The Funtasian

Waking the Kracken - Day 4 of her Freshman Year...

Being the Spawn of Satan is no easy task. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done like; turning people to stone, staying cranky 24/7, hiding your spiked tail & trying not to melt people with your fire breath. The fact she is my child probably doesn't help her in the "Be nice" category either. 

Not to mention the KMS (Kracken Monstrual Syndrome) she gets every 28 days. Yes, I meant to say Monstrual. Pray for me. 

This morning at 5:15 I decided to go in her lair with a normal voice to wake her. I had no plans to yell. Also, I wasn't tickling her feet again because I still have festering wounds from yesterday. As I am saying her name 50 times she finally moves. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open and peering at me so I flicked on the light. You would have thought I shined UV light on a vampire because she flailed like she had just walked into a spider web. At this point, my best bet was to run back to my comfy bed and wait. 

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

Almost an hour goes by and she still hasnt left her room to brush her teeth or eat her Pop Tarts. Not exactly strange behavior but it was awfully quiet in there except for the slight sounds of rustling papers. I can see into the crack of her cave that shes sitting at the edge of her bed. She can very stealthy so I jumped out of bed and was in her room within a second or two. She stared me down and I could've sworn for a split second she was scared of me. NOPE

Me: are you doing your math homework at 6:15am?

Kracken: no just checking my backpack

(I grab the open notebook from her hands and look at the ditto) 

Me: Really, because having that calculator hidden in your lap, the wet ink on your ditto & the fact you look like the Kracken that just ate Andromeda doesn't exactly fit the description of checking your backpack.

Kracken: **crickets**

After spying her math homework and thinking it looked like jibberish I cant help but think it really wasn't homework but the dimensions of the crate she will keep me in locked in the basement. 

4 more hours til day 5. 

One more day til Saturday's sleep in. I may just wake her at 5:15 for my own amusement then take cover. 

Well that sucked...

I have 3 alarms set on my phone two did not go off. The third did, but I had already overslept a half hour. I ran into its dwelling and screamed, "The bus is coming!" All the while not making eye contact of course.

It was undeterred, looked at the clock, snarled at me and rolled back over. Ten minutes later and still occupying its lair, I yelled again. It ROARED at me that it was up so I slinked back into my bed where I believe I was tranqued with a dart gun because I don't remember her leaving for school. 

When I awoke there was a half eaten Pop Tart in the vicinity. Crumbs were everywhere & clearly she was mocking me.

I called her at 3pm today to see how her second day of school went. 

Me: How was school?

Kracken: Fine

Me: What did you wear to school today?

Kracken: Clothes

Me: Clothes huh? What a silly choice. Was your Medusa Head Dress unavailable? 

Kracken: **Silence...**

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of the Kracken Kronicles - Freshman Year

Day 1 of Waking the Kracken. Freshman Year...

Lets start by backing up to last night when I got home. I took pre-emptive measures by going to Target and buying 3 different flavors of Pop Tarts. Chocolate Peanut Butter, Nutty Butter & RED VELVET. I also bought her a few notebooks. High school doesn't give a what you need list prior like all the other grades. This is fine with me as Targets back to school aisles looked worse than a Syrian bombing. 

Now the Kracken has to be woken at 5:15 a.m.. It is ten pm and shes still hangin on the pc, still not showered. She has no idea what she is going to wear, back pack is not packed, she doesn't know where her forms are or what bus number she is on. This is not a 9th grader that I am dealing with. More like a 2nd grader. I know, I created her. 

After her shower she tells me she wants to wear shorts on the first day but she needs to use Veet on her legs. Its 10:15, I say, can't you wear pants?? NOPE...

She tells me she wants to do it herself and she will read the directions. I go over it with her anyway and I am explicit in saying NO MORE than 3 to 6 minutes. She wont let me show her how to do it. Fine...I am out of here. 

While I am waiting for her to get done veeting her wolverine legs I notice a weird smell coming at me. I know this smell. Its when the hair removal cream is left for too long and you are melting the first 3 layers of skin off. I yell to the Kracken, "What are you doing in there, its been a half hour!". Her response is, "I'm fine". Bullshit.

At this point it is almost 11pm so I go in the bathroom. How she was still able to breath is beyond me because I needed a hazmat mask. She was clearly upset that she used Veet three times but her legs still had hair on them. THREE times!! No wonder the house smelled like a crematory. I grabbed the Intuition razor and shaved the fur patches off my little hell monster. It seemed grateful.

11:15pm...The Kracken goes to bed. Notice I didn't say goes to sleep...

1:15am...I go to bed

2:00am...

I am startled by the fire alarm going off and I fall out of bed. Nobody else seems bothered by it and within seconds the alarm stops. Still I run around the house looking for a fire. It still smelled like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant and melted a Nazis face off. 

By 3am and with only 2 hours left before I have to wake the Kracken the fire alarm has now been going off every five minutes. I keep getting up and still find nothing. The husband tells me they have to be disconnected. And how the fuck do I do that?

I go room to room climbing on a stool rippping wires out of the smoke alarms. I realized I forgot the Krackens room and at 3:30 I go in her cavern. I try to be stealth because I assume she is sleeping when I hear her muffled voice say, "I haven't even slept yet". The only reply I could muster was, "Oh honey, you are fuckin screwed...please please please try and sleep"

With the alarms now disconnected I head back to my bedroom and think to myself. Geesh the smell of burning flesh now has a faint smell of dog shit. I run around the house looking for a pile of doggie dung. I dont find anything but I smell it. I am so tired that I think it is still the veet and chemically burned flesh from the Krackens hairy legs.

5:15am and the alarm sounds

Ugh. I just want to hit snooze fifty times. I have only slept for about an hour and a half. I am going with the Kracken hasn't slept more than that either. I stumble into the kitchen and grab Red Velvet pop tarts and use the wall as my guide back to her room with one eye open. 

In my delusional mind, she has grown out of Mommy having to wake her and she will be up and dressed when I open her door. Nope, she was out cold.

Attempt #1 (there is video that will be posted eventually)

Me: Sydney...

Kracken: Grunt...

Me: Wakey wakey eggs & bakey

Kracken: Grunt

Me: Here is your breakfast <tosses a package of Pop Tarts> So I lied about the bakey

Kracken: Grunt

I continue to say her name & then there is movement. Holy shit, she is getting up... That was wayyyy too easy

Attempt #2

Her slight movement was just a ploy. I know this game but at this point we are both completely exhausted. I am laying in my bed facing her room calling her name over and over for the next 45 minutes because having to get up again to grab my sword and shield is too much this morning. 

It is getting angry with me. I can tell this by the short answers I am getting. Every single reply from her was "K". How ironic. K is for Kracken. K is also for Mom, shut the fuck up I am moving. K is also for if I had a knife I would stab you. 

It is now 6am and she has ten minutes to get out the door. I force it to take a picture AND smile. It complies after breathing fire at me so I told her to brush her teeth. 

6:10am

After much rushing her around and the chomping of the Pop Tarts, the Kracken is out the door heading to her first day of High School. As she leaves she says, "I smell something." I am too tired to sniff so I head back to bed.

Fast forward 11:00am

Madzilla: (in my ear) MOM...MOM...MOM...Its 11am, I know you can hear me. I know that you are awake.

Me: (in my brain somewhere) What does she think I am? The Matrix? Shut the fuck up. Go away child. Don't you have class? Get away from me you horrible person. Geesh, what's that smell? 

12:00pm

Madzilla: I FOUND POOP & I AM NOT CLEANING IT UP 

Me: I HATE YOU.

Leo had diarrhea under seans workout equipment. He also peed all over the foyer sometime in the middle of the night & I slipped in it as I am trying to leave for work. eff my face right now...

3:00pm

Me: Hey how was your first day of school?

Kracken: K. 

Me: Do NOT take a nap. You are not allowed to sleep til later.

Kracken: K.

It hates me. 

10:30pm

I go in her room to see if she is sleeping & she is not. I tell her to go to sleep. 

Kracken: What do you think I was trying to do before you walked in?

Me: I don't know. Plan my untimely death? 

Tomorrow,  I think I will let her father handle her in the morning...but then we might not find his body...wink wink. 

Stay tuned for day 2 of the Kracken Kronicles: Her Freshman year. Which as of right now is happening in 3 hours. 

Thank you for stopping by & for your support!!

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I pondered a question to my father..."Daddy, why dont the dogs here have names? A shrug was all I got & a bit of a snicker.

Hmmm, but the turkeys & chickens had names, how strange. Are the turkey & chickens their pets? After all the turkeys did have leashes.  I kind of already knew the answer. My mother told me the stories about all the four legged animals she had eaten. All the chickens she beheaded. She called them her "toys".  Good lord, my mommy was a SAVAGE. She will do well in Yaphank, but I wondered if this is why we didnt have a dog back home. She might eat it.

I dont remember the first time I went to the Philippines. I have only heard the stories of my disgust for this home away from home. I have seen the pictures and I am not smiling in any of them. Actually, I am crying and this doesn't shock me because there's an Uncle in all of them.

My grandparents shanty by the river was a lap of luxury. Have you ever been chased with a broom while you tried to get away by crawling across a bamboo floor? Not the smooth bamboo floors of today either. REAL bamboo. The kind if you crawl across you swear that your knees had shattered. Why was I being chased by my grandmother and her broom across a bamboo floor? It was because I wouldnt eat the shrimp off her stick. My face is cringing right now remembering how it still had beady black eyes and all its little legs. She tried to stick it in my mouth and I refused. How disgusting. Who eats things with the eyes still attached? Get me the hell out of here and it was only day 1.

I counted every day til I could go back to Yaphank where my grandfather made me coffee and watch tv. There was no TV and no coffee here, but there was 7-up. It came delivered in a milk crate, a weeks worth and I drank it all in one day. I denied this of course. Oh fuck, here comes the broom again

I slept tangled in mosquito nets by night and played in the pig sty by day. More like hid in the sty until an Uncle ratted me out. Damn full breeds. I felt at home with the little piglets. Must've been the Yaphank in me. One of the Uncles who will remain nameless kept telling me not to touch the piglets because its mother would not love it anymore or feed it. He also told me I killed all the chicken eggs too.  I asked him if this is what he told himself when he ate them. And out came that damn broom...

I felt like I was running for my life from Grandmothers to the toothless candy lady in the woods. Yes, even half way around the world, if there was candy I was going to find it. Even in the jungle. I was five, barefoot and running around a stange land all by myself. How did I ever make it out alive & who the fuck was watching me?

I dont remember at what point my parents enrolled me in Catholic School. What I do remember is the ugly uniform, the extreme folding of the knee socks, the fact that nobody ever smiled (a requirement) and in the class picture, we were told NOT to smile(What the fuck is this god awful place?). I got yelled at daily for doing what I did best. Scream at the teacher in english. I was the token half white kid. She hated me and she told on me to the nuns.  I was in BIG trouble.  So I did the only thing I could do to protect myself. I hid my Grandmothers broom... 

Next time on Inside the FLIP Side..."Mom, is that a dead person?" "How far is the fall to those crocodiles?" & "Why are we using umbrellas if its not raining?" See you on the FLIP side!!

For those of you who follow my 181 day nightmare of waking my eighth grader for school, I'm putting the entries from Facebook into a new blog post. If you haven't read them, here they are so you can catch up.

Day 1...As always Sydney aka fire breathing sleep monster is a complete and utter joy to wake in the morning. Good luck moms & dads. This sucks.

Day 2...My 615am back to school mornings:

Me: Bye Mad Love you
Mad: love you too
Cut to 6:40am
Me: Syd...Syd...Syd... Repeat 50x
Syd: making some unearthly groan/growl
Me: Runs & retrieves cross, wooden stakes & a poptart for leniency. Hides 

Day 3...Waking up Sydney for school can only be compared to going after Medusas Head. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT...