Inside the Flip Side - The Truth About What Happens To Me On a Meal Plan...

My cholesterol was high...very very high. So high that my doctor mailed me my blood work with little notes next to all the bad things. First things first he wrote...lose some weight and cut your carbs and sugar. Oh ok...have you seen my daily intake? You just want me to give up everything that is holy to my food needs? For instance...My boss keeps a candy box that is loaded with all my favorite chocolates to pick from everyday. My mom makes the best home made biscotti I have ever eaten in my life and then tops it off by drizzling chocolate over every piece. There is finally a crepe place that knows how to make a crepe right up the road and lets not forget I can't drive passed a White Castle without grabbing a sack or two of onion rings. Not to mention anytime someone wants me to do them a favor at work, they are very proactive with the Godiva and snacks promptly left on my desk in advance. 

The doctor was right. I needed to watch what I put in my body. For the first time in my life, I was going on a meal plan. Being on a meal plan isnt easy. It fucking sucks. You can only eat whats on that list and you cant cheat at all. bad could one raisinet be? Its so wittle!!

First you get your food shopping list together thinking, "YEA!! I can do this!" I  compare it to everyone who gets new sneakers for Christmas and they can't wait to start their New Years resolution at the nearest Planet Fitness only to last 5 days before retiring those Reeboks to the back of the closet and all your new workout clothes from Marshalls still have the tags attached & won't see the light of day.  

The first day on the meal plan or any diet is always good because you are gung-ho on being healthy. This meal plan makes you feel like you are at a Golden Corral buffet because you are eating five times a day every 3 hours. Let me tell you something very important...this feeling fades fast. On day one your brain still has no idea whats going on yet. By the middle of day two, your brain is on to the trickery and is hell bent on making sure you can feel its wrath. By day three you are fiending for sugar, carbs or anything that is NOT on the list. You would lick the burnt nooks and crannies off the bottom of the toaster oven. Your head hurts and you can't think straight. Your brain is coming off the sugar and it is PISSED. 

Chew some gum they said. It'll help you they said. LIES LIES LIES. You know what would help me? A big fat blueberry cream pie from Briermeres. I called my nurtrionist and begged her to eat something. 3 hours between meals is a LONG ASS TIME when you are dying for food. I had to put tape over the clock on my pc and shut off my phone so I couldn't see the time. She told me I couldn't eat anything, but what my meals were and that in a few days I would be ok. Drink some tea she tells me. Scew you. I was not going to be alright. I was starting to look at people and weighing my options. I wasn't opposed to cannibalism between meals. People were definitely NOT on the list. 

By day four I couldn't take a dump and now my head really hurt. My body was in shock and being posioned by my own poop. Where are my fries it asked. Please give me a Snickers bar it begged. Instead it got a fuckin rice cake and 3 oz of chicken salad as my 3rd meal of the day. I can't even tell you how I looked forward to my tablespoon of all natural peanut butter & sugar free jello. I never licked a spoon so clean in my life.  

So what happened by day 5? I took a shit. Have you ever seen a rabbit shit? My body was absorbing all the good food and leaving nothing for my intestines but little bunny foo foos excrement. This was terrible. I literally wanted to die, but I was going to show my doctor I could do this and lower my cholesterol. I was so bloated. It was like being on vacation when your body betrays you and your intertines shut down til five minutes before your flight leaves. 

By day 6 you are doing better with your hunger and your bowel movements make it to milk dud status. Of course day 6 landed on a Friday. This meant that day 7 & 8 were on the weekend. There would be no going out to dinner for me. I brought a muscle milk to the movies and didn't get any popcorn which for me is comparable to having my legs torn from my body. 

On day 9, there is good news though. I weighed myself and I was down 8 pounds. So really, it was working. Is it easy? Not at all. Would I continue? Of course. At some point between day 6 & day 9 my ass decided to turn itself inside out from the 4 cups of salad it was getting every night. Just keepin it real folks. Weight loss was swift and imminent now. I can cancel my appointment for a colonic.

I made it to day 14 with excellent results. Ten pounds gone. Mostly due to the instant poo. I no longer want to hit the candy box. White Castle doesnt seem too appealing althought I still want it. Kinda like a crack head.  I pray that no one brings me a Krispy Kreme because then it would be all down hill. Making 5 meals a day does take work but at least I know what I am putting in my body & that's a good thing. What comes out afterwards...not so good, but at least it's a clean wipe. 

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