The Funtasian

AHHHH the day has finally arrived. I am leaving on a jet plane and I am never ever ever coming back again. Ever. Yes, that was a little bit of John Denver/T Swift right there.

Everybody was crying. There were so many tears. What a bunch of pussies. Just stop...90% of you will be living in my house in no time. The other 10% percent...well there will be blogs for that. Wish I could've seen into the future of all the relatives who were coming to live with us. My house became the gateway to America, land of the free, home of the where the white people at?

Mine of course were tears of joy. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Yea buh bye...

You can keep your dung ovens, balut, water buffalo, brooms, foods that squirmed, the weird bathrooms, nuns, church, crazy people, dead bodies, edible lizards, snakes and whatever else that drove me crazy...and with that said, they couldn't understand WHY I wanted to come home so bad! 

It was a long journey back to the states. I was extremely squirmy on the plane and couldn't sit still as any child. Could've been my excitement or that fact that a 23 hour journey on a giant tin can built by the lowest bidder is hard for a five year old. There was a little old lady who kept letting me sit on her lap. By little and old, I mean probably 30 & 4 feet tall. I kept telling her I was going home to eat Wonder Bread & bologne with my white Grandpa.

I don't remember my brother being on the flight. I think maybe they finally put his whiney ass in a cat crate in the baggage hold. Thats my best case scenario and all I've got on him right now. Meow...

Unfortunately when you travel in the winter there are snow storms that re-direct your flight. Sometimes you get to go to a nice place and other times...like this time...it wasn't a nice place. It was fucking DETROIT. This was the great blizzard of 1978 dumping two feet of snow in Michigan and forcing us to land there instead of JFK. Why not some place fancy like Paris?

We were hardly prepared for coming home to a blizzard even though it was winter. My dad was trudging through the snow in shorts. Ben & I wore my dads tube socks on our legs. Not ghetto at all, but this is Detroit. We had to stay overnight in a hotel for the night. We took a shady taxi. Thank god my dad relatively knew the area because there was some sketchy business going on in the wrong side of  the 8 mile that night. The cab driver started to take a different route and the lady sharing the cab with us was putting all her valuables into her boots. Sketchy...very, very sketchy. My dad forced him to turn down some road which was better than the dark alley we would've all been left to die in. Afterall, Detroits nickname is Murder Town.  Probably the only moment in my life, I wanted to be back in the rice patty with buffalo dung in my hands, a shrimp head in my mouth & leeches on my legs. Swear...

This wasn't the only scary thing to happen in Detroit. My mom lost me in the airport. Could you imagine? I was only five and my mother whos holding Ben for her dear life loses me. I don't know where my dad was. There were glass partitions everywhere along with escalators. I got trapped and off she went. I was scared fuckin shit. There was a couple that took my hand and asked me if I was lost. No lady, normally five year olds in nothing but a tank top and tube socks wandering the Detroit airport know exactly where they are. They wanted to bring me to lost & found or sell me to thieves. Then just when I thought I would never see my mother again, there she was at the top of the escalator looking for me. I offered them my brother but they declined. ;)

There was a wonderful surprise waiting at home when we got back laying on the kitchen floor. My grandpa got a dog!! He was a big black newfoundland collie mix named Bones & he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen. I thought what a strange name for such a large animal. I turned to my mom and said, "You hear that? His name is Bones, he has no meat, you can not eat this dog!" I hugged my Grandpa and whispered to him to keep a close eye on mother because I had seen things and I was worried for the new addition to the family. Then off to bed I went. I was home...in Yaphank and it felt good. Well, until I had to go back to school and felt like a foreigner once again.

See you next time on Inside the Flip Side...

So where do I start? Mom you are truly a saint and probably the only one in the entire family going to heaven. Seriously.

Thank you for all that you've taught me. Things like at the age of five that the street sign that reads "No Outlet" means no sidewalks. I believed you until I was 22 years old and made a fool. But really have you ever seen sidewalks where there are no outlet signs? I havent and I bet all of you will look now. 

You also taught me that frozen eggrolls never expire. Even when the shanghai paper looks like it wrapped a mummy from 3000 BC. Those little lumpias still taste delicious. This goes for all frozen meat in the extra filipino freezer downstairs in the scary haunted basement. 

Thank you for making spaghetti with red sauce on the day I got my first period and announcing it to everyone at the dinner table. Dad you freakin laughed. You're so lucky I didn't know what balls were yet. The expression on my little brothers face was amazing. I was hoping he would vomit but it didnt happen. One more thing about my period...you didnt teach me how to put the pad on and I was sticking them to my vag for a week before I realized I was doing it wrong. Also, I didnt think I was supposed to be giving myself a brazilian with my ginormous Kotex Maxi Pad was kind of a hint. 

When it comes to food though Mom, you really know how to do it. I mean who can take a few things out of the fridge and make a ten course meal. You may get botulism so be careful. Also stay away from the mystery pot. Especially if you see eyeballs or even a tail. An ox tail that is. 

Thank you for letting me suck the icing from the icing tube everytime you decorated a birthday cake. What great practice I was getting...I see what you did there mom...

Thank you for never warning me when you made the dreaded tripe soup. I have never smelled anything so disgusting in my life and I would rather eat the buffalo dung. Normal people do not boil tripe.

Thank you for always buying the frosted CHERRY Pop Tarts. They were Prince Ben's favorite, not mine. I am NOT bitter. NOT AT ALL.

Thank you for always threatening to eat my pets. Where did all the cats go?? Oh yea they were shot...You know who you are & I know you are reading this ;)

Thank you for not letting me look in the mirror when the dog mauled my face off on the way to the hospital. I probably would have died. 

Thank you for teaching me tagalog at such a young age. Sorry nothing really stuck except "Ben ay may bantot puwit" Ben has a stinky ass. ehh close enough. 

Thank you for always being a wonderful grandmother to my daughters even though Madeline swears she is your favorite...hmmm

Thank you for always wearing so much jewelry that Mr.T didnt have shit on you. I hate jewelry. You have saved Sean a lot of money.

Although I dont really look like you, thank you for the slant in my eyes and the height in my cheek bones and the smoothness in my skin. I hope I look as good as you at age 60 but since I am half white that will never happen. Lucky beotch.

Thank you for raising me Asian and making sure I didn't feel different. Even though everyone else saw us that way. You made sure I felt like me. 

Thank you for making me walk everyday to the deli and post office with you. I would probably be a fat obese kid had I not. Maybe I should start that up again. 

Sometimes, I can't understand a freakin word you are saying but thats Ok, the only words I want to hear are, "Honey I made you butterball cookies" & "I bought you clothes" & "I made you Grandmas muffins, don't tell Dad"

It couldn't have been easy raising a child like me. A smart ass, smart mouthed, stubborn, begrudged, spiteful, gorgeous girl hahaha, with a sick twisted mind thats always racing in circles like a freakin merry go round. You did good Ma...

Oh yea thank you for always making me tortas and corned beef & potatoes alpo style at my beckon call. Asian girl probs.  

I can go on and on but I will save the best stories for future blogs. hehehe

You are an inspiration and set a great example of what a wonderful mother and wife should be. You have raised the bar to a level I could never achieve. I could never be as patient as you are. Thanks dad. I lub you so pucking much Mama...

Stop fuckin cryin. 

Happy Birthday! Enjoy the pics...

To my dear friend John Turner & all the troops who are over in the Middle East with the 101st Rescue Squadron this Christmas... We love & miss you buddy. Come home. Be Safe. Merry Christmas! Mwahhhh xoxo

Love,
The Funtasian

I meant to blog episode 10 but I got a wee bit drunk watching the Knicks game last night so here is 11 instead. 

On Episode 11 of the Organized Chaos Radio Show...

Guess what happened?? Someone finally went to Finns but has a stupid bread allergy and couldn't have a muffin. Gluten sucks balls. Well, one person coming in is better than none. Go to freakin Finns Deli on 4646 Merrick Road in Massapequa. Mention the radio show and you get free muffins and shit that I cant eat. BTW it's really clean in there. 

Jeannie Powers and funtasian.com gets plugged again. She must really be amazing & lovely & unicorny and all that nice stuff they say about her..wink 

Bill did a show at crossroads and I was there. I got to meet him and see his set & six others. All were good, but damn the audience was horribly uptight. 

They had cheat day at Newridge Inn for the game. Bill talks about why Jet fans are delusionized. Bill does a great Woodson impression but Im thinking his thoats gotta hurt. Then there was some hockey talk but the Knicks are on and Im screaming at the TV.

Anthony is addicted to another show...Catfish on Mtv. Its gotta be better than those Kardashians. 

The Native Aliens Tribe sent more music. Listen to "Identify" but you have to wait because Anthony fucked it up. Send your music into their show with a blurb about yourself and it may get played. 

One of my Faves Chris Roach calls the show for a ghetto interview on a speakerphone and hes perfectly disgusting for a part on Dr. Oz. Chris packs PBA cards. Lots of them. Hes also very creepy on speakerphone. He did newspaper dating. He has rules so he didnt get attached to trolls. He will come in to the podcast for real but wants sandwhiches from Finns. 

Anthony thinks hes going to be single forever. Nothing wrong with that. Be a spinster. Aim low...

Believe in yourself Anthony...Seriously. 

Here is my message for next week since you are being all spiritual and shit..."Fight for your happiness." 

Ending on a positive note with Anthonys Mom. So funny. I cant stop laughing when I hear his mothers Mash Up. 

Follow the @Bamicle on twitter. (That's Bill!) Don't change your twitter name Bill, its cool. Leave it alone. 

Follow Anthony @anthonycomicd

Friday and Saturday night this week Anthony will be at Mcguires Comedy Club in Bohemia. Maybe I'll show up with some friends for a look see. Ill do anything not to Christmas shop or decorate the house. 

For more info on Anthony visit his website www.anthonydidomenico.webs.com

facebook.com/organizedchaosradio

organizedchaosradio@gmail.com 

@organizedradiogaga send questions for the guys

Like my fanpage at facebook.com/thefuntasian 

Follow me on twitter @funtasian

See you on the Flip Side!

 

 

 

Meanwhile in the Philippines...

I was days away from returning to the states. No more walking the turkey or watching the chickens run around with no head. Yes that really happens.  I wondered if the Caribou would remember me and my conversations with them. If water buffalo could talk...My daily avoidance of the buffalo shit oven was ending. Coming to a theater near you, "The Dunger Games".  I would miss the toothless candy lady in the woods with that certain glaze over her eyes. I now know that look...it's called crackhead. What would become of my new piglet friends & their fat mama? Bacon & Chicharone

I would not miss the snakes falling out of the trees into my lap or walking under the hot blazing sun to school. Impromtu wakes disguised as parties would never happen to me again. If they do I will be prepared with Loves Baby Soft in my purse and Vicks Vapor Rub under my nose.

How bittersweet that I will not be chased down by a broom ever again. At least not by my Lola. Unfortunately, this also meant I would never see her again in person. Would I miss being dragged to church with my Lola and Aunts everyday? Nope. One day a week was hard enough with my own mother. I would miss the popcorn she bought to shut me up before church and telling me not to chew so loud during. She raised 13 children from a very young age. I dont know what amazes me more. The fact that she gave birth 13 times or that she was quicker than a ninja witch with a broom on Halloween. 

I couldn't wait to never sleep in a mosquito net ever again. I would definitely NOT miss the bugs the size of my palms or the alleged bug bite on my inner thigh. When I say alleged its because I had a spot on my leg and it hurt. It was the tiniest of cuts that turned into a bump. My mother said it was a bug bite. Yea my big fat filipino ass it was a bug bite. Of course at age 5 I believed what she said and went on my merry way back to the piggery where I introduced more germs to my bug bite. This "bug" bite continued to grow & grow & grow. Techinically speaking if we are to get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Yes it was a bug bite. The microscopic bacteria kind of bug. You know the kind. It grows a giant boil and eats your flesh kinda bug. If you would like a visual, it was on my upper inner thigh. By the time it was full grown, it looked like a scrotum sack hanging right next to my crotch and it fuckin hurt. I swore it had a pulse and was my long lost twin. I was taken to the doctor who told me it was a bad infection/boil. Ok thats great. Um get rid of it! "Noooo", said the doctor. The body will take care of it. You, Dr. Crackerjack are an asshole. 

I had no idea what to expect from the boil disguised as a throbbing nut sack on my leg. It was in the crease so I was quite uncomfortable. Try to imagine having a newly grown sexual organ hanging off your inner thigh that you liked holding onto and playing with. Now imagine it EXPLODES. Literally. Every where. I heard it pop. I screamed for my daddy. He came running of course only to open the door & see me covered in blood from my crotch to my feet.  To him, I was a five year old version of Carrie or going through the youngest menstrual cycle known to man because within 2 seconds he screamed for my mother. While the wait for them was only seconds, I was able to shove cotton balls where the buckets of blood and puss were seeping out. The blood was never ending. That's because it was the black hole of boils.  The alleged bug bite turned boil ate a hole deep into my leg. And that my friends is where my fourth hole originated. 

I was so young when the boil exploded so I have always had the hole and scar on my leg. This led to many question from people who got a look at it. Of course my answers ranged from. Oh its just a dimple, to thats where my twin was removed, to bloody stump, to impaled on a coconut tree, to of course...my mini vagina. 

When I look back at my five year old self, I wonder where the hell did she get her tenacity from. I had to embrace it or run like hell to the nearest rice patty. Let the Dunger Games begin. (thanks Brad)

See you soon on Inside Flip Side... "Coming Home"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a reason why I continuously come back every week to listen to these guys. One, because I was a podcast virgin & they broke my PC cherry so therefore I am emotionally attached and two, they have grown & evolved for the better over their 15 episodes. It's worth my time & then I get to bring them to all of you. My people.

Here is the link...

http://mickandtommyshow.wordpress.com/?p=41&preview=true

The Mick and Tommy Show Thanksgiving Special with Mick Thomas, Tommy Dunseith & Jimmy Britt. Mark Lund also makes an appearance to talk about his pooing habits

Mick gives us a history lesson about Thanksgiving with definitions. He's really looking at porn. Seriously don't become a history teacher zzzzz. Libria is NOT a country Mick. Mark Lund joins in and apparently is a serial hit & run farter. He really likes his shits too. I can appreciate a good dump.

Mick is hoping he gets sooo big he can hire himself a Fart Guard to take the blame for his unwielding ass stinkers. 

So, what are they doing for Thanksgiving? Tommy & his family are volunteering at the Brain Trauma ward at LIJ. Ensuing Laughter. Sorry man, even that made me laugh. He wants to give thanks by feeding mac and cheese at the wack-a-do ward. Mick calls BULLSHIT. They dont need Tommy. Where's the staff? Tommy explains he will be serving the food and not teasing them with it as they are NOT billy goats. Jimmy tries to be the voice of reason between the two. Tommy must be getting some ass for this. Catholic guilt is making Tommy the villain, but tries to think of other people even when the acid didnt come through. Ahh the truth comes out...He is doing this for a bit.

Mick tells us about his volunteering in Baltimore. The family fed the real homeless while Mick cleaned the kitchen of a potpourri factory ruined by homeless stank. But in all seriousness, Mick is a charitable guy who doesnt like to boast about his charitable contributions. I am Mick Thomas. Buy my new comedy album. www.mickthomascomedy.com. A percentage of the proceeds from the sales will go to St. Judes Childrens Hospital. It is a fabulously funny album that you wont regret buying. Plus it helps St. Judes. Win win. 

Jimmy will eat, give thanks, and not give a shit about the Indians from 400 years ago. Sounds like a plan. 

Micks all by his lonesome on Thanksgiving but dont feel bad for him. He was jacking up the heat, turning the volume up on the porn and having a protitute party with his comedy money. I'm thinking we are all doing Thanksgiving wrong except Mick. 

Micks take on T-day is that our American holiday is just celebrating that we are a bunch of fat fucks. Can you say gluttony?  It's a deadly sin but I have to admit. He's kinda spot on.

Tommy impersonates Mick & I have this sudden urge to eat a bowl of me Lucky Charms.

At one point in his life Tommy bought an African kid off the TV with monthy payments. He bought a GIRL. Because he is Not a queer. Tommys a great artist & sent his African kid a portrait. Uhhh where is she gonna hang it? The money goes to the village but should've went to sending her frogs. They have flies on their faces. A burger or a kit kat would've worked too. Unfortunately Tommy couldn't afford his Arican kid and had to sell it back so they broke up. SMH

There is no Thanksgiving in Ireland. The Irish celebrate holidays by punching their wives. They only do Christmas and Easter. Holidays based on ghosts. 

Tommy tells a crude pilgrim joke...that may or may not have been on the internet a few times. It's ok Tommy I still think you are brilliant. 

When Mick is left to spend the holiday alone he's got a honey do list. He wanted to hire mexicans to paint but couldnt wank. They wont tell anyone. Micks a fuckin genius because he thought of hiring two hookers in heels off Craigslist to paint so he could wank at the same time. Best Thanksgiving EVER. 

Find out what happened when Mick drop kicked a giant styrofoam turkey, kicked a dog back to the Mayflower and told everyone to go fuck themselves. Ok make that two Thanksgivings. Hide yo dogs, hide yo lawn decorations. 

Here comes the shit talk again. Mark comes back after trying to sit up 90 degrees while taking a shit. The approach didn't work. Give it time. Mick takes nice healthy shits, 3 times a day. WHAT THE FUCK?? Talk about a shit show ;)

Tommy is thankful for a magical universe which will infect people with kindness even though there are Irish cunts in the world. Ahem Mick... Timmy is thankful for the ride

I am thankful for these guys who bring their comedic skills to the internet airwaves. 

Follow Mick & Tommy on Twitter: @mickthomas, @tommymarbles. Jimmy has not caught up with the rest of the social networking world as of yet, but he will come to the dark side.

Become a fan on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mick-Tommy-Show/205755642889738?fref=ts These guys seriously need more fan page likes. Come on, you can do it for me...

Subscribe to them on itunes for free so you can get it in Germany...dah

 http://feeds.feedburner.com/MickAndTommyShow

Catch their podcasts on the Wordpress blog site if you have something against itunes like myself:

mickandtommyshow.wordpress.com

And duh like my page too www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

The Mick & Tommy Show Episode 15 is brought to you by Nardy Honda Smithtown www.nardyhonda.com, Mcguires Comedy Club Bohemia www.mcguirescomedyshows.com & Governers Comedy Club Levittown www.govs.com. Three awesome places. Go to them. 

Thanks for stopping by! See you on the Flip Side ;)

Are you thankful everyday or do you only give thanks right before Thanksgiving? I, myself give thanks everyday and it usually goes like this... Thank god I am NOT pregnant. 

The last few days I was thankful for my curves & my vagina but there is so much more I am thankful for. Here is my list...

My sex toy because duh, everybody should have one or five. Everybody.

My kids so I can subcontract chores. They gotta be good for something.

My stiletto heels that make my short legs look hot when my feet are firmly planted on the ground and even hotter when they are up in the air. Wink.

Sex. Like who is not thankful for that? When you are married as long as I am it is hard to come by. Game over. So when you can get it, you better damn well be thankful for it. 

My boobs. Im almost 41 and they still stand up on their own & they're mine. nuff said

Being half asian. I didn't get these cheek bones from the round eye side. 

My mom & dad who without a doubt are there for me 24/7 and also have given me so much material to blog about that I will never run out of words. This includes my brother Ben too. I love you. (weak moment)

My dogs for shitting in the foyer and making me get up earlier than I have to.

The hall monitor who in tenth grade said to me, "You are going to have an hourglass figure with that little waist & the boys are going to love it"  I laughed at her, but man she was a smart cookie

Tampax Ultra formally the Vortex. They finally make a tampon that can handle the civil unrest in my uterus only to discontinue it everywhere and finding it is like seeing a fuckin unicorn in the middle of Walmart. 

Rainbow cookies. Just because they are pretty and they are my favorite cookie ever. 

For every person in my life that has ever made me laugh. I find humor in all that I come across and it really gets me thru anything. Except childbirth, there was nothing funny about an 8lb parasite coming out of my vagina. ;)

My husband because I am crazy and well, YOU married me. 

Jello shots, Pop Shots & Reddi Whip. Yum

Coochie Cream ;) For those of you who have no idea what it is. It makes the hair on your body grow back slower after you shave. AMAZABALLS

My Fama-ly because having 9000 asian relatives just isnt enough. Worse than rabbits

The Kraken for making my mornings as frustrating as they are hilarious.

Madzilla because we laugh til we cry 

Most importantly I would like to thank YOU; my supporters, my fans & my friends. Thank you for coming back everyday and supporting my blog & my sick, twisted, sarcastic humor. You make it fun and you make me laugh which for me is the most gratifying aspect about being the Funtasian. Besides my cartoon self being so hot. 

My friends old and new. You know who you are. You hold me up & pick me up, you let me sleep anywhere I want (like you have a choice), you train me, you push me, you drive me nuts, you share your panties, you crack me up, you let me poison you, you got me to vote, you look for Ben & Jerrys Cream Filled Whore & you feed me to name a few, but most importantly...You let me be ME. A complete & utter looney bin. I love you from the bottom of my icy cold heart. 

So give thanks to your bits, your toys, your friends, your food, your loved ones & my blog. You're welcome. ;) 

Happy Thanksgiving Tasians! See you on the Flip Side...MWAHHHHHH

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I decided to start a blog, my daughter Maddie gasped. Said that old people don't write blogs. I am NOT old. She said she would never read my blogs unless I wrote about how awesome she is.

So here we go...

My inquisitive child recently asked me what it was like find out I was pregnant with her. Do I lie and say it was the happiest day of my life? It was not, but it was a day that changed my life forever. I was completely shocked. I cried and cried and cried.  I was young just two days shy of my 23rd birthday and not married. Bad girl. I was not ready. She asked me what I was thinking. My life was over. I told her I went over my choices in my head. She looked at me like, what do you mean you thought about your choices?? We all have choices. It is our right. It is my body. I told her that when I was asked what I wanted to do, I told her the only thing I could and said I was having you. She was shocked by the fact that we thought about it. She said, "Obviously you made the right choice to have an amazing child." This was true and amazing is an understatement.

I have never been one to sugar coat anything. You will never hear me say how wonderful pregnancy is or how much i enjoyed having a child growing inside of me. Being pregnant sucked but I will have a seperate blog about that.

Dear Madeline,

You came to us November 9th at 4:31 pm. I think. One of you was born at this time. Sucked out by a Dyson and you were blue, purple even with the cord wrapped around your neck not breathing. I yelled to make you scream. You were born a procrastinator. You still are...just like me.

Yep, You were beautiful. Just as I had predicted. Big violet-blue eyes that you got from your Daddy. A full head of light brown hair. Grandma thought you looked filipino. Delusional. You were long and not chubby as I had imagined. Then I saw them...Holy Mother of God. Your feet were HUGE and so were your hands. The nurses laughed at you. You held your own bottle at two days old. You were extraordinary, but you didn't like to sleep. What a pain in my ass.

You were easy to raise. I never spoke to you like you were a baby. I always told it like it was with you no matter what your age and I always will. I am not sure why I never babied you, but I hope it doesnt backfire on me. So you called me a bitch at age 3. You are so much like me. Your wit and sarcasm is spot on and I enjoy our daily banter even though sometimes I want to punch you in the uterus.

I love laughing with you and even more so, I love laughing at you. Can't help it, I am mean like that.

As my first born, I wanted to put you in every sport or activity I could. You didn't care for anything really until I put you on a horse for the first time and you were a natural. That's my little panker...

You were such a great little equestrian. A champion really. Our champion. Nobody could touch you in that ring when you brought your A game which was 99 percent of the time. The day we gave you and Sydney your pony Stella was one of the greatest moments of my life. You cried with excitement and happiness. Sydney of course screamed at the top of her lungs with jealousy wanting to know where her pony was. It was hilarious. I am sorry you lost her. She was your best friend and I know her death changed you.

I am so proud of your accomplishments. You had the ability to go into a ring and take it all. You're an artist and a good one. A gift from your father of course. You didn't get that shit from me.

I always had a camera in your face and you were always prepared with a smile. You were and still are very photogenic. I am not saying this because I am your mother and feel obligated to tell you how beautiful you are. You really are. You never look bad. Ok there was that one year when you were very sick.  You could go to the barn with your hair up in a ratty bun and still look gorgeous. Lucky bitch. You have grown up to be a lovely young lady. Im so proud of who you have become. Except the lazy never cleaning your room, hate to do chores, huff and puffing part. You gotta work on that.

Lets talk about your feet. They are no joke. Gigantic. They are why we call you Madzilla. You would trample over everything with your giant pods. Your hands are alien like. Somebody will be shocked when they get a huge bitch slap from you.

In a little less than a year you will go off to college. School Sucks. I am so happy you are taking your core classes at home before you go off to become a large animal vet. I dont think I could ever handle you going away so soon even though I'll have had 18 years with you. You're my daughter and it will never be enough time.

Dont worry there will be more blogs about you and your awesomeness. I am holding out for the good stuff. This was just a special one. Happy Birthday to my spawn of satan. You are without a doubt Awesome, but even more so, you are the heart that beats outside of my body. I chose wisely...

 Love,

Your old, immature & childish mother...

Enjoy some older pics of us. See you on the Flip Side ;)

 

 

 

I have always loved Halloween. Its by far one of my favorite holidays. Simply because you go around collecting FREE sugar disguised as chocolate and Smarties. 

In the Philippines there was no trick or treating. (I can only imagine what they would give out. YUCK!) There was going to the grave yard and having picnics with your deceased loved ones. OOOOH the fun never stops there, but this blog isn't about the Flip side. Its about my disgust for useless Halloween candy. Yaphank is not the easiest place to go trick or treating. I grew up on a Service Rd to the Long Island Expressway. Houses were very far apart and there were not many. It was dangerous and you had to walk a miles for one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. 

The best part was coming home and emptying my pillow case loaded with treats. Ok the best part was dressing my brother up as a girl every halloween. 

Even to this day, I love emptying my little spawns of satans pillow cases on the floor to go thru. I mean steal from. There is always the good pile and the I wouldn't eat this shit pile if it was the last candy on earth. Of course the tootsie rolls get their own pile because there are so MANY. 

You know the candy I am talking about. Here is a list of the Halloween candy that should be banned.

Laffy Taffys - Disgusting, specifically the banana ones.

Flavored Tootsie Rolls - We get enough chocolate ones, just stop.

Mary Janes - I happen to love Mary Janes but they come wrapped in the wax paper. They tend to melt and leak all over the pillow case that you are hiding from your parents candy tax. 

Palmer Chocolates(AKA The Hersheys Imposter) - They suck at Easter, why would they be any better at Halloween. Stop being so cheap. 

Brachs Peppermints & Butterscotch(you've been saving these for a year) - By the time Halloween rolls around from last Christmas, they are melted and attached to the plastic. Useless. Cant even give them to my horse. 

Foil Wrapped Chocolate Coins- Its bad enough when you get real pennies in a ziplock but I want quiet money and until Hersheys makes foil wrapped coins, I dont want to see them in my pillow case.

Dum Dum Lollipops - One or two of these at the yearly well visit is a lot. 53 of them in my treat bag. No thanks

Pretzels - Um no, if I want free pretzels, I'll go to the bar, Unless you want to throw a beer in the bag, then I'm good

Now & Laters - They are much easier to unwrap these days but back then you couldnt get the wax paper off. One thing hasn't changed, they can still pull your fillings out and still taste like you're licking flavored wallpaper. 

Warheads - Simply said, candy should not punish your taste buds

Mad Dogs - Foam at the mouth gum balls should only be used as revenge candy against co-workers (yes I have)

Jelly Beans - At least these arent as old as the left over christmas candy but they still suck the same 

Good & Plenty - I hate black licorice and these are black licorice disguised as pretty candies. I'm on to you. 

As I counted down the days of my return home to the states, my parents got increasingly irritated with me. Of course I was just as annoying and relentless back then as am I now. Probably more now. Definitely more now. I pounced my dad every morning with the magic number til we left. That was so much fun. He would get so mad, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home so badly.

Every night I told myself this was one less day that I had to spend chasing chickens who were "toys" during the day and dung oven sacrifices at night. I would leave behind the pet turkeys on leashes and the dogs with no names. yuckkkk! The toothless candy lady in the woods would probably go broke without my daily runs to her jungle bunk house. My uncles would have to go back to torturing each other instead of me since I would no longer be there. The mosquito net that strangled me every night in the cage I slept in would be no more. I wouldn't be caked in pig shit mud to hide from mosquitos and my relatives. The lizards, snakes and godzilla size cucaraches would not be running, slithering or crawling up my legs. I wouldn't have to worry about getting thrown in the river by a random Fama. You know who you are...

Going to church with my Lola everyday would be halted for ETERNITY. I mentioned in earlier blogs that I would only enter church if she bought me popcorn. I did enjoy chewing my popcorn rather loudly and for that I got wacked but thinking back, it was worth it. It wasn't that my Grandmother didn't love me. She just didn't know what to do with me. I guess beat me into submission with that damn broom would work for her. I wasn't afraid. My uncles should have never taught me that word....putanginamo....ooooh I said it again. How was I supposed to know I was either saying you are a son of a bitch or your mother is a slut whore. ooops. Real nice guys. Real nice. I love you Grandma broom and all, but your kids are freakin loco.

I wouldn't have to yell "WHAT??" 5000 times because I couldnt understand anybody or repeat myself constantly because they couldnt understand me either. I wouldn't shit my pants purple from eating ice cream I was lactose intolerant to. I was definitely NOT going to see another dead body for awhile or at least one that wasn't embalmed. Dudes, we got a stinker

My sweet uncles and cousins told me I was never going home. Jackasses. They said only my brother Ben was going to be allowed. The little Prince will pay. They told me I had to stay and climb coconut & banana trees for them. They even handed me a machete to wield around. Yes, I was five and I had a machete. They are so lucky I didn't feed Ben to the momma pig for saying that. Im pretty sure I wanted to at that point.

Another item on the list I would hope to never witness again in America...You know when they say, there are starving people in Africa, eat your food? Well apparently there are starving people in the Philippines. Want not, waste not was big in this family. Nothing was left to spare or left uneaten. NOTHING. I often heard this sound petewww petewww petewww. The sound of spitting. I never really paid much attention to it til I found out what they were shooting passed me with their forked tongues. Now, I myself have never eaten a chicken foot and never will, but my mom and her family LOVES that wrinkly old cocks nasty ass foot. After you have chewed the meat off its pod, what do you have left in your mouth?  Little chicken toe nails. Petew, petew, petew....ewwwwww.

My nightmare would be over soon or so I thought...

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side" and find out why I have a fourth hole

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