The Funtasian

Waking the Kracken - Day 12 & 13 of 180 Days 

It doesn't want to wake up & neither do I. Apprently KMS is contagious & I have it bad. 

I watched her father go in there and say her name at least 15 times with no response. I told him I will deal with her. ( I have yet to whip out my Medusa wig but I will!)

I went in there and yelled her name. It heard me and hissed back OK!! I AM UP!! 

As I started to back out of her lair, it laid back down in its own drool & began to snore. 

I yelled one more time that she was walking to High School today & she rose from her coma, grabbed a pop tart, left a trail of crumbs in her wake and off to school she went. 

She is going to have to start using that little black box on her end table called a clock one of these days before I turn myself to stone with my own Medusa wig. 

Waking the Kracken Day 5 of 180 Days...

She was relatively tame. I am sure it was due to exhaustion. I watched her sway from side to side on the edge of her bed waiting for the face plant that never came. Part of me wanted to give her a little nudge, but I too was exhausted this morning. 

I started singing this song from Nightmare on Elm Street came to mind while I waited for her to strike...With a few changes of course.

One two the Kracken's coming for you

Three four, better lock your doors

Five six, grab your pop tarts & crucifix

Seven eight, better not wake up late

Nine ten, never heard from again...

She's making me lose my mind, lose my mind...

See you on day six...

Waking the Kracken - Day 4 of her Freshman Year...

Being the Spawn of Satan is no easy task. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done like; turning people to stone, staying cranky 24/7, hiding your spiked tail & trying not to melt people with your fire breath. The fact she is my child probably doesn't help her in the "Be nice" category either. 

Not to mention the KMS (Kracken Monstrual Syndrome) she gets every 28 days. Yes, I meant to say Monstrual. Pray for me. 

This morning at 5:15 I decided to go in her lair with a normal voice to wake her. I had no plans to yell. Also, I wasn't tickling her feet again because I still have festering wounds from yesterday. As I am saying her name 50 times she finally moves. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open and peering at me so I flicked on the light. You would have thought I shined UV light on a vampire because she flailed like she had just walked into a spider web. At this point, my best bet was to run back to my comfy bed and wait. 

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

Almost an hour goes by and she still hasnt left her room to brush her teeth or eat her Pop Tarts. Not exactly strange behavior but it was awfully quiet in there except for the slight sounds of rustling papers. I can see into the crack of her cave that shes sitting at the edge of her bed. She can very stealthy so I jumped out of bed and was in her room within a second or two. She stared me down and I could've sworn for a split second she was scared of me. NOPE

Me: are you doing your math homework at 6:15am?

Kracken: no just checking my backpack

(I grab the open notebook from her hands and look at the ditto) 

Me: Really, because having that calculator hidden in your lap, the wet ink on your ditto & the fact you look like the Kracken that just ate Andromeda doesn't exactly fit the description of checking your backpack.

Kracken: **crickets**

After spying her math homework and thinking it looked like jibberish I cant help but think it really wasn't homework but the dimensions of the crate she will keep me in locked in the basement. 

4 more hours til day 5. 

One more day til Saturday's sleep in. I may just wake her at 5:15 for my own amusement then take cover. 

 Waking the Kracken - Freshman Year - Day 3 of 180 days. 

It is going to be a long school year. I can't wait for Saturday just so I can sleep in. This is such crap. 

I decided to take a quieter approach to waking the Kracken this morning instead of just barging in her room yelling that Zeus was coming for her first born. 

So at 5:15am I tip toed in its room without protective gear. She looked so peaceful under the blanket with her flaming auburn tresses stretched out over the pillow. I would not be deterred by my beautiful ginger Kracken. 

Trying not to make any noise, I lifted the end of the blanket and tickled the bottom of its feet only to be clawed by its sharp untrimmed talons. 

Day 3 was not a success. I threw a nail clipper at it and made a bee-line to the nearest medicine man for a tetanus shot. AKA Irish whiskey...

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Well that sucked...

I have 3 alarms set on my phone two did not go off. The third did, but I had already overslept a half hour. I ran into its dwelling and screamed, "The bus is coming!" All the while not making eye contact of course.

It was undeterred, looked at the clock, snarled at me and rolled back over. Ten minutes later and still occupying its lair, I yelled again. It ROARED at me that it was up so I slinked back into my bed where I believe I was tranqued with a dart gun because I don't remember her leaving for school. 

When I awoke there was a half eaten Pop Tart in the vicinity. Crumbs were everywhere & clearly she was mocking me.

I called her at 3pm today to see how her second day of school went. 

Me: How was school?

Kracken: Fine

Me: What did you wear to school today?

Kracken: Clothes

Me: Clothes huh? What a silly choice. Was your Medusa Head Dress unavailable? 

Kracken: **Silence...**

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of the Kracken Kronicles - Freshman Year

Day 1 of Waking the Kracken. Freshman Year...

Lets start by backing up to last night when I got home. I took pre-emptive measures by going to Target and buying 3 different flavors of Pop Tarts. Chocolate Peanut Butter, Nutty Butter & RED VELVET. I also bought her a few notebooks. High school doesn't give a what you need list prior like all the other grades. This is fine with me as Targets back to school aisles looked worse than a Syrian bombing. 

Now the Kracken has to be woken at 5:15 a.m.. It is ten pm and shes still hangin on the pc, still not showered. She has no idea what she is going to wear, back pack is not packed, she doesn't know where her forms are or what bus number she is on. This is not a 9th grader that I am dealing with. More like a 2nd grader. I know, I created her. 

After her shower she tells me she wants to wear shorts on the first day but she needs to use Veet on her legs. Its 10:15, I say, can't you wear pants?? NOPE...

She tells me she wants to do it herself and she will read the directions. I go over it with her anyway and I am explicit in saying NO MORE than 3 to 6 minutes. She wont let me show her how to do it. Fine...I am out of here. 

While I am waiting for her to get done veeting her wolverine legs I notice a weird smell coming at me. I know this smell. Its when the hair removal cream is left for too long and you are melting the first 3 layers of skin off. I yell to the Kracken, "What are you doing in there, its been a half hour!". Her response is, "I'm fine". Bullshit.

At this point it is almost 11pm so I go in the bathroom. How she was still able to breath is beyond me because I needed a hazmat mask. She was clearly upset that she used Veet three times but her legs still had hair on them. THREE times!! No wonder the house smelled like a crematory. I grabbed the Intuition razor and shaved the fur patches off my little hell monster. It seemed grateful.

11:15pm...The Kracken goes to bed. Notice I didn't say goes to sleep...

1:15am...I go to bed

2:00am...

I am startled by the fire alarm going off and I fall out of bed. Nobody else seems bothered by it and within seconds the alarm stops. Still I run around the house looking for a fire. It still smelled like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant and melted a Nazis face off. 

By 3am and with only 2 hours left before I have to wake the Kracken the fire alarm has now been going off every five minutes. I keep getting up and still find nothing. The husband tells me they have to be disconnected. And how the fuck do I do that?

I go room to room climbing on a stool rippping wires out of the smoke alarms. I realized I forgot the Krackens room and at 3:30 I go in her cavern. I try to be stealth because I assume she is sleeping when I hear her muffled voice say, "I haven't even slept yet". The only reply I could muster was, "Oh honey, you are fuckin screwed...please please please try and sleep"

With the alarms now disconnected I head back to my bedroom and think to myself. Geesh the smell of burning flesh now has a faint smell of dog shit. I run around the house looking for a pile of doggie dung. I dont find anything but I smell it. I am so tired that I think it is still the veet and chemically burned flesh from the Krackens hairy legs.

5:15am and the alarm sounds

Ugh. I just want to hit snooze fifty times. I have only slept for about an hour and a half. I am going with the Kracken hasn't slept more than that either. I stumble into the kitchen and grab Red Velvet pop tarts and use the wall as my guide back to her room with one eye open. 

In my delusional mind, she has grown out of Mommy having to wake her and she will be up and dressed when I open her door. Nope, she was out cold.

Attempt #1 (there is video that will be posted eventually)

Me: Sydney...

Kracken: Grunt...

Me: Wakey wakey eggs & bakey

Kracken: Grunt

Me: Here is your breakfast <tosses a package of Pop Tarts> So I lied about the bakey

Kracken: Grunt

I continue to say her name & then there is movement. Holy shit, she is getting up... That was wayyyy too easy

Attempt #2

Her slight movement was just a ploy. I know this game but at this point we are both completely exhausted. I am laying in my bed facing her room calling her name over and over for the next 45 minutes because having to get up again to grab my sword and shield is too much this morning. 

It is getting angry with me. I can tell this by the short answers I am getting. Every single reply from her was "K". How ironic. K is for Kracken. K is also for Mom, shut the fuck up I am moving. K is also for if I had a knife I would stab you. 

It is now 6am and she has ten minutes to get out the door. I force it to take a picture AND smile. It complies after breathing fire at me so I told her to brush her teeth. 

6:10am

After much rushing her around and the chomping of the Pop Tarts, the Kracken is out the door heading to her first day of High School. As she leaves she says, "I smell something." I am too tired to sniff so I head back to bed.

Fast forward 11:00am

Madzilla: (in my ear) MOM...MOM...MOM...Its 11am, I know you can hear me. I know that you are awake.

Me: (in my brain somewhere) What does she think I am? The Matrix? Shut the fuck up. Go away child. Don't you have class? Get away from me you horrible person. Geesh, what's that smell? 

12:00pm

Madzilla: I FOUND POOP & I AM NOT CLEANING IT UP 

Me: I HATE YOU.

Leo had diarrhea under seans workout equipment. He also peed all over the foyer sometime in the middle of the night & I slipped in it as I am trying to leave for work. eff my face right now...

3:00pm

Me: Hey how was your first day of school?

Kracken: K. 

Me: Do NOT take a nap. You are not allowed to sleep til later.

Kracken: K.

It hates me. 

10:30pm

I go in her room to see if she is sleeping & she is not. I tell her to go to sleep. 

Kracken: What do you think I was trying to do before you walked in?

Me: I don't know. Plan my untimely death? 

Tomorrow,  I think I will let her father handle her in the morning...but then we might not find his body...wink wink. 

Stay tuned for day 2 of the Kracken Kronicles: Her Freshman year. Which as of right now is happening in 3 hours. 

Thank you for stopping by & for your support!!

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Enjoy this little video of me waking the Kracken on her birthday. Yes, I am cruel & enjoy this a little too much, but I love her so. 

Yep...another year has gone by and my Ginger Kracken is 14. I lost a bet to her today because she knew Arthur was an aardvark. I thought he was a fancy mouse in sneakers. She said he was half human and half aardvark. The visual still disturbs me if you know what I mean. 

Let's get back to the birthday girl...

From the moment of conception Sydney was trouble. She was the epitome of a pregnancy from HELL. Ever heard of P.U.P.P.S? No, right? Let me give you a little summary. I am allergic to the paternal cells the baby sheds while in utero. In other words. I am allergic to her father...

PUPPS is a rash you can get from your neck to your ankles. How lucky for me it doesn't affect your face, hands or feet because with Sydney that was the only place on my body I DIDN'T get this rash. 

Now when I was pregnant with Madzilla, I did not get PUPPS until right when I was having her on ONE leg and if you notice Madzilla is more me than she is her father. Sydney is well...more him. Twins...

At just a few weeks into my pregancy the rash had started right by my crotch. Seriously?? Then it spread. EVERYWHERE. Every nook and cranny of my body. Anytime I even got the itching (pun intended) for another child after Sydney, all one had to say was...RASH and it snapped me right back into reality. It was bad. It was crying, freezing cold oatmeal baths, steroids, sarna cream, benedryl every single day. This kid was going to kill me from the inside out. Other than the normal pregnancy issues like peeing your pants, being as big as a whale and I was, heartburn that made me eat tums & prevacid like a crackhead, & rapid tachycardia just to name a few...OK RT is not normal but from my whale size, it could not be avoided. The Dr. even told me to drink wine because she was giving me contractions very early on. Imagine me huge at 7 months having dinner at the Carmins River Inn and ordering myself a big ass glass of wine. Just the look on the wait staff was fun for me. Between the constant Benedryl and glasses of wine I am surprised Sydney wasn't immediately put into a 12 step program at birth. 

On June 30th...The Kracken was born...with a highlighted mohawk, a love for pop tarts, horses & naps. 

So what was the first thing Madzilla did when she saw her new baby sister? Wacked her right on the head. From that day, I knew their relationship would be forged with immense love...yea right. 

So here we are 14 years later and I am still itchy. I break out in hives at the thought of waking her for the next four years of High School. She just doesn't like waking up in the morning and doing so is a fate worse than waving a chocolate bar in my face then walking away with it. 

As a mother you pray for good things to happen for your children. I pray she starts using an alarm clock come September. The Kracken Kronicles do not end here. This year was just the beginning of my morning madness with her. I hope you enjoy reading about it as much as I enjoy writing it. Happy Birthday Sydney. I love you more than food. I swear. 

Enjoy these photos of the Kracken I have added...

As always thank you for stopping by! See you on the Flip Side with spotlights on some of my favorite comedians like Mike Keegan and Mel Englert coming soon. 

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For those of you who follow my 181 day nightmare of waking my eighth grader for school, I'm putting the entries from Facebook into a new blog post. If you haven't read them, here they are so you can catch up.

Day 1...As always Sydney aka fire breathing sleep monster is a complete and utter joy to wake in the morning. Good luck moms & dads. This sucks.

Day 2...My 615am back to school mornings:

Me: Bye Mad Love you
Mad: love you too
Cut to 6:40am
Me: Syd...Syd...Syd... Repeat 50x
Syd: making some unearthly groan/growl
Me: Runs & retrieves cross, wooden stakes & a poptart for leniency. Hides 

Day 3...Waking up Sydney for school can only be compared to going after Medusas Head. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT...