The Funtasian

As I counted down the days of my return home to the states, my parents got increasingly irritated with me. Of course I was just as annoying and relentless back then as am I now. Probably more now. Definitely more now. I pounced my dad every morning with the magic number til we left. That was so much fun. He would get so mad, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home so badly.

Every night I told myself this was one less day that I had to spend chasing chickens who were "toys" during the day and dung oven sacrifices at night. I would leave behind the pet turkeys on leashes and the dogs with no names. yuckkkk! The toothless candy lady in the woods would probably go broke without my daily runs to her jungle bunk house. My uncles would have to go back to torturing each other instead of me since I would no longer be there. The mosquito net that strangled me every night in the cage I slept in would be no more. I wouldn't be caked in pig shit mud to hide from mosquitos and my relatives. The lizards, snakes and godzilla size cucaraches would not be running, slithering or crawling up my legs. I wouldn't have to worry about getting thrown in the river by a random Fama. You know who you are...

Going to church with my Lola everyday would be halted for ETERNITY. I mentioned in earlier blogs that I would only enter church if she bought me popcorn. I did enjoy chewing my popcorn rather loudly and for that I got wacked but thinking back, it was worth it. It wasn't that my Grandmother didn't love me. She just didn't know what to do with me. I guess beat me into submission with that damn broom would work for her. I wasn't afraid. My uncles should have never taught me that word....putanginamo....ooooh I said it again. How was I supposed to know I was either saying you are a son of a bitch or your mother is a slut whore. ooops. Real nice guys. Real nice. I love you Grandma broom and all, but your kids are freakin loco.

I wouldn't have to yell "WHAT??" 5000 times because I couldnt understand anybody or repeat myself constantly because they couldnt understand me either. I wouldn't shit my pants purple from eating ice cream I was lactose intolerant to. I was definitely NOT going to see another dead body for awhile or at least one that wasn't embalmed. Dudes, we got a stinker

My sweet uncles and cousins told me I was never going home. Jackasses. They said only my brother Ben was going to be allowed. The little Prince will pay. They told me I had to stay and climb coconut & banana trees for them. They even handed me a machete to wield around. Yes, I was five and I had a machete. They are so lucky I didn't feed Ben to the momma pig for saying that. Im pretty sure I wanted to at that point.

Another item on the list I would hope to never witness again in America...You know when they say, there are starving people in Africa, eat your food? Well apparently there are starving people in the Philippines. Want not, waste not was big in this family. Nothing was left to spare or left uneaten. NOTHING. I often heard this sound petewww petewww petewww. The sound of spitting. I never really paid much attention to it til I found out what they were shooting passed me with their forked tongues. Now, I myself have never eaten a chicken foot and never will, but my mom and her family LOVES that wrinkly old cocks nasty ass foot. After you have chewed the meat off its pod, what do you have left in your mouth?  Little chicken toe nails. Petew, petew, petew....ewwwwww.

My nightmare would be over soon or so I thought...

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side" and find out why I have a fourth hole

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When I wasn't being tortured at Catholic school by ruler wielding Tagalog only speaking teachers and nuns, I was at my grandmothers shanty by the river walking turkeys in circles. This was not by choice. She begged my mom to leave me with her. She should have just cut to the chase and said, "My broom misses Jeannie's pu-et(ass)". I spent more time running from the broom than time with my Lola(grandmother). God, I hope she doesn't find out I hid the broom under the bed...

My uncles weren't all that bad, but I couldn't understand a word they said. Between their broken english and thick filipino accent it was hard to communicate so I nodded alot & awkwardly smiled. I took defeat and asked one of my younger uncles to teach me more tagalog. He was fun. He taught me all the bad words. I realized later on that this was just another form of getting me in trouble. The broom was found and I was chased once again for telling my Lola off. Tagalog style. My uncle will pay. Im going to steal his dinner and set it free. Here, piggy piggy piggy...

While my english was perfectly fine, my tagalog was definitely in need of help. I could have sworn my mother said she was going to a party when she spoke to the Fama-ly. As the elders headed for the bus stop, I used to my half ninja like skills to wriggle away from my cousins who were holding me back from joining my mother. I was mighty strong for a wee little Flip. Hahaha, I got away.  Im going to the party!! I'll deal with the broom later.

My mother didn't realize I was on the bus til it was too late. She didn't hear the screams of my cousins yelling to stop the bus. My mom and Aunt "Slants" were NOT happy to see me at all. They mumbled about how I shouldn't be going to the "Party". Too bad ladies, I was going and I was thrilled about it. Why were they all shaking their heads?

As we departed the bus I saw a lot of people at this party. It was hot as hell in this little house and it smelled really bad. What kind of Filipino food were they cooking at this party? It smelled worse than a burning goat.  Lots of candles were lit, but someone should tell them they weren't working. I was hungry. As I made my way through the house. People were crying. I don't like this party, but I need food. Finally, I saw my Mom and Aunt Slants looking at a table wrapped in pretty lace and satin. I found the food & geesh the food really stinks here. I ran up to the table, but I was too small to see the food. So, I used my half ninja like skills again. I grabbed the table and kept jumping to see. My Aunt Slant kept swatting at me to cut it out, but I was determined even though it stunk like shit in there. This party SUCKED. I moved to my mothers left and took one more giant leap as I grabbed the table for leverage. The table rocked forward just a bit. Enough for me to see that I was NOT at a party. This was NOT a table of food. This IS a WAKE and I just saw my first DEAD body...

Can't a girl just get an eggroll?

See you tomorrow on "Inside the Flip Side" ;)

 

 

 

 

I pondered a question to my father..."Daddy, why dont the dogs here have names? A shrug was all I got & a bit of a snicker.

Hmmm, but the turkeys & chickens had names, how strange. Are the turkey & chickens their pets? After all the turkeys did have leashes.  I kind of already knew the answer. My mother told me the stories about all the four legged animals she had eaten. All the chickens she beheaded. She called them her "toys".  Good lord, my mommy was a SAVAGE. She will do well in Yaphank, but I wondered if this is why we didnt have a dog back home. She might eat it.

I dont remember the first time I went to the Philippines. I have only heard the stories of my disgust for this home away from home. I have seen the pictures and I am not smiling in any of them. Actually, I am crying and this doesn't shock me because there's an Uncle in all of them.

My grandparents shanty by the river was a lap of luxury. Have you ever been chased with a broom while you tried to get away by crawling across a bamboo floor? Not the smooth bamboo floors of today either. REAL bamboo. The kind if you crawl across you swear that your knees had shattered. Why was I being chased by my grandmother and her broom across a bamboo floor? It was because I wouldnt eat the shrimp off her stick. My face is cringing right now remembering how it still had beady black eyes and all its little legs. She tried to stick it in my mouth and I refused. How disgusting. Who eats things with the eyes still attached? Get me the hell out of here and it was only day 1.

I counted every day til I could go back to Yaphank where my grandfather made me coffee and watch tv. There was no TV and no coffee here, but there was 7-up. It came delivered in a milk crate, a weeks worth and I drank it all in one day. I denied this of course. Oh fuck, here comes the broom again

I slept tangled in mosquito nets by night and played in the pig sty by day. More like hid in the sty until an Uncle ratted me out. Damn full breeds. I felt at home with the little piglets. Must've been the Yaphank in me. One of the Uncles who will remain nameless kept telling me not to touch the piglets because its mother would not love it anymore or feed it. He also told me I killed all the chicken eggs too.  I asked him if this is what he told himself when he ate them. And out came that damn broom...

I felt like I was running for my life from Grandmothers to the toothless candy lady in the woods. Yes, even half way around the world, if there was candy I was going to find it. Even in the jungle. I was five, barefoot and running around a stange land all by myself. How did I ever make it out alive & who the fuck was watching me?

I dont remember at what point my parents enrolled me in Catholic School. What I do remember is the ugly uniform, the extreme folding of the knee socks, the fact that nobody ever smiled (a requirement) and in the class picture, we were told NOT to smile(What the fuck is this god awful place?). I got yelled at daily for doing what I did best. Scream at the teacher in english. I was the token half white kid. She hated me and she told on me to the nuns.  I was in BIG trouble.  So I did the only thing I could do to protect myself. I hid my Grandmothers broom... 

Next time on Inside the FLIP Side..."Mom, is that a dead person?" "How far is the fall to those crocodiles?" & "Why are we using umbrellas if its not raining?" See you on the FLIP side!!