The Funtasian

AHHHH the day has finally arrived. I am leaving on a jet plane and I am never ever ever coming back again. Ever. Yes, that was a little bit of John Denver/T Swift right there.

Everybody was crying. There were so many tears. What a bunch of pussies. Just stop...90% of you will be living in my house in no time. The other 10% percent...well there will be blogs for that. Wish I could've seen into the future of all the relatives who were coming to live with us. My house became the gateway to America, land of the free, home of the where the white people at?

Mine of course were tears of joy. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Yea buh bye...

You can keep your dung ovens, balut, water buffalo, brooms, foods that squirmed, the weird bathrooms, nuns, church, crazy people, dead bodies, edible lizards, snakes and whatever else that drove me crazy...and with that said, they couldn't understand WHY I wanted to come home so bad! 

It was a long journey back to the states. I was extremely squirmy on the plane and couldn't sit still as any child. Could've been my excitement or that fact that a 23 hour journey on a giant tin can built by the lowest bidder is hard for a five year old. There was a little old lady who kept letting me sit on her lap. By little and old, I mean probably 30 & 4 feet tall. I kept telling her I was going home to eat Wonder Bread & bologne with my white Grandpa.

I don't remember my brother being on the flight. I think maybe they finally put his whiney ass in a cat crate in the baggage hold. Thats my best case scenario and all I've got on him right now. Meow...

Unfortunately when you travel in the winter there are snow storms that re-direct your flight. Sometimes you get to go to a nice place and other times...like this time...it wasn't a nice place. It was fucking DETROIT. This was the great blizzard of 1978 dumping two feet of snow in Michigan and forcing us to land there instead of JFK. Why not some place fancy like Paris?

We were hardly prepared for coming home to a blizzard even though it was winter. My dad was trudging through the snow in shorts. Ben & I wore my dads tube socks on our legs. Not ghetto at all, but this is Detroit. We had to stay overnight in a hotel for the night. We took a shady taxi. Thank god my dad relatively knew the area because there was some sketchy business going on in the wrong side of  the 8 mile that night. The cab driver started to take a different route and the lady sharing the cab with us was putting all her valuables into her boots. Sketchy...very, very sketchy. My dad forced him to turn down some road which was better than the dark alley we would've all been left to die in. Afterall, Detroits nickname is Murder Town.  Probably the only moment in my life, I wanted to be back in the rice patty with buffalo dung in my hands, a shrimp head in my mouth & leeches on my legs. Swear...

This wasn't the only scary thing to happen in Detroit. My mom lost me in the airport. Could you imagine? I was only five and my mother whos holding Ben for her dear life loses me. I don't know where my dad was. There were glass partitions everywhere along with escalators. I got trapped and off she went. I was scared fuckin shit. There was a couple that took my hand and asked me if I was lost. No lady, normally five year olds in nothing but a tank top and tube socks wandering the Detroit airport know exactly where they are. They wanted to bring me to lost & found or sell me to thieves. Then just when I thought I would never see my mother again, there she was at the top of the escalator looking for me. I offered them my brother but they declined. ;)

There was a wonderful surprise waiting at home when we got back laying on the kitchen floor. My grandpa got a dog!! He was a big black newfoundland collie mix named Bones & he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen. I thought what a strange name for such a large animal. I turned to my mom and said, "You hear that? His name is Bones, he has no meat, you can not eat this dog!" I hugged my Grandpa and whispered to him to keep a close eye on mother because I had seen things and I was worried for the new addition to the family. Then off to bed I went. I was home...in Yaphank and it felt good. Well, until I had to go back to school and felt like a foreigner once again.

See you next time on Inside the Flip Side...

I have always loved Halloween. Its by far one of my favorite holidays. Simply because you go around collecting FREE sugar disguised as chocolate and Smarties. 

In the Philippines there was no trick or treating. (I can only imagine what they would give out. YUCK!) There was going to the grave yard and having picnics with your deceased loved ones. OOOOH the fun never stops there, but this blog isn't about the Flip side. Its about my disgust for useless Halloween candy. Yaphank is not the easiest place to go trick or treating. I grew up on a Service Rd to the Long Island Expressway. Houses were very far apart and there were not many. It was dangerous and you had to walk a miles for one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. 

The best part was coming home and emptying my pillow case loaded with treats. Ok the best part was dressing my brother up as a girl every halloween. 

Even to this day, I love emptying my little spawns of satans pillow cases on the floor to go thru. I mean steal from. There is always the good pile and the I wouldn't eat this shit pile if it was the last candy on earth. Of course the tootsie rolls get their own pile because there are so MANY. 

You know the candy I am talking about. Here is a list of the Halloween candy that should be banned.

Laffy Taffys - Disgusting, specifically the banana ones.

Flavored Tootsie Rolls - We get enough chocolate ones, just stop.

Mary Janes - I happen to love Mary Janes but they come wrapped in the wax paper. They tend to melt and leak all over the pillow case that you are hiding from your parents candy tax. 

Palmer Chocolates(AKA The Hersheys Imposter) - They suck at Easter, why would they be any better at Halloween. Stop being so cheap. 

Brachs Peppermints & Butterscotch(you've been saving these for a year) - By the time Halloween rolls around from last Christmas, they are melted and attached to the plastic. Useless. Cant even give them to my horse. 

Foil Wrapped Chocolate Coins- Its bad enough when you get real pennies in a ziplock but I want quiet money and until Hersheys makes foil wrapped coins, I dont want to see them in my pillow case.

Dum Dum Lollipops - One or two of these at the yearly well visit is a lot. 53 of them in my treat bag. No thanks

Pretzels - Um no, if I want free pretzels, I'll go to the bar, Unless you want to throw a beer in the bag, then I'm good

Now & Laters - They are much easier to unwrap these days but back then you couldnt get the wax paper off. One thing hasn't changed, they can still pull your fillings out and still taste like you're licking flavored wallpaper. 

Warheads - Simply said, candy should not punish your taste buds

Mad Dogs - Foam at the mouth gum balls should only be used as revenge candy against co-workers (yes I have)

Jelly Beans - At least these arent as old as the left over christmas candy but they still suck the same 

Good & Plenty - I hate black licorice and these are black licorice disguised as pretty candies. I'm on to you.