The Funtasian

When I wasn't being tortured at Catholic school by ruler wielding Tagalog only speaking teachers and nuns, I was at my grandmothers shanty by the river walking turkeys in circles. This was not by choice. She begged my mom to leave me with her. She should have just cut to the chase and said, "My broom misses Jeannie's pu-et(ass)". I spent more time running from the broom than time with my Lola(grandmother). God, I hope she doesn't find out I hid the broom under the bed...

My uncles weren't all that bad, but I couldn't understand a word they said. Between their broken english and thick filipino accent it was hard to communicate so I nodded alot & awkwardly smiled. I took defeat and asked one of my younger uncles to teach me more tagalog. He was fun. He taught me all the bad words. I realized later on that this was just another form of getting me in trouble. The broom was found and I was chased once again for telling my Lola off. Tagalog style. My uncle will pay. Im going to steal his dinner and set it free. Here, piggy piggy piggy...

While my english was perfectly fine, my tagalog was definitely in need of help. I could have sworn my mother said she was going to a party when she spoke to the Fama-ly. As the elders headed for the bus stop, I used to my half ninja like skills to wriggle away from my cousins who were holding me back from joining my mother. I was mighty strong for a wee little Flip. Hahaha, I got away.  Im going to the party!! I'll deal with the broom later.

My mother didn't realize I was on the bus til it was too late. She didn't hear the screams of my cousins yelling to stop the bus. My mom and Aunt "Slants" were NOT happy to see me at all. They mumbled about how I shouldn't be going to the "Party". Too bad ladies, I was going and I was thrilled about it. Why were they all shaking their heads?

As we departed the bus I saw a lot of people at this party. It was hot as hell in this little house and it smelled really bad. What kind of Filipino food were they cooking at this party? It smelled worse than a burning goat.  Lots of candles were lit, but someone should tell them they weren't working. I was hungry. As I made my way through the house. People were crying. I don't like this party, but I need food. Finally, I saw my Mom and Aunt Slants looking at a table wrapped in pretty lace and satin. I found the food & geesh the food really stinks here. I ran up to the table, but I was too small to see the food. So, I used my half ninja like skills again. I grabbed the table and kept jumping to see. My Aunt Slant kept swatting at me to cut it out, but I was determined even though it stunk like shit in there. This party SUCKED. I moved to my mothers left and took one more giant leap as I grabbed the table for leverage. The table rocked forward just a bit. Enough for me to see that I was NOT at a party. This was NOT a table of food. This IS a WAKE and I just saw my first DEAD body...

Can't a girl just get an eggroll?

See you tomorrow on "Inside the Flip Side" ;)

 

 

 

 

Before my mother hoarded Fama's in our home, most of them lived in the Philippines and I guess dragging your family around the globe to visit her people was a must do.

It was going to be my second trip back "home" as my mother referred to it. I deemed my her crazy because my home was in Yaphank.  I was not going anywhere especially that shit hole (yea yea, I know. There's plenty of beautiful places there, but I have never seen them so they can't possibly exist) and if i was, I was going to make it very very difficult. Never underestimate a five year old half breed who doesn't want to leave her kindergarten crush at Christmas to live in a shanty on the side of a river with a pig farm AND go to catholic school. Oh and even worse, I was forced to go to church every damn day. They sold colorful popcorn at church. I refused to step inside without the popcorn. This pissed off the natives. I received a lot of slanty side eyes. Whatever, I chew loudly.

First attempt at sabotaging the trip back home...the PASSPORT PHOTO. I wiggled and fidgeted. I kicked my feet around. I wouldn't look at the camera. I played with my pig tails. Then the good news came. The pictures couldnt be used!! With good news comes bad news. They used my baby picture from the first trip back "home". FUCKERS

Hmmm I must try again..."They will never get the small pox vaccine in me".  No vaccine, no Phillippines. I keep forgetting I'm only five and little. Little with ninja like skills. Two parents, a nurse's assistant, Nurse Ratchet and the Filipino Pediatrician(Well played Mom, getting one of your own) held me down on a chair while I screamed til my eyes swelled shut and they put the horrible burning blue poison small pox vaccination on my back so I couldn't reach it. When they were done, I hopped up and said with a smirk, "That didnt hurt at all".   I think the broken blood vessels all over my face was enough to stave off a beating when I got home. Someone should have warned me that the vaccination area would swell, itch & scab so badly I would take my shirt off constantly and show everyone my big nasty scab. Well, not much has changed in 35 years except I dont need a vaccination to remove my top at any given time.

I was five and fresh out of ideas. Guess I was headed to Shanty Town. My brother Ben was just a baby when we went to see the Fama-ly again. Ben was named after my mothers father so we needed to bring the second Half Breed Fama back "home". So its Prince Benjamins fault...he will pay for this.

The plane ride was long and I was not happy to be in a giant tin can 30,000 feet in the sky built by the lowest bidder. What's a girl to do? SCREAM...LOUDLY til we landed in Japan. My dad bought me markers & origami paper to shut me up. Stupid, Stupid man. Now I can pass my "HELP! I have been kidnapped from Yaphank" note onto a Round Eye. OK one little problem. I was 5 and couldn't spell words like kidnapped or Yaphank and the only Round Eye on the plane was my dad. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

After what seemed like 17 days on a plane we landed. There were no terminals, you are just dumped out onto the hot tarmac. This didnt surprise me at all. It was 5000 degrees, I was in HELL and I was never getting back to Yaphank (the lesser of two evils).

Tomorrows Installment of Inside the FLIP side..."Daddy why dont they name their dogs here?" , I didn't kill the chickens, I am NOT going back to that school. See you on the Flip Side ;)

For those of you who follow my 181 day nightmare of waking my eighth grader for school, I'm putting the entries from Facebook into a new blog post. If you haven't read them, here they are so you can catch up.

Day 1...As always Sydney aka fire breathing sleep monster is a complete and utter joy to wake in the morning. Good luck moms & dads. This sucks.

Day 2...My 615am back to school mornings:

Me: Bye Mad Love you
Mad: love you too
Cut to 6:40am
Me: Syd...Syd...Syd... Repeat 50x
Syd: making some unearthly groan/growl
Me: Runs & retrieves cross, wooden stakes & a poptart for leniency. Hides 

Day 3...Waking up Sydney for school can only be compared to going after Medusas Head. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously does it?

This hot sketch of me was done by the talented Rae Berse. My ass really IS that BIG and I love it.

I figured my first blog post should be about me and why I decided to be a blogger. I keep hearing how funny I am so why not?  I enjoy making people laugh with my obnoxious sarcastic unfiltered humor. This one about my life with topics like my friends, relationships, my vagina and how much I love it, to my children who clawed their way out of it, sex toys of course & why I’ve never seen a porn.There's a vast number of Long Island Comedians that deserve the shout outs and applause. I’ll be writing about their sets, their podcasts & whatever else I come across hopping from club to club with my girlfriends laughing our asses off from Long Island to NYC and maybe even beyond.

I grew up a half breed in a small white bred town. I bounced back and forth between Deliverance and the Philippines. I've got rice patty feet & a filthy trucker mouth with a knife fetish. I am proud of my dysfunctional heritage. Half Asian(Filipino mostly), the other half is Irish with some other shit. I'd like to take this moment to thank my Dad for the gray hair he gave me at such an early age. By the way I wish someone would have told me gray hair on your head means gray hair grows below and you can't “Wash that gray right out of your hair” unless you want to feel the burn.

I'm a mom to two beautiful yet hormone raging demon seeds. Spawn One & Spawn Two. I'd say I’m not your typical mom. I am fiercely honest with my kids about everything in life from why you NEVER eat from Grandmas mystery pot to sex & why you NEVER use your teeth. I did forget to tell Spawn One that you're supposed to shave with water and shaving cream and not JUST a razor. OUCH...Sorry honey, but the teeth thing is more important than razor burn if  you ask me. ;)

Since I first thought of blogging everything & everyone in my life has been targeted and they know it. Throughout the day I will hear at least one person say, "You better not blog about that!" Once you open your mouth please know that you’re screwed. Kinda like Taylor Swift right after she blows her boyfriend gets dumped then sings about how she never ever ever ever wants it back in her mouth ever again...like, ever.

I have so much to say & I hope you stick around and come back for more. Your comments & suggestions are always welcome even if they’re bad. That’s a complete fucking lie. I don’t want to hear your shit. Just praise me. Kidding....sorta