The Funtasian

Waking the Kracken - Day 12 & 13 of 180 Days 

It doesn't want to wake up & neither do I. Apprently KMS is contagious & I have it bad. 

I watched her father go in there and say her name at least 15 times with no response. I told him I will deal with her. ( I have yet to whip out my Medusa wig but I will!)

I went in there and yelled her name. It heard me and hissed back OK!! I AM UP!! 

As I started to back out of her lair, it laid back down in its own drool & began to snore. 

I yelled one more time that she was walking to High School today & she rose from her coma, grabbed a pop tart, left a trail of crumbs in her wake and off to school she went. 

She is going to have to start using that little black box on her end table called a clock one of these days before I turn myself to stone with my own Medusa wig. 

Waking the Kracken Day 5 of 180 Days...

She was relatively tame. I am sure it was due to exhaustion. I watched her sway from side to side on the edge of her bed waiting for the face plant that never came. Part of me wanted to give her a little nudge, but I too was exhausted this morning. 

I started singing this song from Nightmare on Elm Street came to mind while I waited for her to strike...With a few changes of course.

One two the Kracken's coming for you

Three four, better lock your doors

Five six, grab your pop tarts & crucifix

Seven eight, better not wake up late

Nine ten, never heard from again...

She's making me lose my mind, lose my mind...

See you on day six...

Waking the Kracken - Day 4 of her Freshman Year...

Being the Spawn of Satan is no easy task. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done like; turning people to stone, staying cranky 24/7, hiding your spiked tail & trying not to melt people with your fire breath. The fact she is my child probably doesn't help her in the "Be nice" category either. 

Not to mention the KMS (Kracken Monstrual Syndrome) she gets every 28 days. Yes, I meant to say Monstrual. Pray for me. 

This morning at 5:15 I decided to go in her lair with a normal voice to wake her. I had no plans to yell. Also, I wasn't tickling her feet again because I still have festering wounds from yesterday. As I am saying her name 50 times she finally moves. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open and peering at me so I flicked on the light. You would have thought I shined UV light on a vampire because she flailed like she had just walked into a spider web. At this point, my best bet was to run back to my comfy bed and wait. 

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

Almost an hour goes by and she still hasnt left her room to brush her teeth or eat her Pop Tarts. Not exactly strange behavior but it was awfully quiet in there except for the slight sounds of rustling papers. I can see into the crack of her cave that shes sitting at the edge of her bed. She can very stealthy so I jumped out of bed and was in her room within a second or two. She stared me down and I could've sworn for a split second she was scared of me. NOPE

Me: are you doing your math homework at 6:15am?

Kracken: no just checking my backpack

(I grab the open notebook from her hands and look at the ditto) 

Me: Really, because having that calculator hidden in your lap, the wet ink on your ditto & the fact you look like the Kracken that just ate Andromeda doesn't exactly fit the description of checking your backpack.

Kracken: **crickets**

After spying her math homework and thinking it looked like jibberish I cant help but think it really wasn't homework but the dimensions of the crate she will keep me in locked in the basement. 

4 more hours til day 5. 

One more day til Saturday's sleep in. I may just wake her at 5:15 for my own amusement then take cover. 

It is going to be a long school year. I can't wait for Saturday just so I can sleep in. This is such crap. 

I decided to take a quieter approach to waking the Kracken this morning instead of just barging in her room yelling that Zeus was coming for her first born. 

So at 5:15am I tip toed in its room without protective gear. She looked so peaceful under the blanket with her flaming auburn tresses stretched out over the pillow. I would not be deterred by my beautiful ginger Kracken. 

Trying not to make any noise, I lifted the end of the blanket and tickled the bottom of its feet only to be clawed by its sharp untrimmed talons. 

Day 3 was not a success. I threw a nail clipper at it and made a bee-line to the nearest medicine man for a tetanus shot. AKA Irish whiskey...

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Well that sucked...

I have 3 alarms set on my phone two did not go off. The third did, but I had already overslept a half hour. I ran into its dwelling and screamed, "The bus is coming!" All the while not making eye contact of course.

It was undeterred, looked at the clock, snarled at me and rolled back over. Ten minutes later and still occupying its lair, I yelled again. It ROARED at me that it was up so I slinked back into my bed where I believe I was tranqued with a dart gun because I don't remember her leaving for school. 

When I awoke there was a half eaten Pop Tart in the vicinity. Crumbs were everywhere & clearly she was mocking me.

I called her at 3pm today to see how her second day of school went. 

Me: How was school?

Kracken: Fine

Me: What did you wear to school today?

Kracken: Clothes

Me: Clothes huh? What a silly choice. Was your Medusa Head Dress unavailable? 

Kracken: **Silence...**

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of the Kracken Kronicles - Freshman Year

The Kracken starts her freshman year of high school next week. That's 9th grade for those who can't remember or skipped it altogether. I can not lie and say I am not excited to wake her at 5:30am. I CAN'T WAIT!! The poptarts will be hung by her door with care or thrown at her pillow. Whichever makes for an easier escape. 

Syd told me she is nervous. I would be too. There are super seniors and even better...super duper seniors. 13 & 14 year olds mixed in with 18 & 19 year olds. Remember folks, 1 in 4 teens contract an STD every year...(with the US having the highest STD rate in the industrialized world) I just love fun facts, don't you? Don't be an after school special. Talk to your kids. 

I took the Kracken school shopping today. That was fun. I only slammed the dressing room door in her face one time. I have a question...Why is everything in the girls section full of glitter and sparkles? I don't blame her for not liking all that bling on the clothes she wears. Who the hell wants to walk around looking like a living, breathing Lite Brite anyway?  Having to point at everything in the store and I mean every single item and saying, "What about this?" was equivalint to being stabbed in my eyeballs. Only to get this answer..."Ehh, I dont know. I guess." I guess means yes & I wasn't taking any chances.   

Madzilla is off to college tomorrow, also as a Freshman. She is going to SUNY Suffolk. Yup, in case you weren't aware, Suffolk is a SUNY school. Why did she pick Suffolk? There are a few reasons. First, core classes no matter where you take them are still core classes. She's saving money. Well, she saved her parents money. Second, she can't leave her mommy. At least not yet...

K thru 12 went by so fast. Just yesterday Mad was shitting up her back in retaliation to formula & tomorrow I pray she makes it to class on time. I am glad she didn't go away. Of course when Mad was 12 and going thru that "hormonal change" I couldn't wait for her to go. I even told another mom at the barn who cried for days when her daughter left for college, "Why the hell are you crying so much?".  I really get it now. Just the thought of her leaving brings me to tears. Unless she takes Leo, then I am good. Take him and get out. Oh and take those mini velociraptors in your room too. They scream & it's creepy. 

Being a parent is hard no matter what the age. It never gets easier. If you ask me, it gets habitual. I watch my friends with little kids & I wonder how they do it everyday. I seem to forget that I did that already. I watch as my friends are planning thier kids weddings & becoming grandparents and I think, "Oh SHIT, how do they do it?" Honestly, I don't want to do either of that. At least not yet. Teen Mom & Say Yes to the Dress is not getting my daughter anytime soon. Back off Pinterest...

Having two teenage girls, I have learned a few things. 

1. Text, email, sky write, call & leave a note on every little thing you say...They still lie & say you NEVER told them

2. There are never enough pads in this house...I ain't talkin' note pads fellas.

3. Hide all your favorite T-Shirts...there are cleptos amongst us & they LIE

4. Not being on the same cycle is worse than everyone being on it at the same time...I am glad I am not Sean

5. "Eh" means maybe, yes & no...Take your pick & good luck

6. Towels disappear like socks...Madzilla ate them

7. When in doubt hug them...just because

My girls are moving onto the next chapter in their young lives; High School & College. AKA..Regents exams & Freshman Sem.. Bitchy cliques & Beer Pong. Early wake up calls & Drive your own ass to school. I don't miss any of that shit. (beer pong doesn't count, I still play it)

Good luck Madeline & Sydney. Mommy loves you. I know you will do great this year because you're my kids and neither of you know how to fail. Except you Madzilla, you know how to fail math, but that's trig and who uses trig after high school? NO ONE...

Thanks for stopping by!! See you next time on Inside the Flipside. 

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As some of you may know my oldest child Madzilla just graduated from High School a few weeks ago. Days leading up to her graduation I would start tearing at the thought, but on the day she walked up to the podium to grab her empty green Longwood High School diploma holder, I did not shed a tear. Instead, I sighed. Strangely enough it wasn't a sigh of relief. I am not sure what I was feeling, but it was odd & it wasn't from the mimosas hidden in my backpack. I cried for days when she went off to kindergarten. I cried when she got her first ribbon at the Hampton Classic. I cried when she left for prom. I even cried when she went on her first date in a car with a boy. I am such a pussy... 

From the day tiny humans are able to carry a conversation they have been asked, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I know I have been asked a million times. Let's see...I wanted to be an astronaut, a vet, a musician, a ninja, the Bionic Woman(of course I didn't realize I would have to lose my limbs for this and possibly an eye and an ear drum), Batman,  a Crayola crayon color namer & a police officer just to name a few. Curiously nobody ever asked me "who" I wanted to be. 

Now that I am a mother of a graduate who is moving onto college this fall, I am inundated with the age old question..."What does she want to be?" That is all you hear people say every June. Do they really know? I still don't know and I am 41. Eeeek. They are just children going off for expensive schooling and having to choose a career. Of course I love that Madzilla wants to be a Large Animal Vet and like everything else she does (besides keeping her room clean) she will excel at it. Really though at this stage of her life, I am more concerned with who she wants to be and I think that is a question that should be asked more often. 

So I did just that at a table of teenagers recently by first asking, "What do you guys want to be?". They rattled off everything from the medical field to teaching to computers. (Except for the Kracken at age 13 said the question bothers her.) Then I asked, "WHO do you want to be?"  CRICKETS. Lots & lots of crickets.  They looked at me like I mind fucked every one of them. They had no idea how to answer it and just stared at me. One even said, "Oh my god, you just blew my mind & I don't know what to say."

With social media taking over the world, I feel like our children are slaves to technology. Too much instant gratification and not enough thinking for themselves. It's all about right now and it has made them very lazy. Who cares about 20 years from now. I will deal with that later. Well, for me it's twenty three years later & I am a mother scared for her children. Know who you want to be before knowing what you want to be. I've told my kids to strive to be a better person for yourself and not for what you think social media wants you to be. You are not your tumblr account or your twitter account or how many "friends" you have on Facebook. Who follows you on twitter does not define who you are. You are the future and from where I stand, that's a scary thought. 

Of course this is just my opinion. Who do I want to be? Here is my short answer...I want to be the one my children say make them laugh & learn from even though I am a complete maniac. Who am I? I am Batman. HA HA HA kidding. I am just a girl in love with laughter who cracks up at herself everyday in the hopes that I crack you up too. 

Are YOU  who you want to be? 

Yea so I kinda screwed with you on the title. It's the only funny thing in this post. Every once in awhile the Why So Serious Funtasian comes out. See what I did there? Thanks for stopping by and for your support. 

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