The Funtasian

Welcome to Episode 2 of The JP Pop n' Stuf Podcast. Tune in and listen to us talk about rabies shots, spraying the toilet with poo-pourri, Melanies infatuation with presidential tapes, Marc David Herschmann, real pebbles in the fruity pebbles and other funny stuff. Thanks for listening. If you would like to comment, ask us any questions, or have a topic...email us at jppopnstuf@gmail.com or funtasian227@gmail.com

You can also find Jeannie on twitter @funtasian

Melanie on twitter @melanie_englert

Like my fanpage: facebook.com/thefuntasian

Here it is, the very first episode of The JP Pop n' Stuff Podcast! 

I am joined by my co-host Comedian Melanie Englert who  is absolutely obsessed with looking at my beautiful pictures everyday, I have no idea why I dont like things & don't think I need a reason, Melanie humps a stove while tripping out and gives birth to a turkey, how many times do you have to stab a pig and more...

Listen in for all the hilarity. We hope you enjoy episode one & as always thank you for your support! 

We will have a seperate website soon. Just workin out the kinks. 

Follow Melanie on twitter: @melanie_englert & on facebook: Melanie Englert

Follow Me on twitter: @funtasian & like my fan page www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

For suggestions on future topics or comments about our latest show email Melanie & Jeannie at jppopnstuf@gmail.com 

Waking the Kracken - Day 12 & 13 of 180 Days 

It doesn't want to wake up & neither do I. Apprently KMS is contagious & I have it bad. 

I watched her father go in there and say her name at least 15 times with no response. I told him I will deal with her. ( I have yet to whip out my Medusa wig but I will!)

I went in there and yelled her name. It heard me and hissed back OK!! I AM UP!! 

As I started to back out of her lair, it laid back down in its own drool & began to snore. 

I yelled one more time that she was walking to High School today & she rose from her coma, grabbed a pop tart, left a trail of crumbs in her wake and off to school she went. 

She is going to have to start using that little black box on her end table called a clock one of these days before I turn myself to stone with my own Medusa wig. 

A year ago today I wrote a nice birthday blog to my dad thanking him for being my Dad. 

This year I will keep it short and sweet. Here are the pros & cons of being my dad

Pros:

1. Duh...I'm his daughter

Cons:

2. I'm his daughter

Happy birthday old man. You're still stubborn as shit after two bowls of white rice, but I love you anyway. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 

Ps I'm so glad I didn't get your ears. That is all. 

Well that sucked...

I have 3 alarms set on my phone two did not go off. The third did, but I had already overslept a half hour. I ran into its dwelling and screamed, "The bus is coming!" All the while not making eye contact of course.

It was undeterred, looked at the clock, snarled at me and rolled back over. Ten minutes later and still occupying its lair, I yelled again. It ROARED at me that it was up so I slinked back into my bed where I believe I was tranqued with a dart gun because I don't remember her leaving for school. 

When I awoke there was a half eaten Pop Tart in the vicinity. Crumbs were everywhere & clearly she was mocking me.

I called her at 3pm today to see how her second day of school went. 

Me: How was school?

Kracken: Fine

Me: What did you wear to school today?

Kracken: Clothes

Me: Clothes huh? What a silly choice. Was your Medusa Head Dress unavailable? 

Kracken: **Silence...**

Come back tomorrow for Day 3 of the Kracken Kronicles - Freshman Year

I had the great pleasure of being a guest on The Chris Monty Show with Host Chris Monty, Co-Host Matt Burke and also Chris Roach.  I couldn't have asked for a better trio to sit in with. They are 3 of the funniest comedians I know & I definitely needed a drink first before going in the studio with these guys. It went by so fast. I can't wait to come back.  

Click the link below to listen to the Po' Pourri Episode 12 with ME...

http://thechrismontypodcast.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/the-chris-monty-show-episode-12-po-pourri/  

We talk deep frying skin, Matt Burke names my first book, my life in the rice patties, why I'm a Minnesota Viking fan, the lovely bar where I met my husband, sperm whales, dung and other fun stuff. 

Recently Chris Monty filmed a funny commercial for PBS called meet the Tanners. Click the youtube link below to watch the hilarity

 

To listen to other episodes of The Chris Monty Show with Chris & Matt: http://thechrismontypodcast.wordpress.com/

Definitely check the schedule at http://govs.com/ for upcoming shows featuring Chris Monty, Chris Roach & Matt Burke. You will not be disappointed seeing any of these comedians. They are all great at what they do. 

Follow Chris Monty on twitter @comicchrismonty 

Follow Matt Burke on twitter @_Matt_burke

Follow Chris Roach on Twitter @ROACHCOMIC

Follow me on twitter @funtasian

Like my fanpage facebook.com/thefuntasian

As always thank you for stopping by, reading my blogs and supporting my dysfunction. MWAHHH! 

My cholesterol was high...very very high. So high that my doctor mailed me my blood work with little notes next to all the bad things. First things first he wrote...lose some weight and cut your carbs and sugar. Oh ok...have you seen my daily intake? You just want me to give up everything that is holy to my food needs? For instance...My boss keeps a candy box that is loaded with all my favorite chocolates to pick from everyday. My mom makes the best home made biscotti I have ever eaten in my life and then tops it off by drizzling chocolate over every piece. There is finally a crepe place that knows how to make a crepe right up the road and lets not forget I can't drive passed a White Castle without grabbing a sack or two of onion rings. Not to mention anytime someone wants me to do them a favor at work, they are very proactive with the Godiva and snacks promptly left on my desk in advance. 

The doctor was right. I needed to watch what I put in my body. For the first time in my life, I was going on a meal plan. Being on a meal plan isnt easy. It fucking sucks. You can only eat whats on that list and you cant cheat at all. Really...how bad could one raisinet be? Its so wittle!!

First you get your food shopping list together thinking, "YEA!! I can do this!" I  compare it to everyone who gets new sneakers for Christmas and they can't wait to start their New Years resolution at the nearest Planet Fitness only to last 5 days before retiring those Reeboks to the back of the closet and all your new workout clothes from Marshalls still have the tags attached & won't see the light of day.  

The first day on the meal plan or any diet is always good because you are gung-ho on being healthy. This meal plan makes you feel like you are at a Golden Corral buffet because you are eating five times a day every 3 hours. Let me tell you something very important...this feeling fades fast. On day one your brain still has no idea whats going on yet. By the middle of day two, your brain is on to the trickery and is hell bent on making sure you can feel its wrath. By day three you are fiending for sugar, carbs or anything that is NOT on the list. You would lick the burnt nooks and crannies off the bottom of the toaster oven. Your head hurts and you can't think straight. Your brain is coming off the sugar and it is PISSED. 

Chew some gum they said. It'll help you they said. LIES LIES LIES. You know what would help me? A big fat blueberry cream pie from Briermeres. I called my nurtrionist and begged her to eat something. 3 hours between meals is a LONG ASS TIME when you are dying for food. I had to put tape over the clock on my pc and shut off my phone so I couldn't see the time. She told me I couldn't eat anything, but what my meals were and that in a few days I would be ok. Drink some tea she tells me. Scew you. I was not going to be alright. I was starting to look at people and weighing my options. I wasn't opposed to cannibalism between meals. People were definitely NOT on the list. 

By day four I couldn't take a dump and now my head really hurt. My body was in shock and being posioned by my own poop. Where are my fries it asked. Please give me a Snickers bar it begged. Instead it got a fuckin rice cake and 3 oz of chicken salad as my 3rd meal of the day. I can't even tell you how I looked forward to my tablespoon of all natural peanut butter & sugar free jello. I never licked a spoon so clean in my life.  

So what happened by day 5? I took a shit. Have you ever seen a rabbit shit? My body was absorbing all the good food and leaving nothing for my intestines but little bunny foo foos excrement. This was terrible. I literally wanted to die, but I was going to show my doctor I could do this and lower my cholesterol. I was so bloated. It was like being on vacation when your body betrays you and your intertines shut down til five minutes before your flight leaves. 

By day 6 you are doing better with your hunger and your bowel movements make it to milk dud status. Of course day 6 landed on a Friday. This meant that day 7 & 8 were on the weekend. There would be no going out to dinner for me. I brought a muscle milk to the movies and didn't get any popcorn which for me is comparable to having my legs torn from my body. 

On day 9, there is good news though. I weighed myself and I was down 8 pounds. So really, it was working. Is it easy? Not at all. Would I continue? Of course. At some point between day 6 & day 9 my ass decided to turn itself inside out from the 4 cups of salad it was getting every night. Just keepin it real folks. Weight loss was swift and imminent now. I can cancel my appointment for a colonic.

I made it to day 14 with excellent results. Ten pounds gone. Mostly due to the instant poo. I no longer want to hit the candy box. White Castle doesnt seem too appealing althought I still want it. Kinda like a crack head.  I pray that no one brings me a Krispy Kreme because then it would be all down hill. Making 5 meals a day does take work but at least I know what I am putting in my body & that's a good thing. What comes out afterwards...not so good, but at least it's a clean wipe. 

Thanks for stopping by...

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See you next time on Inside the Flip Side!! 

 

As some of you may know my oldest child Madzilla just graduated from High School a few weeks ago. Days leading up to her graduation I would start tearing at the thought, but on the day she walked up to the podium to grab her empty green Longwood High School diploma holder, I did not shed a tear. Instead, I sighed. Strangely enough it wasn't a sigh of relief. I am not sure what I was feeling, but it was odd & it wasn't from the mimosas hidden in my backpack. I cried for days when she went off to kindergarten. I cried when she got her first ribbon at the Hampton Classic. I cried when she left for prom. I even cried when she went on her first date in a car with a boy. I am such a pussy... 

From the day tiny humans are able to carry a conversation they have been asked, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I know I have been asked a million times. Let's see...I wanted to be an astronaut, a vet, a musician, a ninja, the Bionic Woman(of course I didn't realize I would have to lose my limbs for this and possibly an eye and an ear drum), Batman,  a Crayola crayon color namer & a police officer just to name a few. Curiously nobody ever asked me "who" I wanted to be. 

Now that I am a mother of a graduate who is moving onto college this fall, I am inundated with the age old question..."What does she want to be?" That is all you hear people say every June. Do they really know? I still don't know and I am 41. Eeeek. They are just children going off for expensive schooling and having to choose a career. Of course I love that Madzilla wants to be a Large Animal Vet and like everything else she does (besides keeping her room clean) she will excel at it. Really though at this stage of her life, I am more concerned with who she wants to be and I think that is a question that should be asked more often. 

So I did just that at a table of teenagers recently by first asking, "What do you guys want to be?". They rattled off everything from the medical field to teaching to computers. (Except for the Kracken at age 13 said the question bothers her.) Then I asked, "WHO do you want to be?"  CRICKETS. Lots & lots of crickets.  They looked at me like I mind fucked every one of them. They had no idea how to answer it and just stared at me. One even said, "Oh my god, you just blew my mind & I don't know what to say."

With social media taking over the world, I feel like our children are slaves to technology. Too much instant gratification and not enough thinking for themselves. It's all about right now and it has made them very lazy. Who cares about 20 years from now. I will deal with that later. Well, for me it's twenty three years later & I am a mother scared for her children. Know who you want to be before knowing what you want to be. I've told my kids to strive to be a better person for yourself and not for what you think social media wants you to be. You are not your tumblr account or your twitter account or how many "friends" you have on Facebook. Who follows you on twitter does not define who you are. You are the future and from where I stand, that's a scary thought. 

Of course this is just my opinion. Who do I want to be? Here is my short answer...I want to be the one my children say make them laugh & learn from even though I am a complete maniac. Who am I? I am Batman. HA HA HA kidding. I am just a girl in love with laughter who cracks up at herself everyday in the hopes that I crack you up too. 

Are YOU  who you want to be? 

Yea so I kinda screwed with you on the title. It's the only funny thing in this post. Every once in awhile the Why So Serious Funtasian comes out. See what I did there? Thanks for stopping by and for your support. 

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Enjoy this little video of me waking the Kracken on her birthday. Yes, I am cruel & enjoy this a little too much, but I love her so. 

Yep...another year has gone by and my Ginger Kracken is 14. I lost a bet to her today because she knew Arthur was an aardvark. I thought he was a fancy mouse in sneakers. She said he was half human and half aardvark. The visual still disturbs me if you know what I mean. 

Let's get back to the birthday girl...

From the moment of conception Sydney was trouble. She was the epitome of a pregnancy from HELL. Ever heard of P.U.P.P.S? No, right? Let me give you a little summary. I am allergic to the paternal cells the baby sheds while in utero. In other words. I am allergic to her father...

PUPPS is a rash you can get from your neck to your ankles. How lucky for me it doesn't affect your face, hands or feet because with Sydney that was the only place on my body I DIDN'T get this rash. 

Now when I was pregnant with Madzilla, I did not get PUPPS until right when I was having her on ONE leg and if you notice Madzilla is more me than she is her father. Sydney is well...more him. Twins...

At just a few weeks into my pregancy the rash had started right by my crotch. Seriously?? Then it spread. EVERYWHERE. Every nook and cranny of my body. Anytime I even got the itching (pun intended) for another child after Sydney, all one had to say was...RASH and it snapped me right back into reality. It was bad. It was crying, freezing cold oatmeal baths, steroids, sarna cream, benedryl every single day. This kid was going to kill me from the inside out. Other than the normal pregnancy issues like peeing your pants, being as big as a whale and I was, heartburn that made me eat tums & prevacid like a crackhead, & rapid tachycardia just to name a few...OK RT is not normal but from my whale size, it could not be avoided. The Dr. even told me to drink wine because she was giving me contractions very early on. Imagine me huge at 7 months having dinner at the Carmins River Inn and ordering myself a big ass glass of wine. Just the look on the wait staff was fun for me. Between the constant Benedryl and glasses of wine I am surprised Sydney wasn't immediately put into a 12 step program at birth. 

On June 30th...The Kracken was born...with a highlighted mohawk, a love for pop tarts, horses & naps. 

So what was the first thing Madzilla did when she saw her new baby sister? Wacked her right on the head. From that day, I knew their relationship would be forged with immense love...yea right. 

So here we are 14 years later and I am still itchy. I break out in hives at the thought of waking her for the next four years of High School. She just doesn't like waking up in the morning and doing so is a fate worse than waving a chocolate bar in my face then walking away with it. 

As a mother you pray for good things to happen for your children. I pray she starts using an alarm clock come September. The Kracken Kronicles do not end here. This year was just the beginning of my morning madness with her. I hope you enjoy reading about it as much as I enjoy writing it. Happy Birthday Sydney. I love you more than food. I swear. 

Enjoy these photos of the Kracken I have added...

As always thank you for stopping by! See you on the Flip Side with spotlights on some of my favorite comedians like Mike Keegan and Mel Englert coming soon. 

Follow me on twitter @funtasian and like my facebook page http://facebook.com/thefuntasian

I was so excited to come home even with the nasty infection in my leg. I was from Yaphank.  Generations of my family before me were from this town. Everything was going to go back to normal. Well...you dont just go away to the Philippines and come back to Yaphank "normal" without some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. Traumatized was an understatement.  I was changed forever.

The first thing I saw when I ran back into my Grandpas home was a big black dog on the floor of the kitchen and my grandpa sitting at the table. Naturally, I looked at my mother and said, "Don't eat him!"  He was the most beautiful dog I had ever seen. His name was Bones. Ironic for the biggest Newfoundland Collie mix I had ever seen. He would be my very best friend for the next 7 years. I can't lie, I worried for his life with a full breed in the house...

We lived in the upstairs of my Grandfathers house. Prince Ben slept with my mom of course a lot, but during his screaming fits of seperation anxiety during the day, they threw his chunky, I want my mommy 24/7 ass in my room. Have I mentioned how when he was born, I was sent away for a week? Not bitter at all...

I did all I could to shut the little prince up. I sang him songs of my people like...Mommy had a little dog, little dog, little dog, Mommy had a little dog...til she ate it. Ben did NOT like my songs...go figure?

I came home speaking fluent tagalog. I was now bilingual. This would be a problem when I went back to my elementary school after being gone. The teacher was not a fan or impressed of my multi - cultural ways. She sent home letters to my mother on how I couldn't speak english. She sent me to the school speech therapist who laughed when she asked me to look at pictures and say what they were because the teacher was wrong. Worst of all she called me names to the other kids & even egged them on when they teased me. I can hear you.  I certainly showed her when I was able to read before anyone else. She mocked me in front of the whole class and said I couldn't do it. Well...if there is one thing about me everyone should know is that if you tell me I can't, I will go out of my way to show you I can. Her only reply to me reading in front of the class was, "Wow, I guess you really can read". No shit. Never underestimate the brain power of an Asian no matter the percentage.

I loved being home. White Grandpa made me coffee everyday on the sly & snuck me peanut butter cups. He always told me I was full of bolognie with all my stories of the Philippines. I had a new dog, the muppets were on tv & of course I had little brother to torture. It wasn't without its faults. My Grandpa rented his back rooms to stinkers. I have never smelled an odor this bad in my life. It smelled like the Brookhaven Landfill or a dead animal.

Bones would sneak upstairs to be with me at night. Hopping the gate and sleeping on my floor especially during storms. I warned Bones that he could be dinner if he wasn't careful especially since he was so hefty. Whenever she caught him under my bed she would scream holy bloody murder at him to get out. I thought she was scared she would eat him too so she refused to get attached. Had he been a turkey on leash, it would be a whole 'nother story. Nom Nom Nom...

My mom would walk to the deli and post office everyday. I always went along since it was right around the corner. The dog would come too, sneaking away from gramps and taking a short cut through the lake to beat us there. I spent my time at the deli crawling on the floor looking for change under the counter so I could buy Cracker Jacks. All I needed was a quarter. Man food was expensive when you didn't kill it yourself.

I learned very early on how mean people could be about race. I knew I was different & so did everyone else in town. They whispered about my mother and I didn't like it. Five year olds have the attention span of a gnat, but we are not deaf. At least in the Philippines being half white wasn't held against me as much as being half Asian in an all white town called Yaphank. Hide yo dogs, hide yo cats...we were here to stay Pankers. MUAHAHAHAAA....

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