Meanwhile in the Philippines...
I was days away from returning to the states. No more walking the turkey or watching the chickens run around with no head. Yes that really happens. I wondered if the Caribou would remember me and my conversations with them. If water buffalo could talk...My daily avoidance of the buffalo shit oven was ending. Coming to a theater near you, "The Dunger Games". I would miss the toothless candy lady in the woods with that certain glaze over her eyes. I now know that look...it's called crackhead. What would become of my new piglet friends & their fat mama? Bacon & Chicharone
I would not miss the snakes falling out of the trees into my lap or walking under the hot blazing sun to school. Impromtu wakes disguised as parties would never happen to me again. If they do I will be prepared with Loves Baby Soft in my purse and Vicks Vapor Rub under my nose.
How bittersweet that I will not be chased down by a broom ever again. At least not by my Lola. Unfortunately, this also meant I would never see her again in person. Would I miss being dragged to church with my Lola and Aunts everyday? Nope. One day a week was hard enough with my own mother. I would miss the popcorn she bought to shut me up before church and telling me not to chew so loud during. She raised 13 children from a very young age. I dont know what amazes me more. The fact that she gave birth 13 times or that she was quicker than a ninja witch with a broom on Halloween.
I couldn't wait to never sleep in a mosquito net ever again. I would definitely NOT miss the bugs the size of my palms or the alleged bug bite on my inner thigh. When I say alleged its because I had a spot on my leg and it hurt. It was the tiniest of cuts that turned into a bump. My mother said it was a bug bite. Yea my big fat filipino ass it was a bug bite. Of course at age 5 I believed what she said and went on my merry way back to the piggery where I introduced more germs to my bug bite. This "bug" bite continued to grow & grow & grow. Techinically speaking if we are to get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Yes it was a bug bite. The microscopic bacteria kind of bug. You know the kind. It grows a giant boil and eats your flesh kinda bug. If you would like a visual, it was on my upper inner thigh. By the time it was full grown, it looked like a scrotum sack hanging right next to my crotch and it fuckin hurt. I swore it had a pulse and was my long lost twin. I was taken to the doctor who told me it was a bad infection/boil. Ok thats great. Um get rid of it! "Noooo", said the doctor. The body will take care of it. You, Dr. Crackerjack are an asshole.
I had no idea what to expect from the boil disguised as a throbbing nut sack on my leg. It was in the crease so I was quite uncomfortable. Try to imagine having a newly grown sexual organ hanging off your inner thigh that you liked holding onto and playing with. Now imagine it EXPLODES. Literally. Every where. I heard it pop. I screamed for my daddy. He came running of course only to open the door & see me covered in blood from my crotch to my feet. To him, I was a five year old version of Carrie or going through the youngest menstrual cycle known to man because within 2 seconds he screamed for my mother. While the wait for them was only seconds, I was able to shove cotton balls where the buckets of blood and puss were seeping out. The blood was never ending. That's because it was the black hole of boils. The alleged bug bite turned boil ate a hole deep into my leg. And that my friends is where my fourth hole originated.
I was so young when the boil exploded so I have always had the hole and scar on my leg. This led to many question from people who got a look at it. Of course my answers ranged from. Oh its just a dimple, to thats where my twin was removed, to bloody stump, to impaled on a coconut tree, to of course...my mini vagina.
When I look back at my five year old self, I wonder where the hell did she get her tenacity from. I had to embrace it or run like hell to the nearest rice patty. Let the Dunger Games begin. (thanks Brad)
See you soon on Inside Flip Side... "Coming Home"