Before I start this blog post I want to thank everyone who messages me their anonymous vagina stories. I will include as many blurbs as I can but please keep them coming. This will be just the first in a series of Snatch 22 posts because of all the messages I have been receiving. You guys are great. MWAHHH!
There are so many names for the female genitalia. Vagina, kiki, tunnel of love, cum dumpster, cunt, box, snatch, pussy, bearded clam, slit, coochie, putang, punani, air pipe...well you get the picture. BTW I love the vag names. Feel free to list yours in the comment section.
Its a wonderous part of the anatomy. Its even SELF CLEANING...did you know that? How amazing is the human vagina? Extremely, if you ask me. It's my favorite part of the body besides my boobs. It brings great pleasure when you need it and unfortunately, it can bring great pain. Literally. You guys know what I mean right? I call it a "Snatch 22". In other words...your vagina fails you at the most innapropriate times.
For the most part we all know about the cramps girls get with their periods. These cramps can be so bad they shoot down your legs and make you keel over in pain. They can make us throw up five minutes before your first date with no breath mint in sight. So inconvenient.
We bleed. Get over it guys. We bleed a lot. We can bleed so much that giant clots form and its like as my girlfriend calls it, "Giving birth to dead baby animals". Shes right. The menstrual cycle is cruel & unusual. The uterus is spiteful. You can literally be fine and walking across your white carpet with not a cramp in site...buck fuckin naked...then all of a sudden. PLOP PLOP PLOP. Yup, you just dropped a few clots and now you have a crime scene in your living room. I am jealous of anyone who has a period that just spots for a few days. You are the lucky ones. Not me. I get dead baby animals. I know what you are thinking...Jeannies's hot factor just soared.
Shopping for pads and tampons every month can be so fuckin inconvenient because even though you know hell is coming every 28 days you are never ready and you run around your job asking anyone with a vagina if they have a tampon. On the off chance NOBODY has a feminine product, its rolled up papertowels in your panties for the rest of the day. You better pray those suckers don't fall out. They can and they will if given the chance. Like in a Hallmark...next to the hottest guy you have ever seen...you're single and he WANTS to pick your make shift pad up off the floor for you. It's a Snatch 22...
Pulling out a tampon can be downright dangerous. One word...Splatter. They can fall out on their own. Like a freakin slip & slide at a horror show. They get stuck from the dryness of not using the right size tampon and its like dragging an open wound across hot sand. Fun. Sometimes if you are lucky, they get lost up in your tunnel of love never to be found again until you call your very best friend, spread your legs on the dining room table and send her up there with a flash light, two fingers and hopefully some latex gloves to play "Hey where the fuck did that string go?". That's what friends are for!
Nobody wants to get their period during the honeymoon stage of dating. Ya know, when you finally decide to let him lay the pipe and BAM...dead baby animals during foreplay & wtf is that smell? For those who are into that, make sure you have your handy dandy tarp available. The Red Badge of Courage is some serious shit if you ask me.
I received a text the other day saying they had just blew up the bathroom with their dumping skills. My response was I just let loose a tampon that only compares to a bucket of pigs blood from the movie Carrie. Their Reply: NASTY...My job was done.
Until the next Snatch 22 post, I will see you on the Flip Side. Once again thank you so much for all your support and sticking around during my blogs down time.
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