The Funtasian

Hey Tasians! Check out my Hollywood Hit Lists from the LI News Radio Morning Show on 103.9 FM Friday 4.3.15

Disney can't stop making live action, James Spaders' Ultron voice gives me a lady boner, The Smoking Man & Skinner are returning to the X-Files, GOT has spoilers, Kimmy Gibbler is getting her own show & more...

As always thanks for listening!

Welcome to Episode 5 of the JP Pop n Stuf Podcast with Jeannie Powers & Melanie Englert

In this episode Melanie is suffering from serious brown bottle flu, Melanie continues to have weird dreams about her head, Sasquatch, what movies make us cry, my review of Thor, The Muppets & other pop culture items. Listen all the way to the end...or "I'm going to kill you!" 

Thanks for listening! See y'all next Tuesday!

Leave a comment. We would love to hear from you! 

Follow Melanie on Twitter: @melanieenglert

Follow Me on Twitter: @funtasian

Check out my photos and more at http://www.adriennebrandphotography.com/

Also find out who will be playing at Governors, McGuires & The Brokerage Comedy Clubs by visiting http://www.govs.com/

Hello and welcome to Episode 4 of The JP Pop n' Stuf Podcast 

In this installment we talk about Man of Steel vs. Superman Returns where I completely tune Melanie out because I am thinking about Henry Cavills glorius body, Melanies take on what happened to Harrison Ford during the filming of Regarding Henry, my horrible description of Divergent, Melanie's obsession with Ed Kemper(she kept his creepy face on the monitor the whole time), Melanies disgusting burping habit, trying not to stay on topic, our latest diner experience & much much more. 

Next week I will be bringing you my review on Thor & Enders Game. I can already tell you that Thor was amazing because he is undeniably the hottest man in hollywood right now & I dont really care about Enders Game but I love m&ms in my popcorn so I will use any excuse to go to the movies. 

Melanie refuses to eat until people post comments about our podcast. Please do so by posting a comment below or she may not make it to Episode 5. So you are either going to kill her or make her really really fat. I on the other hand do not need a reason to eat. EVER...

Thanks for listening!

Like my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

Follow me on twitter: http://www.twitter.com/funtasian or @funtasian

Follow Melanie on twitter: http://twitter.com/melanieenglert or @MelanieEnglert

Here it is, the very first episode of The JP Pop n' Stuff Podcast! 

I am joined by my co-host Comedian Melanie Englert who  is absolutely obsessed with looking at my beautiful pictures everyday, I have no idea why I dont like things & don't think I need a reason, Melanie humps a stove while tripping out and gives birth to a turkey, how many times do you have to stab a pig and more...

Listen in for all the hilarity. We hope you enjoy episode one & as always thank you for your support! 

We will have a seperate website soon. Just workin out the kinks. 

Follow Melanie on twitter: @melanie_englert & on facebook: Melanie Englert

Follow Me on twitter: @funtasian & like my fan page www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

For suggestions on future topics or comments about our latest show email Melanie & Jeannie at jppopnstuf@gmail.com 

Waking the Kracken - Day 4 of her Freshman Year...

Being the Spawn of Satan is no easy task. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done like; turning people to stone, staying cranky 24/7, hiding your spiked tail & trying not to melt people with your fire breath. The fact she is my child probably doesn't help her in the "Be nice" category either. 

Not to mention the KMS (Kracken Monstrual Syndrome) she gets every 28 days. Yes, I meant to say Monstrual. Pray for me. 

This morning at 5:15 I decided to go in her lair with a normal voice to wake her. I had no plans to yell. Also, I wasn't tickling her feet again because I still have festering wounds from yesterday. As I am saying her name 50 times she finally moves. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open and peering at me so I flicked on the light. You would have thought I shined UV light on a vampire because she flailed like she had just walked into a spider web. At this point, my best bet was to run back to my comfy bed and wait. 

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

Almost an hour goes by and she still hasnt left her room to brush her teeth or eat her Pop Tarts. Not exactly strange behavior but it was awfully quiet in there except for the slight sounds of rustling papers. I can see into the crack of her cave that shes sitting at the edge of her bed. She can very stealthy so I jumped out of bed and was in her room within a second or two. She stared me down and I could've sworn for a split second she was scared of me. NOPE

Me: are you doing your math homework at 6:15am?

Kracken: no just checking my backpack

(I grab the open notebook from her hands and look at the ditto) 

Me: Really, because having that calculator hidden in your lap, the wet ink on your ditto & the fact you look like the Kracken that just ate Andromeda doesn't exactly fit the description of checking your backpack.

Kracken: **crickets**

After spying her math homework and thinking it looked like jibberish I cant help but think it really wasn't homework but the dimensions of the crate she will keep me in locked in the basement. 

4 more hours til day 5. 

One more day til Saturday's sleep in. I may just wake her at 5:15 for my own amusement then take cover. 

It is going to be a long school year. I can't wait for Saturday just so I can sleep in. This is such crap. 

I decided to take a quieter approach to waking the Kracken this morning instead of just barging in her room yelling that Zeus was coming for her first born. 

So at 5:15am I tip toed in its room without protective gear. She looked so peaceful under the blanket with her flaming auburn tresses stretched out over the pillow. I would not be deterred by my beautiful ginger Kracken. 

Trying not to make any noise, I lifted the end of the blanket and tickled the bottom of its feet only to be clawed by its sharp untrimmed talons. 

Day 3 was not a success. I threw a nail clipper at it and made a bee-line to the nearest medicine man for a tetanus shot. AKA Irish whiskey...

Like my fan page!! http://facebook.com/thefuntasian

Spiders being thrown at a co worker...awesomely hilarious.

Where exactly does that sound  she's making come from?

Ps...this video is from over a year shop but it's so good I had to repost

Enjoy! 

The Kracken starts her freshman year of high school next week. That's 9th grade for those who can't remember or skipped it altogether. I can not lie and say I am not excited to wake her at 5:30am. I CAN'T WAIT!! The poptarts will be hung by her door with care or thrown at her pillow. Whichever makes for an easier escape. 

Syd told me she is nervous. I would be too. There are super seniors and even better...super duper seniors. 13 & 14 year olds mixed in with 18 & 19 year olds. Remember folks, 1 in 4 teens contract an STD every year...(with the US having the highest STD rate in the industrialized world) I just love fun facts, don't you? Don't be an after school special. Talk to your kids. 

I took the Kracken school shopping today. That was fun. I only slammed the dressing room door in her face one time. I have a question...Why is everything in the girls section full of glitter and sparkles? I don't blame her for not liking all that bling on the clothes she wears. Who the hell wants to walk around looking like a living, breathing Lite Brite anyway?  Having to point at everything in the store and I mean every single item and saying, "What about this?" was equivalint to being stabbed in my eyeballs. Only to get this answer..."Ehh, I dont know. I guess." I guess means yes & I wasn't taking any chances.   

Madzilla is off to college tomorrow, also as a Freshman. She is going to SUNY Suffolk. Yup, in case you weren't aware, Suffolk is a SUNY school. Why did she pick Suffolk? There are a few reasons. First, core classes no matter where you take them are still core classes. She's saving money. Well, she saved her parents money. Second, she can't leave her mommy. At least not yet...

K thru 12 went by so fast. Just yesterday Mad was shitting up her back in retaliation to formula & tomorrow I pray she makes it to class on time. I am glad she didn't go away. Of course when Mad was 12 and going thru that "hormonal change" I couldn't wait for her to go. I even told another mom at the barn who cried for days when her daughter left for college, "Why the hell are you crying so much?".  I really get it now. Just the thought of her leaving brings me to tears. Unless she takes Leo, then I am good. Take him and get out. Oh and take those mini velociraptors in your room too. They scream & it's creepy. 

Being a parent is hard no matter what the age. It never gets easier. If you ask me, it gets habitual. I watch my friends with little kids & I wonder how they do it everyday. I seem to forget that I did that already. I watch as my friends are planning thier kids weddings & becoming grandparents and I think, "Oh SHIT, how do they do it?" Honestly, I don't want to do either of that. At least not yet. Teen Mom & Say Yes to the Dress is not getting my daughter anytime soon. Back off Pinterest...

Having two teenage girls, I have learned a few things. 

1. Text, email, sky write, call & leave a note on every little thing you say...They still lie & say you NEVER told them

2. There are never enough pads in this house...I ain't talkin' note pads fellas.

3. Hide all your favorite T-Shirts...there are cleptos amongst us & they LIE

4. Not being on the same cycle is worse than everyone being on it at the same time...I am glad I am not Sean

5. "Eh" means maybe, yes & no...Take your pick & good luck

6. Towels disappear like socks...Madzilla ate them

7. When in doubt hug them...just because

My girls are moving onto the next chapter in their young lives; High School & College. AKA..Regents exams & Freshman Sem.. Bitchy cliques & Beer Pong. Early wake up calls & Drive your own ass to school. I don't miss any of that shit. (beer pong doesn't count, I still play it)

Good luck Madeline & Sydney. Mommy loves you. I know you will do great this year because you're my kids and neither of you know how to fail. Except you Madzilla, you know how to fail math, but that's trig and who uses trig after high school? NO ONE...

Thanks for stopping by!! See you next time on Inside the Flipside. 

Follow me on twitter: http://www.twitter.com/funtasian

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My cholesterol was high...very very high. So high that my doctor mailed me my blood work with little notes next to all the bad things. First things first he wrote...lose some weight and cut your carbs and sugar. Oh ok...have you seen my daily intake? You just want me to give up everything that is holy to my food needs? For instance...My boss keeps a candy box that is loaded with all my favorite chocolates to pick from everyday. My mom makes the best home made biscotti I have ever eaten in my life and then tops it off by drizzling chocolate over every piece. There is finally a crepe place that knows how to make a crepe right up the road and lets not forget I can't drive passed a White Castle without grabbing a sack or two of onion rings. Not to mention anytime someone wants me to do them a favor at work, they are very proactive with the Godiva and snacks promptly left on my desk in advance. 

The doctor was right. I needed to watch what I put in my body. For the first time in my life, I was going on a meal plan. Being on a meal plan isnt easy. It fucking sucks. You can only eat whats on that list and you cant cheat at all. Really...how bad could one raisinet be? Its so wittle!!

First you get your food shopping list together thinking, "YEA!! I can do this!" I  compare it to everyone who gets new sneakers for Christmas and they can't wait to start their New Years resolution at the nearest Planet Fitness only to last 5 days before retiring those Reeboks to the back of the closet and all your new workout clothes from Marshalls still have the tags attached & won't see the light of day.  

The first day on the meal plan or any diet is always good because you are gung-ho on being healthy. This meal plan makes you feel like you are at a Golden Corral buffet because you are eating five times a day every 3 hours. Let me tell you something very important...this feeling fades fast. On day one your brain still has no idea whats going on yet. By the middle of day two, your brain is on to the trickery and is hell bent on making sure you can feel its wrath. By day three you are fiending for sugar, carbs or anything that is NOT on the list. You would lick the burnt nooks and crannies off the bottom of the toaster oven. Your head hurts and you can't think straight. Your brain is coming off the sugar and it is PISSED. 

Chew some gum they said. It'll help you they said. LIES LIES LIES. You know what would help me? A big fat blueberry cream pie from Briermeres. I called my nurtrionist and begged her to eat something. 3 hours between meals is a LONG ASS TIME when you are dying for food. I had to put tape over the clock on my pc and shut off my phone so I couldn't see the time. She told me I couldn't eat anything, but what my meals were and that in a few days I would be ok. Drink some tea she tells me. Scew you. I was not going to be alright. I was starting to look at people and weighing my options. I wasn't opposed to cannibalism between meals. People were definitely NOT on the list. 

By day four I couldn't take a dump and now my head really hurt. My body was in shock and being posioned by my own poop. Where are my fries it asked. Please give me a Snickers bar it begged. Instead it got a fuckin rice cake and 3 oz of chicken salad as my 3rd meal of the day. I can't even tell you how I looked forward to my tablespoon of all natural peanut butter & sugar free jello. I never licked a spoon so clean in my life.  

So what happened by day 5? I took a shit. Have you ever seen a rabbit shit? My body was absorbing all the good food and leaving nothing for my intestines but little bunny foo foos excrement. This was terrible. I literally wanted to die, but I was going to show my doctor I could do this and lower my cholesterol. I was so bloated. It was like being on vacation when your body betrays you and your intertines shut down til five minutes before your flight leaves. 

By day 6 you are doing better with your hunger and your bowel movements make it to milk dud status. Of course day 6 landed on a Friday. This meant that day 7 & 8 were on the weekend. There would be no going out to dinner for me. I brought a muscle milk to the movies and didn't get any popcorn which for me is comparable to having my legs torn from my body. 

On day 9, there is good news though. I weighed myself and I was down 8 pounds. So really, it was working. Is it easy? Not at all. Would I continue? Of course. At some point between day 6 & day 9 my ass decided to turn itself inside out from the 4 cups of salad it was getting every night. Just keepin it real folks. Weight loss was swift and imminent now. I can cancel my appointment for a colonic.

I made it to day 14 with excellent results. Ten pounds gone. Mostly due to the instant poo. I no longer want to hit the candy box. White Castle doesnt seem too appealing althought I still want it. Kinda like a crack head.  I pray that no one brings me a Krispy Kreme because then it would be all down hill. Making 5 meals a day does take work but at least I know what I am putting in my body & that's a good thing. What comes out afterwards...not so good, but at least it's a clean wipe. 

Thanks for stopping by...

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See you next time on Inside the Flip Side!! 

There are so many names for the female genitalia. Vagina, kiki, tunnel of love, cum dumpster, cunt, box, snatch, pussy, bearded clam, slit, coochie, putang, punani, air pipe...well you get the picture. BTW I love the vag names. Feel free to list yours in the comment section.

Its a wonderous part of the anatomy. Its even SELF CLEANING...did you know that? How amazing is the human vagina? Extremely, if you ask me. It's my favorite part of the body besides my boobs. It brings great pleasure when you need it and unfortunately, it can bring great pain. Literally. You guys know what I mean right? I call it a "Snatch 22". In other words...your vagina fails you at the most innapropriate times.

For the most part we all know about the cramps girls get with their periods. These cramps can be so bad they shoot down your legs and make you keel over in pain. They can make us throw up five minutes before your first date with no breath mint in sight. So inconvenient.

We bleed. Get over it guys. We bleed a lot. We can bleed so much that giant clots form and its like as my girlfriend calls it, "Giving birth to dead baby animals". Shes right. The menstrual cycle is cruel & unusual. The uterus is spiteful. You can literally be fine and walking across your white carpet with not a cramp in site...buck fuckin naked...then all of a sudden. PLOP PLOP PLOP. Yup, you just dropped a few clots and now you have a crime scene in your living room. I am jealous of anyone who has a period that just spots for a few days. You are the lucky ones. Not me. I get dead baby animals. I know what you are thinking...Jeannies's hot factor just soared.

Shopping for pads and tampons every month can be so fuckin inconvenient because even though you know hell is coming every 28 days you are never ready and you run around your job asking anyone with a vagina if they have a tampon. On the off chance NOBODY has a feminine product, its rolled up papertowels in your panties for the rest of the day. You better pray those suckers don't fall out. They can and they will if given the chance. Like in a Hallmark...next to the hottest guy you have ever seen...you're single and he WANTS to pick your make shift pad up off the floor for you. It's a Snatch 22...

Pulling out a tampon can be downright dangerous. One word...Splatter. They can fall out on their own. Like a freakin slip & slide at a horror show. They get stuck from the dryness of not using the right size tampon and its like dragging an open wound across hot sand. Fun. Sometimes if you are lucky, they get lost up in your tunnel of love never to be found again until you call your very best friend, spread your legs on the dining room table and send her up there with a flash light, two fingers and hopefully some latex gloves to play "Hey where the fuck did that string go?". That's what friends are for!

Nobody wants to get their period during the honeymoon stage of dating. Ya know, when you finally decide to let him lay the pipe and BAM...dead baby animals during foreplay & wtf is that smell? For those who are into that, make sure you have your handy dandy tarp available. The Red Badge of Courage is some serious shit if you ask me.    

I received a text the other day saying they had just blew up the bathroom with their dumping skills. My response was I just let loose a tampon that only compares to a bucket of pigs blood from the movie Carrie. Their Reply: NASTY...My job was done.

Until the next Snatch 22 post, I will see you on the Flip Side. Once again thank you so much for all your support and sticking around during my blogs down time.

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