The Funtasian

Are you thankful everyday or do you only give thanks right before Thanksgiving? I, myself give thanks everyday and it usually goes like this... Thank god I am NOT pregnant. 

The last few days I was thankful for my curves & my vagina but there is so much more I am thankful for. Here is my list...

My sex toy because duh, everybody should have one or five. Everybody.

My kids so I can subcontract chores. They gotta be good for something.

My stiletto heels that make my short legs look hot when my feet are firmly planted on the ground and even hotter when they are up in the air. Wink.

Sex. Like who is not thankful for that? When you are married as long as I am it is hard to come by. Game over. So when you can get it, you better damn well be thankful for it. 

My boobs. Im almost 41 and they still stand up on their own & they're mine. nuff said

Being half asian. I didn't get these cheek bones from the round eye side. 

My mom & dad who without a doubt are there for me 24/7 and also have given me so much material to blog about that I will never run out of words. This includes my brother Ben too. I love you. (weak moment)

My dogs for shitting in the foyer and making me get up earlier than I have to.

The hall monitor who in tenth grade said to me, "You are going to have an hourglass figure with that little waist & the boys are going to love it"  I laughed at her, but man she was a smart cookie

Tampax Ultra formally the Vortex. They finally make a tampon that can handle the civil unrest in my uterus only to discontinue it everywhere and finding it is like seeing a fuckin unicorn in the middle of Walmart. 

Rainbow cookies. Just because they are pretty and they are my favorite cookie ever. 

For every person in my life that has ever made me laugh. I find humor in all that I come across and it really gets me thru anything. Except childbirth, there was nothing funny about an 8lb parasite coming out of my vagina. ;)

My husband because I am crazy and well, YOU married me. 

Jello shots, Pop Shots & Reddi Whip. Yum

Coochie Cream ;) For those of you who have no idea what it is. It makes the hair on your body grow back slower after you shave. AMAZABALLS

My Fama-ly because having 9000 asian relatives just isnt enough. Worse than rabbits

The Kraken for making my mornings as frustrating as they are hilarious.

Madzilla because we laugh til we cry 

Most importantly I would like to thank YOU; my supporters, my fans & my friends. Thank you for coming back everyday and supporting my blog & my sick, twisted, sarcastic humor. You make it fun and you make me laugh which for me is the most gratifying aspect about being the Funtasian. Besides my cartoon self being so hot. 

My friends old and new. You know who you are. You hold me up & pick me up, you let me sleep anywhere I want (like you have a choice), you train me, you push me, you drive me nuts, you share your panties, you crack me up, you let me poison you, you got me to vote, you look for Ben & Jerrys Cream Filled Whore & you feed me to name a few, but most importantly...You let me be ME. A complete & utter looney bin. I love you from the bottom of my icy cold heart. 

So give thanks to your bits, your toys, your friends, your food, your loved ones & my blog. You're welcome. ;) 

Happy Thanksgiving Tasians! See you on the Flip Side...MWAHHHHHH

So here we go...

My inquisitive child recently asked me what it was like find out I was pregnant with her. Do I lie and say it was the happiest day of my life? It was not, but it was a day that changed my life forever. I was completely shocked. I cried and cried and cried.  I was young just two days shy of my 23rd birthday and not married. Bad girl. I was not ready. She asked me what I was thinking. My life was over. I told her I went over my choices in my head. She looked at me like, what do you mean you thought about your choices?? We all have choices. It is our right. It is my body. I told her that when I was asked what I wanted to do, I told her the only thing I could and said I was having you. She was shocked by the fact that we thought about it. She said, "Obviously you made the right choice to have an amazing child." This was true and amazing is an understatement.

I have never been one to sugar coat anything. You will never hear me say how wonderful pregnancy is or how much i enjoyed having a child growing inside of me. Being pregnant sucked but I will have a seperate blog about that.

Dear Madeline,

You came to us November 9th at 4:31 pm. I think. One of you was born at this time. Sucked out by a Dyson and you were blue, purple even with the cord wrapped around your neck not breathing. I yelled to make you scream. You were born a procrastinator. You still are...just like me.

Yep, You were beautiful. Just as I had predicted. Big violet-blue eyes that you got from your Daddy. A full head of light brown hair. Grandma thought you looked filipino. Delusional. You were long and not chubby as I had imagined. Then I saw them...Holy Mother of God. Your feet were HUGE and so were your hands. The nurses laughed at you. You held your own bottle at two days old. You were extraordinary, but you didn't like to sleep. What a pain in my ass.

You were easy to raise. I never spoke to you like you were a baby. I always told it like it was with you no matter what your age and I always will. I am not sure why I never babied you, but I hope it doesnt backfire on me. So you called me a bitch at age 3. You are so much like me. Your wit and sarcasm is spot on and I enjoy our daily banter even though sometimes I want to punch you in the uterus.

I love laughing with you and even more so, I love laughing at you. Can't help it, I am mean like that.

As my first born, I wanted to put you in every sport or activity I could. You didn't care for anything really until I put you on a horse for the first time and you were a natural. That's my little panker...

You were such a great little equestrian. A champion really. Our champion. Nobody could touch you in that ring when you brought your A game which was 99 percent of the time. The day we gave you and Sydney your pony Stella was one of the greatest moments of my life. You cried with excitement and happiness. Sydney of course screamed at the top of her lungs with jealousy wanting to know where her pony was. It was hilarious. I am sorry you lost her. She was your best friend and I know her death changed you.

I am so proud of your accomplishments. You had the ability to go into a ring and take it all. You're an artist and a good one. A gift from your father of course. You didn't get that shit from me.

I always had a camera in your face and you were always prepared with a smile. You were and still are very photogenic. I am not saying this because I am your mother and feel obligated to tell you how beautiful you are. You really are. You never look bad. Ok there was that one year when you were very sick.  You could go to the barn with your hair up in a ratty bun and still look gorgeous. Lucky bitch. You have grown up to be a lovely young lady. Im so proud of who you have become. Except the lazy never cleaning your room, hate to do chores, huff and puffing part. You gotta work on that.

Lets talk about your feet. They are no joke. Gigantic. They are why we call you Madzilla. You would trample over everything with your giant pods. Your hands are alien like. Somebody will be shocked when they get a huge bitch slap from you.

In a little less than a year you will go off to college. School Sucks. I am so happy you are taking your core classes at home before you go off to become a large animal vet. I dont think I could ever handle you going away so soon even though I'll have had 18 years with you. You're my daughter and it will never be enough time.

Dont worry there will be more blogs about you and your awesomeness. I am holding out for the good stuff. This was just a special one. Happy Birthday to my spawn of satan. You are without a doubt Awesome, but even more so, you are the heart that beats outside of my body. I chose wisely...

 Love,

Your old, immature & childish mother...

Enjoy some older pics of us. See you on the Flip Side ;)

I have always loved Halloween. Its by far one of my favorite holidays. Simply because you go around collecting FREE sugar disguised as chocolate and Smarties. 

In the Philippines there was no trick or treating. (I can only imagine what they would give out. YUCK!) There was going to the grave yard and having picnics with your deceased loved ones. OOOOH the fun never stops there, but this blog isn't about the Flip side. Its about my disgust for useless Halloween candy. Yaphank is not the easiest place to go trick or treating. I grew up on a Service Rd to the Long Island Expressway. Houses were very far apart and there were not many. It was dangerous and you had to walk a miles for one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. 

The best part was coming home and emptying my pillow case loaded with treats. Ok the best part was dressing my brother up as a girl every halloween. 

Even to this day, I love emptying my little spawns of satans pillow cases on the floor to go thru. I mean steal from. There is always the good pile and the I wouldn't eat this shit pile if it was the last candy on earth. Of course the tootsie rolls get their own pile because there are so MANY. 

You know the candy I am talking about. Here is a list of the Halloween candy that should be banned.

Laffy Taffys - Disgusting, specifically the banana ones.

Flavored Tootsie Rolls - We get enough chocolate ones, just stop.

Mary Janes - I happen to love Mary Janes but they come wrapped in the wax paper. They tend to melt and leak all over the pillow case that you are hiding from your parents candy tax. 

Palmer Chocolates(AKA The Hersheys Imposter) - They suck at Easter, why would they be any better at Halloween. Stop being so cheap. 

Brachs Peppermints & Butterscotch(you've been saving these for a year) - By the time Halloween rolls around from last Christmas, they are melted and attached to the plastic. Useless. Cant even give them to my horse. 

Foil Wrapped Chocolate Coins- Its bad enough when you get real pennies in a ziplock but I want quiet money and until Hersheys makes foil wrapped coins, I dont want to see them in my pillow case.

Dum Dum Lollipops - One or two of these at the yearly well visit is a lot. 53 of them in my treat bag. No thanks

Pretzels - Um no, if I want free pretzels, I'll go to the bar, Unless you want to throw a beer in the bag, then I'm good

Now & Laters - They are much easier to unwrap these days but back then you couldnt get the wax paper off. One thing hasn't changed, they can still pull your fillings out and still taste like you're licking flavored wallpaper. 

Warheads - Simply said, candy should not punish your taste buds

Mad Dogs - Foam at the mouth gum balls should only be used as revenge candy against co-workers (yes I have)

Jelly Beans - At least these arent as old as the left over christmas candy but they still suck the same 

Good & Plenty - I hate black licorice and these are black licorice disguised as pretty candies. I'm on to you. 

Every night I told myself this was one less day that I had to spend chasing chickens who were "toys" during the day and dung oven sacrifices at night. I would leave behind the pet turkeys on leashes and the dogs with no names. yuckkkk! The toothless candy lady in the woods would probably go broke without my daily runs to her jungle bunk house. My uncles would have to go back to torturing each other instead of me since I would no longer be there. The mosquito net that strangled me every night in the cage I slept in would be no more. I wouldn't be caked in pig shit mud to hide from mosquitos and my relatives. The lizards, snakes and godzilla size cucaraches would not be running, slithering or crawling up my legs. I wouldn't have to worry about getting thrown in the river by a random Fama. You know who you are...

Going to church with my Lola everyday would be halted for ETERNITY. I mentioned in earlier blogs that I would only enter church if she bought me popcorn. I did enjoy chewing my popcorn rather loudly and for that I got wacked but thinking back, it was worth it. It wasn't that my Grandmother didn't love me. She just didn't know what to do with me. I guess beat me into submission with that damn broom would work for her. I wasn't afraid. My uncles should have never taught me that word....putanginamo....ooooh I said it again. How was I supposed to know I was either saying you are a son of a bitch or your mother is a slut whore. ooops. Real nice guys. Real nice. I love you Grandma broom and all, but your kids are freakin loco.

I wouldn't have to yell "WHAT??" 5000 times because I couldnt understand anybody or repeat myself constantly because they couldnt understand me either. I wouldn't shit my pants purple from eating ice cream I was lactose intolerant to. I was definitely NOT going to see another dead body for awhile or at least one that wasn't embalmed. Dudes, we got a stinker

My sweet uncles and cousins told me I was never going home. Jackasses. They said only my brother Ben was going to be allowed. The little Prince will pay. They told me I had to stay and climb coconut & banana trees for them. They even handed me a machete to wield around. Yes, I was five and I had a machete. They are so lucky I didn't feed Ben to the momma pig for saying that. Im pretty sure I wanted to at that point.

Another item on the list I would hope to never witness again in America...You know when they say, there are starving people in Africa, eat your food? Well apparently there are starving people in the Philippines. Want not, waste not was big in this family. Nothing was left to spare or left uneaten. NOTHING. I often heard this sound petewww petewww petewww. The sound of spitting. I never really paid much attention to it til I found out what they were shooting passed me with their forked tongues. Now, I myself have never eaten a chicken foot and never will, but my mom and her family LOVES that wrinkly old cocks nasty ass foot. After you have chewed the meat off its pod, what do you have left in your mouth?  Little chicken toe nails. Petew, petew, petew....ewwwwww.

My nightmare would be over soon or so I thought...

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side" and find out why I have a fourth hole

If you haven't liked my fan page please do so at www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

I love seeing your comments so feel free to leave them under the blog post or on my fan page. Thanks for always coming back. The support is a wonderful thing. It almost melts my little icy heart. Almost...

I have seen Anthonys stand up and he is very good so when you see me share his schedule on facebook. Go have a look see. He also has a website www.anthonydidomenico.webs.com and you can follow him on twitter @comicanthonyd. Follow Bill on twitter @BAMicle

They have a facebook Fan Page so click the link and like them. They will put pics of big cans if you do.  www.facebook.com/organizedchaosradio.com

Follow them on twitter @ocradiogaga. The'yre not getting a lot tweets so follow and tweet them about the lack of big cans on their fan page.

They are also on itunes and not because of Anthonys computer skills. Bill is wayyy smarter than Anthony.  At the time that this podcast aired Anthony was promoting a Movie by the very talented James Britt called "The Creature from the Blecch Lagoon",  Rendevous with Comedy 50's style. It was at Governers on October 24th. Anthony had a non speaking part in the movie and he was terrific saying nothing and stuffing his face. You make GREAT face Ant.

Anthony likes promoting people and his Eskimo Brother is in a band called "Face The King". You can find them at www.facethekingband.com. They have a new single called, "You, Me & the Sound on their website. Vic, I know you are reading this, so blog about this band for me k? Thanks dude. ;) Anthony is nominated in the Long Island Press for Best Long Island Comic. Vote here - http://vote.longislandpress.com/engine/YourSubmission.aspx?contestid=71109. There are better but don't vote for them, only vote for Anthony.

Oooh Oooh they got an email question from the fabulous Jeannie Powers. Wink - Find out their stance on taxable lap dances in New York. Also visit Jeannie's hilarious blog at www.funtasian.com. You are here. Like her fan page at www.facebook.com/thefuntasian and follow her on twitter @u3powers. Now please...

Bill also had a question asked of him a long time ago..."If you could clone yourself, would you have sex with yourself and if you did would it make you gay or would it be considered masturbation? Anthony will NOT have sex with his clone, let alone a guy. Listen to find out what he thinks about jerking off his perverted clone. Eyes wide SHUT.

Anthony just had his one year annivesary with Weight Watchers, down a whopping 109lbs. Ain't that just the shit! He thanks his brother Mike for the after school special intervention involving a whiffle ball bat. I can't stop singing Paul Revere.

If there are any bands who want their songs played on their show, email or facebook them with pics and bios to read. They accept gold coins as payment. Bill would like canned soup.

Next monday on their podcast is comedian Chris Monty. Also nominated for best Long Island Comedian.

I brag about these clowns every week (except the month they re-organized) so I am sure I don't have to tell you AGAIN how funny they are so here is their 12th podcast episode...

The Mick Thomas Show featuring Mick Thomas, Tommy Dunseith and Jimmy Britt.

http://soundcloud.com/the-mick-thomas-show-podc/the-mick-thomas-show-episode-2

Here is a summary...

Episode 12 is sponsored by McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia www.mcguirescomedyshows.com & Nardy Honda Smithtown www.nardyhonda.com. Wink. They didn't receive any emails this week. Lazy fuckin listeners. All pity emails can be sent to themickthomasshow@yahoo.com. Seriously email them. They will read them on air.

Tommy has an alter ego named Timmy and he showed up for a hot second. You will have to listen to their older podcasts(I swear I will post them soon) to hear him and he's a few flies short of a poo poo platter but Tommy as Timmy is hilarious. Mick banged two sisters at an Ireland wedding. Nobody gave two shits.

This Wednesday October 24th, Jimmy Britt has a movie he created called The Creature from the Blecch Lagoon. Check the artwork for more information and go see the show. 

Paranormal Activity 4...Do you believe in ghosts? Timmy believes in sasquatch. Find out what the Lochness Monster really is. The Long Island Mediums husband sifts thru garbage and this weeks wacked video discussion about why dick'll make you slap somebody. She rockin & rollin!

The Mick Thomas Show has a facebook fan page and what do we do with them? We likey poo them. They need 50 likes so they can get their own web link. Can you help them out?

Click the link below!

https://www.facebook.com/HuhWhat#!/pages/The-Mick-Thomas-Show/205755642889738?fref=ts

To listen to their podcast, click below...

http://soundcloud.com/the-mick-thomas-show-podc/the-mick-thomas-show-episode-2

http://themickthomasshow.podbean.com/2012/10/12/the-mick-thomas-show-episode-11/#respond

Brought to you by Mick Thomas, Tommy Dunseith and welcome comedian James Britt. Thank you...

After a much anticipated return I am happy to bring you their 11th episode. These guys were gone too long. Its been a boring month boys so don't ever do that to me again.

I havent had the chance to blog about these fellas yet individually except to always link their podcast to my facebook page in the hopes you would listen and laugh your ass off like I have since they started.

Here's a little synopsis of the 11th Episode of The Mick Thomas Show

Micks got a ball cyst. ouch? The Swedish Chef from the muppets makes an appearance thru Tommy. Love. Why Mick wont do Irish Spring commercials. It's rascist. Mick says girls have a martyr gene. Yes we absolutely do. 23 year old girls go thru an emotional change. I call it a psychotic episode but whatever. Woman are like Iraq. TRUTH. Sex toys. Yesssss. Has your vag ever been slipped an Altoid? Not mine. Anal Massage video on how to do anal breathing. Just listen...

Make sure you like their new fan page on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Mick-Thomas-Show/205755642889738?fref=ts

Like my fan page www.facebook.com/thefuntasian and visit my personal blog at www.funtasian.com

Filipino Spaghetti, Kare Kare, Diniguwan & Bagoong to name a few.  Don't worry I will define them in another blog. But I am warning you. You will wish I hadn't. 

There is no other food in the universe that I am more afraid of then the BALUT.

When I was little my mom always talked about the Balut. Be afraid. How much she loved it. Vomit. How it was the only food (if you can even call it that)  she could keep down while pregnant with me. Some things should be kept to yourself. How my dad had to chase the Balut cart down the streets of the Philippines. Where was the word NO in your vocab back then, Daddy?  How delicious it is. LIAR!!

It seems innocent enough. It's not. Sitting there in the fridge door amongst the other eggs. Traitor. You always knew though because the bright purple eggs (and it ain't Easter) were close by. I will not be fooled. 

For those of you who do not know what a "Balut" is, let me enlighten you. Gagging. It is in all intensive purposes an egg. I feel sick. A duck egg to be exact. Donald & Daisy would be appalled. An incubated duck egg. Donald & Daisy just dropped dead. Dinners ready...

Whoever came up with an incubated duck egg as a meal should be shot. I couldn't get away from these undercover eggs. My fridge in Yaphank, the egg I supposedly killed on the pig farm. That was a BALUT.  It didn't incubate long enough. I killed a yolk. Partial duck abortion? Whoops. The Uncles were anggggry. Oh no, not the broom again.

Like I mentioned, this is an incubated duck egg. Whyyyyy? It's incubated anywhere from 17-21 days depending on your palate. I can't. To the regular human, it looks like a chicken egg sitting there undercover with the rest. Dont let it fool you. This is no regular egg. You cant fry it up. Sautee only. You SUCK it up. Puking in my mouth. Better get a toothpick.

This isn't my definition. I came across this and it cracked me up...

Asian mothers are the worst of Asian parents. They are the ones, in particular, who bitch slap you if you get a B+ and force you to wear the cheap clothing they buy.

They are the ones, in particular, who ignore all your A's in your report and punish you for just one B.

It is the Asian mothers that usually buy cheap clothing for their kids, and the writing on the clothing makes no sense at all. To make things worse, they put mothballs in the closet to make the clothes smell like shit. So, you're wearing a shirt that makes no sense, and smells ridiculous.

Asian mothers are worse than Asian fathers. At least Asian fathers are laid back a little bit more and can tell properly if your report card is good or not.

Stay tuned for some scary food insight of my life at age five tomorrow on "Inside the FLIP Side"