The Funtasian

Waking the Kracken Day 5 of 180 Days...

She was relatively tame. I am sure it was due to exhaustion. I watched her sway from side to side on the edge of her bed waiting for the face plant that never came. Part of me wanted to give her a little nudge, but I too was exhausted this morning. 

I started singing this song from Nightmare on Elm Street came to mind while I waited for her to strike...With a few changes of course.

One two the Kracken's coming for you

Three four, better lock your doors

Five six, grab your pop tarts & crucifix

Seven eight, better not wake up late

Nine ten, never heard from again...

She's making me lose my mind, lose my mind...

See you on day six...

It is going to be a long school year. I can't wait for Saturday just so I can sleep in. This is such crap. 

I decided to take a quieter approach to waking the Kracken this morning instead of just barging in her room yelling that Zeus was coming for her first born. 

So at 5:15am I tip toed in its room without protective gear. She looked so peaceful under the blanket with her flaming auburn tresses stretched out over the pillow. I would not be deterred by my beautiful ginger Kracken. 

Trying not to make any noise, I lifted the end of the blanket and tickled the bottom of its feet only to be clawed by its sharp untrimmed talons. 

Day 3 was not a success. I threw a nail clipper at it and made a bee-line to the nearest medicine man for a tetanus shot. AKA Irish whiskey...

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Well that sucked...

I have 3 alarms set on my phone two did not go off. The third did, but I had already overslept a half hour. I ran into its dwelling and screamed, "The bus is coming!" All the while not making eye contact of course.

It was undeterred, looked at the clock, snarled at me and rolled back over. Ten minutes later and still occupying its lair, I yelled again. It ROARED at me that it was up so I slinked back into my bed where I believe I was tranqued with a dart gun because I don't remember her leaving for school. 

When I awoke there was a half eaten Pop Tart in the vicinity. Crumbs were everywhere & clearly she was mocking me.

I called her at 3pm today to see how her second day of school went. 

Me: How was school?

Kracken: Fine

Me: What did you wear to school today?

Kracken: Clothes

Me: Clothes huh? What a silly choice. Was your Medusa Head Dress unavailable? 

Kracken: **Silence...**

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of the Kracken Kronicles - Freshman Year

Day 1 of Waking the Kracken. Freshman Year...

Lets start by backing up to last night when I got home. I took pre-emptive measures by going to Target and buying 3 different flavors of Pop Tarts. Chocolate Peanut Butter, Nutty Butter & RED VELVET. I also bought her a few notebooks. High school doesn't give a what you need list prior like all the other grades. This is fine with me as Targets back to school aisles looked worse than a Syrian bombing. 

Now the Kracken has to be woken at 5:15 a.m.. It is ten pm and shes still hangin on the pc, still not showered. She has no idea what she is going to wear, back pack is not packed, she doesn't know where her forms are or what bus number she is on. This is not a 9th grader that I am dealing with. More like a 2nd grader. I know, I created her. 

After her shower she tells me she wants to wear shorts on the first day but she needs to use Veet on her legs. Its 10:15, I say, can't you wear pants?? NOPE...

She tells me she wants to do it herself and she will read the directions. I go over it with her anyway and I am explicit in saying NO MORE than 3 to 6 minutes. She wont let me show her how to do it. Fine...I am out of here. 

While I am waiting for her to get done veeting her wolverine legs I notice a weird smell coming at me. I know this smell. Its when the hair removal cream is left for too long and you are melting the first 3 layers of skin off. I yell to the Kracken, "What are you doing in there, its been a half hour!". Her response is, "I'm fine". Bullshit.

At this point it is almost 11pm so I go in the bathroom. How she was still able to breath is beyond me because I needed a hazmat mask. She was clearly upset that she used Veet three times but her legs still had hair on them. THREE times!! No wonder the house smelled like a crematory. I grabbed the Intuition razor and shaved the fur patches off my little hell monster. It seemed grateful.

11:15pm...The Kracken goes to bed. Notice I didn't say goes to sleep...

1:15am...I go to bed

2:00am...

I am startled by the fire alarm going off and I fall out of bed. Nobody else seems bothered by it and within seconds the alarm stops. Still I run around the house looking for a fire. It still smelled like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant and melted a Nazis face off. 

By 3am and with only 2 hours left before I have to wake the Kracken the fire alarm has now been going off every five minutes. I keep getting up and still find nothing. The husband tells me they have to be disconnected. And how the fuck do I do that?

I go room to room climbing on a stool rippping wires out of the smoke alarms. I realized I forgot the Krackens room and at 3:30 I go in her cavern. I try to be stealth because I assume she is sleeping when I hear her muffled voice say, "I haven't even slept yet". The only reply I could muster was, "Oh honey, you are fuckin screwed...please please please try and sleep"

With the alarms now disconnected I head back to my bedroom and think to myself. Geesh the smell of burning flesh now has a faint smell of dog shit. I run around the house looking for a pile of doggie dung. I dont find anything but I smell it. I am so tired that I think it is still the veet and chemically burned flesh from the Krackens hairy legs.

5:15am and the alarm sounds

Ugh. I just want to hit snooze fifty times. I have only slept for about an hour and a half. I am going with the Kracken hasn't slept more than that either. I stumble into the kitchen and grab Red Velvet pop tarts and use the wall as my guide back to her room with one eye open. 

In my delusional mind, she has grown out of Mommy having to wake her and she will be up and dressed when I open her door. Nope, she was out cold.

Attempt #1 (there is video that will be posted eventually)

Me: Sydney...

Kracken: Grunt...

Me: Wakey wakey eggs & bakey

Kracken: Grunt

Me: Here is your breakfast <tosses a package of Pop Tarts> So I lied about the bakey

Kracken: Grunt

I continue to say her name & then there is movement. Holy shit, she is getting up... That was wayyyy too easy

Attempt #2

Her slight movement was just a ploy. I know this game but at this point we are both completely exhausted. I am laying in my bed facing her room calling her name over and over for the next 45 minutes because having to get up again to grab my sword and shield is too much this morning. 

It is getting angry with me. I can tell this by the short answers I am getting. Every single reply from her was "K". How ironic. K is for Kracken. K is also for Mom, shut the fuck up I am moving. K is also for if I had a knife I would stab you. 

It is now 6am and she has ten minutes to get out the door. I force it to take a picture AND smile. It complies after breathing fire at me so I told her to brush her teeth. 

6:10am

After much rushing her around and the chomping of the Pop Tarts, the Kracken is out the door heading to her first day of High School. As she leaves she says, "I smell something." I am too tired to sniff so I head back to bed.

Fast forward 11:00am

Madzilla: (in my ear) MOM...MOM...MOM...Its 11am, I know you can hear me. I know that you are awake.

Me: (in my brain somewhere) What does she think I am? The Matrix? Shut the fuck up. Go away child. Don't you have class? Get away from me you horrible person. Geesh, what's that smell? 

12:00pm

Madzilla: I FOUND POOP & I AM NOT CLEANING IT UP 

Me: I HATE YOU.

Leo had diarrhea under seans workout equipment. He also peed all over the foyer sometime in the middle of the night & I slipped in it as I am trying to leave for work. eff my face right now...

3:00pm

Me: Hey how was your first day of school?

Kracken: K. 

Me: Do NOT take a nap. You are not allowed to sleep til later.

Kracken: K.

It hates me. 

10:30pm

I go in her room to see if she is sleeping & she is not. I tell her to go to sleep. 

Kracken: What do you think I was trying to do before you walked in?

Me: I don't know. Plan my untimely death? 

Tomorrow,  I think I will let her father handle her in the morning...but then we might not find his body...wink wink. 

Stay tuned for day 2 of the Kracken Kronicles: Her Freshman year. Which as of right now is happening in 3 hours. 

Thank you for stopping by & for your support!!

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The Kracken starts her freshman year of high school next week. That's 9th grade for those who can't remember or skipped it altogether. I can not lie and say I am not excited to wake her at 5:30am. I CAN'T WAIT!! The poptarts will be hung by her door with care or thrown at her pillow. Whichever makes for an easier escape. 

Syd told me she is nervous. I would be too. There are super seniors and even better...super duper seniors. 13 & 14 year olds mixed in with 18 & 19 year olds. Remember folks, 1 in 4 teens contract an STD every year...(with the US having the highest STD rate in the industrialized world) I just love fun facts, don't you? Don't be an after school special. Talk to your kids. 

I took the Kracken school shopping today. That was fun. I only slammed the dressing room door in her face one time. I have a question...Why is everything in the girls section full of glitter and sparkles? I don't blame her for not liking all that bling on the clothes she wears. Who the hell wants to walk around looking like a living, breathing Lite Brite anyway?  Having to point at everything in the store and I mean every single item and saying, "What about this?" was equivalint to being stabbed in my eyeballs. Only to get this answer..."Ehh, I dont know. I guess." I guess means yes & I wasn't taking any chances.   

Madzilla is off to college tomorrow, also as a Freshman. She is going to SUNY Suffolk. Yup, in case you weren't aware, Suffolk is a SUNY school. Why did she pick Suffolk? There are a few reasons. First, core classes no matter where you take them are still core classes. She's saving money. Well, she saved her parents money. Second, she can't leave her mommy. At least not yet...

K thru 12 went by so fast. Just yesterday Mad was shitting up her back in retaliation to formula & tomorrow I pray she makes it to class on time. I am glad she didn't go away. Of course when Mad was 12 and going thru that "hormonal change" I couldn't wait for her to go. I even told another mom at the barn who cried for days when her daughter left for college, "Why the hell are you crying so much?".  I really get it now. Just the thought of her leaving brings me to tears. Unless she takes Leo, then I am good. Take him and get out. Oh and take those mini velociraptors in your room too. They scream & it's creepy. 

Being a parent is hard no matter what the age. It never gets easier. If you ask me, it gets habitual. I watch my friends with little kids & I wonder how they do it everyday. I seem to forget that I did that already. I watch as my friends are planning thier kids weddings & becoming grandparents and I think, "Oh SHIT, how do they do it?" Honestly, I don't want to do either of that. At least not yet. Teen Mom & Say Yes to the Dress is not getting my daughter anytime soon. Back off Pinterest...

Having two teenage girls, I have learned a few things. 

1. Text, email, sky write, call & leave a note on every little thing you say...They still lie & say you NEVER told them

2. There are never enough pads in this house...I ain't talkin' note pads fellas.

3. Hide all your favorite T-Shirts...there are cleptos amongst us & they LIE

4. Not being on the same cycle is worse than everyone being on it at the same time...I am glad I am not Sean

5. "Eh" means maybe, yes & no...Take your pick & good luck

6. Towels disappear like socks...Madzilla ate them

7. When in doubt hug them...just because

My girls are moving onto the next chapter in their young lives; High School & College. AKA..Regents exams & Freshman Sem.. Bitchy cliques & Beer Pong. Early wake up calls & Drive your own ass to school. I don't miss any of that shit. (beer pong doesn't count, I still play it)

Good luck Madeline & Sydney. Mommy loves you. I know you will do great this year because you're my kids and neither of you know how to fail. Except you Madzilla, you know how to fail math, but that's trig and who uses trig after high school? NO ONE...

Thanks for stopping by!! See you next time on Inside the Flipside. 

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Six white boys who go to Longwood High School debuted their first mix tape today. I don't really know much about them except that I really really like their new songs. It's an accomplishment they should be very proud of. I am going to bring them in for an impromptu interview in the near future and get all the deets for ya. Maybe I will video tape it. Should be fun. Can't wait. 

Here is the link to all their new songs. Tune in. 

https://soundcloud.com/nasaamusic/sets/spacecamp#play