals a day does take work but at least I know what I am putting in my body & that's a good thing. What comes out afterwards...not so good, but at least it's a clean wipe.
Thanks for stopping by...
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See you next time on Inside the Flip Side!!