Six white boys who go to Longwood High School debuted their first mix tape today. I don't really know much about them except that I really really like their new songs. It's an accomplishment they should be very proud of. I am going to bring them in for an impromptu interview in the near future and get all the deets for ya. Maybe I will video tape it. Should be fun. Can't wait.
Here is the link to all their new songs. Tune in.
There are so many names for the female genitalia. Vagina, kiki, tunnel of love, cum dumpster, cunt, box, snatch, pussy, bearded clam, slit, coochie, putang, punani, air pipe...well you get the picture. BTW I love the vag names. Feel free to list yours in the comment section.
Its a wonderous part of the anatomy. Its even SELF CLEANING...did you know that? How amazing is the human vagina? Extremely, if you ask me. It's my favorite part of the body besides my boobs. It brings great pleasure when you need it and unfortunately, it can bring great pain. Literally. You guys know what I mean right? I call it a "Snatch 22". In other words...your vagina fails you at the most innapropriate times.
For the most part we all know about the cramps girls get with their periods. These cramps can be so bad they shoot down your legs and make you keel over in pain. They can make us throw up five minutes before your first date with no breath mint in sight. So inconvenient.
We bleed. Get over it guys. We bleed a lot. We can bleed so much that giant clots form and its like as my girlfriend calls it, "Giving birth to dead baby animals". Shes right. The menstrual cycle is cruel & unusual. The uterus is spiteful. You can literally be fine and walking across your white carpet with not a cramp in site...buck fuckin naked...then all of a sudden. PLOP PLOP PLOP. Yup, you just dropped a few clots and now you have a crime scene in your living room. I am jealous of anyone who has a period that just spots for a few days. You are the lucky ones. Not me. I get dead baby animals. I know what you are thinking...Jeannies's hot factor just soared.
Shopping for pads and tampons every month can be so fuckin inconvenient because even though you know hell is coming every 28 days you are never ready and you run around your job asking anyone with a vagina if they have a tampon. On the off chance NOBODY has a feminine product, its rolled up papertowels in your panties for the rest of the day. You better pray those suckers don't fall out. They can and they will if given the chance. Like in a Hallmark...next to the hottest guy you have ever seen...you're single and he WANTS to pick your make shift pad up off the floor for you. It's a Snatch 22...
Pulling out a tampon can be downright dangerous. One word...Splatter. They can fall out on their own. Like a freakin slip & slide at a horror show. They get stuck from the dryness of not using the right size tampon and its like dragging an open wound across hot sand. Fun. Sometimes if you are lucky, they get lost up in your tunnel of love never to be found again until you call your very best friend, spread your legs on the dining room table and send her up there with a flash light, two fingers and hopefully some latex gloves to play "Hey where the fuck did that string go?". That's what friends are for!
Nobody wants to get their period during the honeymoon stage of dating. Ya know, when you finally decide to let him lay the pipe and BAM...dead baby animals during foreplay & wtf is that smell? For those who are into that, make sure you have your handy dandy tarp available. The Red Badge of Courage is some serious shit if you ask me.
I received a text the other day saying they had just blew up the bathroom with their dumping skills. My response was I just let loose a tampon that only compares to a bucket of pigs blood from the movie Carrie. Their Reply: NASTY...My job was done.
Until the next Snatch 22 post, I will see you on the Flip Side. Once again thank you so much for all your support and sticking around during my blogs down time.
Like my page: http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian
Follow me on twitter: @funtasian
When a storm like this comes around you better be prepared for your Husky to want to go play in the blizzard ALL night long.
She won't come in and tunnels through the snow. The human in me wants my pup to come in the house so she doesn't freeze to death even though i know she can withstand negative 58 degrees.
Here is a video of me trying to get her to come in while she's frolicking in the snow and taking refuge under her tree cave that im too scared to go under. The wind was whipping and i was in my 1970 shorts and tall boots so i didn't stay out there long. Maybe tomorrow I'll build a giant penis in the yard. Wheres John Bianco when I need him?
Thanks for stopping by! See you on the Flip Side...
I was very excited when the Mick Thomas show had one of my favorite Long Island comedians on their Podcast back in November. He is Comedian/Actor Chris Roach.
The first time I ever saw Chris on stage was at Calverton Links for a Livestrong fundraiser about four or five years ago. First off, I was amazed at his size. He is a big ass dude. The second was the extremely ugly shirt he had on that was also big ass. He was the only comic I remembered from that night. He was hilarious. I went home and youtubed him just so I could hear his LIRR song again. Unfortunately there was no porn that I could locate folks.
Fast forward to last April...
I am back at Calverton Links for the annual Livestrong fundraiser and who was part of the show?? Chris Roach! I was so excited. He was even wearing that big ugly shirt again. I was in comedy love.
Also on the show that night were more of my favorite LI Comedians; Lori Palminteri, John Ziegler & Mick Thomas. This blog isn't about them though. But feel free to catch them at Mcguires Bohemia, Governers Levittown or the Brokerage Bellmore ;)
Chris will be recording his first comedy album this Friday, February 8th at 8pm at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia, NY. Its sure to be a hilarious show. I'll be there with my girlfriends. You can get free tickets by going to govs.com and using coupon code "meatscarf". Best coupon code ever!
Click the link below to listen to Mick Thomas & Tommy Dunseith interview Chris Roach. Its a great podcast about comedy and how they started out. This is probably one of my favorite podcasts from these guys.
http://mickandtommyshow.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/mick-and-tommy-show-bonus-episode-3/
Follow Chris Roach on twitter @roachcomic
His website:
http://www.chrisroachlive.com/
See you on the Flip Side and thanks for stopping by. Now beat it & go listen to the podcast!
Here is my take on it...
I am half white. Also known as, "Can't dance for shit". The Asian half is of no help either because having to multi-task my arms and legs to a beat is no easy task for me. I can move my hips while standing in place & I can walk in place but dont ask me to move my hips AND walk in place. There is video (that maybe I will post in the future) of me and I look like a retarded seal. A fat retarded seal who can't wait for her next bucket of chum.
Like the other Sean T videos there is something I have to know. Why the fuck is everyone smiling? Who is that happy while working out? Creeps. I am going to try to do the same. I am going to smile the whole Hip Hop Abs session while cursing on the inside only. My ass will probably explode with profanities. A shit storm so to speak
As you can tell I don't like anyone in these videos either. Asian Tanya is following me around like a workout ninja from dvd to dvd. Bitch better watch her skinny completely toned back. I know Asians like to band together like white on rice but this is ridiculous. No, I will not be your workout buddy, I want to smash your smiley face in. Btw my tits are nicer than yours.
Just like in Insanity all the participants are skinny with abs of a greek god. They are all experienced dancers with years of training. Really Sean T? You should put people like Hef, Turner & myself in the videos so retarded seals don't feel so bad when they cant do the freak out move fast enough. I was so happy when they made me get on all fours. Ooooh exciting right? No, it hurts. Who hip hops on all fours if you're not grinding? Having to lift my legs and pulse in the cardio recovery was exactly why I switched to the hip hop abs for a few days. This fucker sucks. He snuck the same moves in on my easy workout. Sneaky bastard is conspiring with Asian Tanya.
During last nights workout, Sean T wanted to know if I felt good on the inside. The answer is Yes, I feel amazing. After seeing the playback of me trying to hip hop, I am amazed at how my dreams of being the star of the next "Honey" movie sequel are shattered.
I've added some screen shots of me from the Hip Hop Abs video because frankly I love to laugh at myself & you get to laugh at me as well. Or be apalled. Not the most attractive photos of myself, but fuck it, this is who I am trying to get back in shape. Yes my tank top says "Clam Power" I support the clammers of the Great South Bay...in case you are wondering, but I just had to have it because it makes me giggle.
See you on the Flip Side! Thanks for stopping by!
Like my fanpage www.facebook.com/thefuntasian and follow me on twitter: @funtasian
First things first. This workout is full of trickery. I think I drank more water during this dvd than the others combined. Oh you want me to do a plank? Sure I can do those. Now lets lift a leg and pulse it up and down. Yea...I can't do those.
What? You want to do some nice and slow squats? I can do those. Now lets hold that squat and pulse it for days on end. I can't do those but that Asian bitch Tanya can. Die skinny Sean T minion.
This workout hurt. It burned worse than the epidural I had with Madzilla. The whining never stops from Turner and I. We kept saying, "Are your legs shaking because mine are". I did hear a lot of bones cracking coming from the both of us and everytime I had to go into a deeper squat I thought I was going to shit my shorts. I didn't, but gas was imminent.
I continue to dislike everyone in the video. Men should not be able to balance better than me. I start calling out all their flaws. "Did you see Sean T's foot wobble?" Yes m'aam, that shit wobbled. He ain't so great afterall. And they need to stop smiling. Who smiles like that when your body is being tortured? Freakin psychos.
Sean T. should stop asking me if I can feel it deep inside. For one thing, my perverted side of the brain goes right to the vag wishing I felt it deep inside and the other side just hears my stomach growling...deep inside aching for a Snickers to satisfy me. Also, stop telling me to drink your recovery formula. Ain't happening unless it includes a sack of onion rings from White Castle.
I know there is some method to this overly ripped abs of steels madness. I am not sure what that is, but I know it works and I will whine and crawl my ass across the floor begging for it to stop til I have my old body back again.
Tomorrow is the sissy Mary Insanity workout with Sean T. Also known as Hip Hop Abs. I'll let you know how that is...Heyyyyyyyy!!
See you on the Flip Side Tasians and as always thank you for the support! MWAHH!
Follow me on twitter: @funtasian
Like my fanpage! http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian
Anybody who knows me knows I HATE working out. The only workout I want is between the sheets or bending my elbows to get the fork to my mouth. The last thing I want to do after working all day is get down with Sean T and his psychotic workout for over achievers.
What I really want to do is fire up the deep fryer and make some lumpia with rice and vinegar. Nom Nom Nom
Well its day two of Insanity with Turner & Hef. I was proactive and opened the windows, turned off the heat and upped the ceiling fan to high prior to working out. Its almost ten pm and I have better things to do like surf the net for obnoxious posts. While I was waiting for Jen 1 and Jen 2, I set up my tablet to record the hilarity in the hopes they wouldn't find out. Hef found out... And although I won't post the video because I have been threatened with being dismembered by a woodchipper, it went something like this... "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, IF YOU POST THIS ANYWHERE I WILL COME AND FIND YOU etc... etc..." hmmm I have to learn how to edit movies on my tablet to just show the funny clips
At first it was only recording us from the Asses down. It was not a pretty site at all. So I made it worse by turning the camera so it would get the full bodies. Nothing to see here but dying seals wailing for god & chocolate to come save them.
Just like on day one, I do not understand how these people move so damn fast. We had to do a lot of jumps. The guy on the video was like a mexican jumping bean. I really want to hurt that man so he can never jump again. I don't like anyone in these videos. Like I said, put a fat bitch in there like myself who cant make it through a 3 minute warm up because that's what really happens when you do this workout. Asian Tanya to the left with a smile on your face? Fall down and break your face & all your teeth. Corn row abs of steel to the right? Pull your groin out & get an abdominal hernia. Irish step dancer in the back? Impale yourself on a Guiness tap & choke on some Lucky Charms. Sean T? I want to kick you in the nuts. Just sayin...
The only words I want to hear from Sean T are: Time for your 30 second water break and move at your own pace. My pace is sloth. A sloth that crawls across the floor and lays half on the couch half off.
Hef hid my phone again. I hate tall people.
After making it through yet again another 40 minutes of hell, the three of us sat down to watch the video. When you are actually doing the jumps, you think you are getting so far off the ground & you're all excited. That excitement disappears when the video proof shows this not to be true. We suck. We suck really bad.
I am writing this blog 24 hours after the workout. I can't walk today. I don't even want to get off this chair to walk up the hallway to bed. I'm contemplating staying here all night. I dont know why my calves hurt so bad since I couldn't jump my fat ass off the ground. We all took today off from working out but Turner will be here tomorrow morning. Kill myself. I think I will cover myself in pain patches and tape hot hands to my boobs. They don't hurt. I just want some hot hands on them ;)
Here is a still photo from the video of me lying on the floor with Turner in the corner and I can't get up.
See you tomorrow on Inside the Flip Side. Night Tasians! MWAHHHHH & thanks for stopping by.
3 Months later and healthy again, I'm ready to work out full force. I thought what a better way than to jump right back into Insanity. I should stop thinking immediately or only think of cake.
Last night was our first night back to the grind. It went something like this....
3 minutes into the warm up this was me...Uhhhh Does anyone else want to die? Their answers were yes. I had to turn the heat off in the house, open the windows that were right in front of us & turn the fan on high
I live for the 30 second water breaks. I curse every five seconds. I read that cursing cuts pain in half by fifty percent. Although I would love to believe this and continued to curse through out the workout, I know this to be a big fat lie. I cursed during both births of my children. It didnt do shit for the pain I felt while my twat let out an 8 pounder.
I think all I kept saying was OH MY GOD FUCK MY FACE over and over. Turner and Hef were dying just as much as me. We crawled across the floor. We laid there cooling our bodies on the hard wood. Hef suggested we go make snow angels in the front yard. I was so hot, I wanted to go out there and make snow angels naked. I would've too.
This workout is not easy. I know this because when I watch the dvds eating a bowl of chips and dip it gives me great joy to see the people in the video fall down and struggle to do a push up. I want to see real people do Insanity. People who fall down because they cant breath. I want to see fat bitches. Who can just get down and do man push ups on the first try. A year ago I couldn't do shit. Do you remember the Fembots? I believe thats who are in this video.
I want to know how these people move so fast. It cant be humanly possible. These people are not normal. I want to throw Sean T off a cliff. I hate Sean T and his arachnid looking abs. Maybe I want to touch them a little bit.
As I sit here writing this, every muscle in back and shoulders are sore from last nights workout. During the pushups Hef disappeared. I think she was in the kitchen doing her push ups against the counter while dry heaving into the sink. We all wanted to vomit.
Turner laid on the couch and Hef chased me around the dining room table trying to take my phone away while Anthony Didomenico was texting me about all the countries the podcast I was on hit. I felt this was more important than butt kicks & high kicks. Hef put my phone up high and I could not reach it on my own til she gave it back at the end. That bitch
Even though we cursed at each other for most of the forty minutes we continued to urge each other on which is what you need if you decide to torture yourself with a 40 minute nazi workout. God help us, this was only disk one
As you may have guessed I will be chronicling (is that even a word) our sessions with video clips and stills like I do with the Kraken Kronicles.
Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Insanity workout synopsis. I took video and Hef found out. She threatened to find me and kill me if it posts anywhere. There is your evidence if I wind up at the bottom of Yaphank Lake. Hef did it...