The Funtasian

There are so many names for the female genitalia. Vagina, kiki, tunnel of love, cum dumpster, cunt, box, snatch, pussy, bearded clam, slit, coochie, putang, punani, air pipe...well you get the picture. BTW I love the vag names. Feel free to list yours in the comment section.

Its a wonderous part of the anatomy. Its even SELF CLEANING...did you know that? How amazing is the human vagina? Extremely, if you ask me. It's my favorite part of the body besides my boobs. It brings great pleasure when you need it and unfortunately, it can bring great pain. Literally. You guys know what I mean right? I call it a "Snatch 22". In other words...your vagina fails you at the most innapropriate times.

For the most part we all know about the cramps girls get with their periods. These cramps can be so bad they shoot down your legs and make you keel over in pain. They can make us throw up five minutes before your first date with no breath mint in sight. So inconvenient.

We bleed. Get over it guys. We bleed a lot. We can bleed so much that giant clots form and its like as my girlfriend calls it, "Giving birth to dead baby animals". Shes right. The menstrual cycle is cruel & unusual. The uterus is spiteful. You can literally be fine and walking across your white carpet with not a cramp in site...buck fuckin naked...then all of a sudden. PLOP PLOP PLOP. Yup, you just dropped a few clots and now you have a crime scene in your living room. I am jealous of anyone who has a period that just spots for a few days. You are the lucky ones. Not me. I get dead baby animals. I know what you are thinking...Jeannies's hot factor just soared.

Shopping for pads and tampons every month can be so fuckin inconvenient because even though you know hell is coming every 28 days you are never ready and you run around your job asking anyone with a vagina if they have a tampon. On the off chance NOBODY has a feminine product, its rolled up papertowels in your panties for the rest of the day. You better pray those suckers don't fall out. They can and they will if given the chance. Like in a Hallmark...next to the hottest guy you have ever seen...you're single and he WANTS to pick your make shift pad up off the floor for you. It's a Snatch 22...

Pulling out a tampon can be downright dangerous. One word...Splatter. They can fall out on their own. Like a freakin slip & slide at a horror show. They get stuck from the dryness of not using the right size tampon and its like dragging an open wound across hot sand. Fun. Sometimes if you are lucky, they get lost up in your tunnel of love never to be found again until you call your very best friend, spread your legs on the dining room table and send her up there with a flash light, two fingers and hopefully some latex gloves to play "Hey where the fuck did that string go?". That's what friends are for!

Nobody wants to get their period during the honeymoon stage of dating. Ya know, when you finally decide to let him lay the pipe and BAM...dead baby animals during foreplay & wtf is that smell? For those who are into that, make sure you have your handy dandy tarp available. The Red Badge of Courage is some serious shit if you ask me.    

I received a text the other day saying they had just blew up the bathroom with their dumping skills. My response was I just let loose a tampon that only compares to a bucket of pigs blood from the movie Carrie. Their Reply: NASTY...My job was done.

Until the next Snatch 22 post, I will see you on the Flip Side. Once again thank you so much for all your support and sticking around during my blogs down time.

Like my page: http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

Follow me on twitter: @funtasian

I was very excited when the Mick Thomas show had one of my favorite Long Island comedians on their Podcast back in November. He is Comedian/Actor Chris Roach. 

The first time I ever saw Chris on stage was at Calverton Links for a Livestrong fundraiser about four or five years ago. First off, I was amazed at his size. He is a big ass dude. The second was the extremely ugly shirt he had on that was also big ass. He was the only comic I remembered from that night. He was hilarious. I went home and youtubed him just so I could hear his LIRR song again. Unfortunately there was no porn that I could locate folks. 

Fast forward to last April...

I am back at Calverton Links for the annual Livestrong fundraiser and who was part of the show?? Chris Roach! I was so excited. He was even wearing that big ugly shirt again. I was in comedy love.

Also on the show that night were more of my favorite LI Comedians; Lori Palminteri, John Ziegler & Mick Thomas. This blog isn't about them though. But feel free to catch them at Mcguires Bohemia, Governers Levittown or the Brokerage Bellmore ;)

Chris will be recording his first comedy album this Friday, February 8th at 8pm at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia, NY. Its sure to be a hilarious show. I'll be there with my girlfriends. You can get free tickets by going to govs.com and using coupon code "meatscarf". Best coupon code ever!

Click the link below to listen to Mick Thomas & Tommy Dunseith interview Chris Roach. Its a great podcast about comedy and how they started out. This is probably one of my favorite podcasts from these guys. 

http://mickandtommyshow.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/mick-and-tommy-show-bonus-episode-3/

Follow Chris Roach on twitter @roachcomic

His website:

http://www.chrisroachlive.com/

See you on the Flip Side and thanks for stopping by. Now beat it & go listen to the podcast! 

Here is my take on it...

I am half white. Also known as, "Can't dance for shit". The Asian half is of no help either because having to multi-task my arms and legs to a beat is no easy task for me. I can move my hips while standing in place & I can walk in place but dont ask me to move my hips AND walk in place. There is video (that maybe I will post in the future) of me and I look like a retarded seal. A fat retarded seal who can't wait for her next bucket of chum.

Like the other Sean T videos there is something I have to know. Why the fuck is everyone smiling? Who is that happy while working out? Creeps. I am going to try to do the same. I am going to smile the whole Hip Hop Abs session while cursing on the inside only. My ass will probably explode with profanities. A shit storm so to speak

As you can tell I don't like anyone in these videos either. Asian Tanya is following me around like a workout ninja from dvd to dvd. Bitch better watch her skinny completely toned back. I know Asians like to band together like white on rice but this is ridiculous. No, I will not be your workout buddy, I want to smash your smiley face in. Btw my tits are nicer than yours.

Just like in Insanity all the participants are skinny with abs of a greek god. They are all experienced dancers with years of training. Really Sean T? You should put people like Hef, Turner & myself in the videos so retarded seals don't feel so bad when they cant do the freak out move fast enough. I was so happy when they made me get on all fours. Ooooh exciting right? No, it hurts. Who hip hops on all fours if you're not grinding? Having to lift my legs and pulse in the cardio recovery was exactly why I switched to the hip hop abs for a few days. This fucker sucks. He snuck the same moves in on my easy workout. Sneaky bastard is conspiring with Asian Tanya.

During last nights workout, Sean T wanted to know if I felt good on the inside. The answer is Yes, I feel amazing. After seeing the playback of me trying to hip hop, I am amazed at how my dreams of being the star of the next "Honey" movie sequel are shattered.

I've added some screen shots of me from the Hip Hop Abs video because frankly I love to laugh at myself & you get to laugh at me as well. Or be apalled. Not the most attractive photos of myself, but fuck it, this is who I am trying to get back in shape. Yes my tank top says "Clam Power" I support the clammers of the Great South Bay...in case you are wondering, but I just had to have it because it makes me giggle.

See you on the Flip Side! Thanks for stopping by!

Like my fanpage www.facebook.com/thefuntasian  and follow me on twitter: @funtasian

First things first. This workout is full of trickery. I think I drank more water during this dvd than the others combined. Oh you want me to do a plank? Sure I can do those. Now lets lift a leg and pulse it up and down. Yea...I can't do those.

What? You want to do some nice and slow squats? I can do those. Now lets hold that squat and pulse it for days on end. I can't do those but that Asian bitch Tanya can. Die skinny Sean T minion.

This workout hurt. It burned worse than the epidural I had with Madzilla. The whining never stops from Turner and I. We kept saying, "Are your legs shaking because mine are". I did hear a lot of bones cracking coming from the both of us and everytime I had to go into a deeper squat I thought I was going to shit my shorts. I didn't, but gas was imminent.

I continue to dislike everyone in the video. Men should not be able to balance better than me. I start calling out all their flaws. "Did you see Sean T's foot wobble?" Yes m'aam, that shit wobbled. He ain't so great afterall. And they need to stop smiling. Who smiles like that when your body is being tortured? Freakin psychos. 

Sean T. should stop asking me if I can feel it deep inside. For one thing, my perverted side of the brain goes right to the vag wishing I felt it deep inside and the other side just hears my stomach growling...deep inside aching for a Snickers to satisfy me. Also, stop telling me to drink your recovery formula. Ain't happening unless it includes a sack of onion rings from White Castle.

I know there is some method to this overly ripped abs of steels madness. I am not sure what that is, but I know it works and I will whine and crawl my ass across the floor begging for it to stop til I have my old body back again.

Tomorrow is the sissy Mary Insanity workout with Sean T. Also known as Hip Hop Abs. I'll let you know how that is...Heyyyyyyyy!!

See you on the Flip Side Tasians and as always thank you for the support! MWAHH!

Follow me on twitter: @funtasian

Like my fanpage! http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

Anybody who knows me knows I HATE working out. The only workout I want is between the sheets or bending my elbows to get the fork to my mouth. The last thing I want to do after working all day is get down with Sean T and his psychotic workout for over achievers.

What I really want to do is fire up the deep fryer and make some lumpia with rice and vinegar. Nom Nom Nom

Well its day two of Insanity with Turner & Hef. I was proactive and opened the windows, turned off the heat and upped the ceiling fan to high prior to working out. Its almost ten pm and I have better things to do like surf the net for obnoxious posts. While I was waiting for Jen 1 and Jen 2, I set up my tablet to record the hilarity in the hopes they wouldn't find out. Hef found out... And although I won't post the video because I have been threatened with being dismembered by a woodchipper, it went something like this... "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, IF YOU POST THIS ANYWHERE I WILL COME AND FIND YOU etc... etc..." hmmm I have to learn how to edit movies on my tablet to just show the funny clips

At first it was only recording us from the Asses down. It was not a pretty site at all. So I made it worse by turning the camera so it would get the full bodies. Nothing to see here but dying seals wailing for god & chocolate to come save them.

Just like on day one, I do not understand how these people move so damn fast. We had to do a lot of jumps. The guy on the video was like a mexican jumping bean. I really want to hurt that man so he can never jump again. I don't like anyone in these videos. Like I said, put a fat bitch in there like myself who cant make it through a 3 minute warm up because that's what really happens when you do this workout. Asian Tanya to the left with a smile on your face? Fall down and break your face & all your teeth. Corn row abs of steel to the right? Pull your groin out & get an abdominal hernia. Irish step dancer in the back? Impale yourself on a Guiness tap & choke on some Lucky Charms. Sean T? I want to kick you in the nuts. Just sayin...

The only words I want to hear from Sean T are: Time for your 30 second water break and move at your own pace. My pace is sloth. A sloth that crawls across the floor and lays half on the couch half off.  

Hef hid my phone again. I hate tall people.

After making it through yet again another 40 minutes of hell, the three of us sat down to watch the video. When you are actually doing the jumps, you think you are getting so far off the ground & you're all excited. That excitement disappears when the video proof shows this not to be true. We suck. We suck really bad.

I am writing this blog 24 hours after the workout. I can't walk today. I don't even want to get off this chair to walk up the hallway to bed. I'm contemplating staying here all night. I dont know why my calves hurt so bad since I couldn't jump my fat ass off the ground. We all took today off from working out but Turner will be here tomorrow morning. Kill myself. I think I will cover myself in pain patches and tape hot hands to my boobs. They don't hurt. I just want some hot hands on them ;)

Here is a still photo from the video of me lying on the floor with Turner in the corner and I can't get up.

See you tomorrow on Inside the Flip Side. Night Tasians! MWAHHHHH & thanks for stopping by.

3 Months later and healthy again, I'm ready to work out full force. I thought what a better way than to jump right back into Insanity. I should stop thinking immediately or only think of cake.

Last night was our first night back to the grind. It went something like this....

3 minutes into the warm up this was me...Uhhhh Does anyone else want to die? Their answers were yes. I had to turn the heat off in the house, open the windows that were right in front of us & turn the fan on high

I live for the 30 second water breaks. I curse every five seconds. I read that cursing cuts pain in half by fifty percent. Although I would love to believe this and continued to curse through out the workout, I know this to be a big fat lie. I cursed during both births of my children. It didnt do shit for the pain I felt while my twat let out an 8 pounder.

I think all I kept saying was OH MY GOD FUCK MY FACE over and over. Turner and Hef were dying just as much as me. We crawled across the floor. We laid there cooling our bodies on the hard wood. Hef suggested we go make snow angels in the front yard. I was so hot, I wanted to go out there and make snow angels naked. I would've too.

This workout is not easy. I know this because when I watch the dvds eating a bowl of chips and dip it gives me great joy to see the people in the video fall down and struggle to do a push up. I want to see real people do Insanity. People who fall down because they cant breath. I want to see fat bitches. Who can just get down and do man push ups on the first try. A year ago I couldn't do shit. Do you remember the Fembots? I believe thats who are in this video.

I want to know how these people move so fast. It cant be humanly possible. These people are not normal. I want to throw Sean T off a cliff. I hate Sean T and his arachnid looking abs. Maybe I want to touch them a little bit.

As I sit here writing this, every muscle in back and shoulders are sore from last nights workout. During the pushups Hef disappeared. I think she was in the kitchen doing her push ups against the counter while dry heaving into the sink. We all wanted to vomit.

Turner laid on the couch and Hef chased me around the dining room table trying to take my phone away while Anthony Didomenico was texting me about all the countries the podcast I was on hit. I felt this was more important than butt kicks & high kicks. Hef put my phone up high and I could not reach it on my own til she gave it back at the end. That bitch

Even though we cursed at each other for most of the forty minutes we continued to urge each other on which is what you need if you decide to torture yourself with a 40 minute nazi workout. God help us, this was only disk one

As you may have guessed I will be chronicling (is that even a word) our sessions with video clips and stills like I do with the Kraken Kronicles.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Insanity workout synopsis. I took video and Hef found out. She threatened to find me and kill me if it posts anywhere. There is your evidence if I wind up at the bottom of Yaphank Lake. Hef did it...

Everybody was crying. There were so many tears. What a bunch of pussies. Just stop...90% of you will be living in my house in no time. The other 10% percent...well there will be blogs for that. Wish I could've seen into the future of all the relatives who were coming to live with us. My house became the gateway to America, land of the free, home of the where the white people at?

Mine of course were tears of joy. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Yea buh bye...

You can keep your dung ovens, balut, water buffalo, brooms, foods that squirmed, the weird bathrooms, nuns, church, crazy people, dead bodies, edible lizards, snakes and whatever else that drove me crazy...and with that said, they couldn't understand WHY I wanted to come home so bad! 

It was a long journey back to the states. I was extremely squirmy on the plane and couldn't sit still as any child. Could've been my excitement or that fact that a 23 hour journey on a giant tin can built by the lowest bidder is hard for a five year old. There was a little old lady who kept letting me sit on her lap. By little and old, I mean probably 30 & 4 feet tall. I kept telling her I was going home to eat Wonder Bread & bologne with my white Grandpa.

I don't remember my brother being on the flight. I think maybe they finally put his whiney ass in a cat crate in the baggage hold. Thats my best case scenario and all I've got on him right now. Meow...

Unfortunately when you travel in the winter there are snow storms that re-direct your flight. Sometimes you get to go to a nice place and other times...like this time...it wasn't a nice place. It was fucking DETROIT. This was the great blizzard of 1978 dumping two feet of snow in Michigan and forcing us to land there instead of JFK. Why not some place fancy like Paris?

We were hardly prepared for coming home to a blizzard even though it was winter. My dad was trudging through the snow in shorts. Ben & I wore my dads tube socks on our legs. Not ghetto at all, but this is Detroit. We had to stay overnight in a hotel for the night. We took a shady taxi. Thank god my dad relatively knew the area because there was some sketchy business going on in the wrong side of  the 8 mile that night. The cab driver started to take a different route and the lady sharing the cab with us was putting all her valuables into her boots. Sketchy...very, very sketchy. My dad forced him to turn down some road which was better than the dark alley we would've all been left to die in. Afterall, Detroits nickname is Murder Town.  Probably the only moment in my life, I wanted to be back in the rice patty with buffalo dung in my hands, a shrimp head in my mouth & leeches on my legs. Swear...

This wasn't the only scary thing to happen in Detroit. My mom lost me in the airport. Could you imagine? I was only five and my mother whos holding Ben for her dear life loses me. I don't know where my dad was. There were glass partitions everywhere along with escalators. I got trapped and off she went. I was scared fuckin shit. There was a couple that took my hand and asked me if I was lost. No lady, normally five year olds in nothing but a tank top and tube socks wandering the Detroit airport know exactly where they are. They wanted to bring me to lost & found or sell me to thieves. Then just when I thought I would never see my mother again, there she was at the top of the escalator looking for me. I offered them my brother but they declined. ;)

There was a wonderful surprise waiting at home when we got back laying on the kitchen floor. My grandpa got a dog!! He was a big black newfoundland collie mix named Bones & he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen. I thought what a strange name for such a large animal. I turned to my mom and said, "You hear that? His name is Bones, he has no meat, you can not eat this dog!" I hugged my Grandpa and whispered to him to keep a close eye on mother because I had seen things and I was worried for the new addition to the family. Then off to bed I went. I was home...in Yaphank and it felt good. Well, until I had to go back to school and felt like a foreigner once again.

See you next time on Inside the Flip Side...

Thank you for all that you've taught me. Things like at the age of five that the street sign that reads "No Outlet" means no sidewalks. I believed you until I was 22 years old and made a fool. But really have you ever seen sidewalks where there are no outlet signs? I havent and I bet all of you will look now. 

You also taught me that frozen eggrolls never expire. Even when the shanghai paper looks like it wrapped a mummy from 3000 BC. Those little lumpias still taste delicious. This goes for all frozen meat in the extra filipino freezer downstairs in the scary haunted basement. 

Thank you for making spaghetti with red sauce on the day I got my first period and announcing it to everyone at the dinner table. Dad you freakin laughed. You're so lucky I didn't know what balls were yet. The expression on my little brothers face was amazing. I was hoping he would vomit but it didnt happen. One more thing about my period...you didnt teach me how to put the pad on and I was sticking them to my vag for a week before I realized I was doing it wrong. Also, I didnt think I was supposed to be giving myself a brazilian with my ginormous Kotex Maxi Pad was kind of a hint. 

When it comes to food though Mom, you really know how to do it. I mean who can take a few things out of the fridge and make a ten course meal. You may get botulism so be careful. Also stay away from the mystery pot. Especially if you see eyeballs or even a tail. An ox tail that is. 

Thank you for letting me suck the icing from the icing tube everytime you decorated a birthday cake. What great practice I was getting...I see what you did there mom...

Thank you for never warning me when you made the dreaded tripe soup. I have never smelled anything so disgusting in my life and I would rather eat the buffalo dung. Normal people do not boil tripe.

Thank you for always buying the frosted CHERRY Pop Tarts. They were Prince Ben's favorite, not mine. I am NOT bitter. NOT AT ALL.

Thank you for always threatening to eat my pets. Where did all the cats go?? Oh yea they were shot...You know who you are & I know you are reading this ;)

Thank you for not letting me look in the mirror when the dog mauled my face off on the way to the hospital. I probably would have died. 

Thank you for teaching me tagalog at such a young age. Sorry nothing really stuck except "Ben ay may bantot puwit" Ben has a stinky ass. ehh close enough. 

Thank you for always being a wonderful grandmother to my daughters even though Madeline swears she is your favorite...hmmm

Thank you for always wearing so much jewelry that Mr.T didnt have shit on you. I hate jewelry. You have saved Sean a lot of money.

Although I dont really look like you, thank you for the slant in my eyes and the height in my cheek bones and the smoothness in my skin. I hope I look as good as you at age 60 but since I am half white that will never happen. Lucky beotch.

Thank you for raising me Asian and making sure I didn't feel different. Even though everyone else saw us that way. You made sure I felt like me. 

Thank you for making me walk everyday to the deli and post office with you. I would probably be a fat obese kid had I not. Maybe I should start that up again. 

Sometimes, I can't understand a freakin word you are saying but thats Ok, the only words I want to hear are, "Honey I made you butterball cookies" & "I bought you clothes" & "I made you Grandmas muffins, don't tell Dad"

It couldn't have been easy raising a child like me. A smart ass, smart mouthed, stubborn, begrudged, spiteful, gorgeous girl hahaha, with a sick twisted mind thats always racing in circles like a freakin merry go round. You did good Ma...

Oh yea thank you for always making me tortas and corned beef & potatoes alpo style at my beckon call. Asian girl probs.  

I can go on and on but I will save the best stories for future blogs. hehehe

You are an inspiration and set a great example of what a wonderful mother and wife should be. You have raised the bar to a level I could never achieve. I could never be as patient as you are. Thanks dad. I lub you so pucking much Mama...

Stop fuckin cryin. 

Happy Birthday! Enjoy the pics...

Meanwhile in the Philippines...

I was days away from returning to the states. No more walking the turkey or watching the chickens run around with no head. Yes that really happens.  I wondered if the Caribou would remember me and my conversations with them. If water buffalo could talk...My daily avoidance of the buffalo shit oven was ending. Coming to a theater near you, "The Dunger Games".  I would miss the toothless candy lady in the woods with that certain glaze over her eyes. I now know that look...it's called crackhead. What would become of my new piglet friends & their fat mama? Bacon & Chicharone

I would not miss the snakes falling out of the trees into my lap or walking under the hot blazing sun to school. Impromtu wakes disguised as parties would never happen to me again. If they do I will be prepared with Loves Baby Soft in my purse and Vicks Vapor Rub under my nose.

How bittersweet that I will not be chased down by a broom ever again. At least not by my Lola. Unfortunately, this also meant I would never see her again in person. Would I miss being dragged to church with my Lola and Aunts everyday? Nope. One day a week was hard enough with my own mother. I would miss the popcorn she bought to shut me up before church and telling me not to chew so loud during. She raised 13 children from a very young age. I dont know what amazes me more. The fact that she gave birth 13 times or that she was quicker than a ninja witch with a broom on Halloween. 

I couldn't wait to never sleep in a mosquito net ever again. I would definitely NOT miss the bugs the size of my palms or the alleged bug bite on my inner thigh. When I say alleged its because I had a spot on my leg and it hurt. It was the tiniest of cuts that turned into a bump. My mother said it was a bug bite. Yea my big fat filipino ass it was a bug bite. Of course at age 5 I believed what she said and went on my merry way back to the piggery where I introduced more germs to my bug bite. This "bug" bite continued to grow & grow & grow. Techinically speaking if we are to get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Yes it was a bug bite. The microscopic bacteria kind of bug. You know the kind. It grows a giant boil and eats your flesh kinda bug. If you would like a visual, it was on my upper inner thigh. By the time it was full grown, it looked like a scrotum sack hanging right next to my crotch and it fuckin hurt. I swore it had a pulse and was my long lost twin. I was taken to the doctor who told me it was a bad infection/boil. Ok thats great. Um get rid of it! "Noooo", said the doctor. The body will take care of it. You, Dr. Crackerjack are an asshole. 

I had no idea what to expect from the boil disguised as a throbbing nut sack on my leg. It was in the crease so I was quite uncomfortable. Try to imagine having a newly grown sexual organ hanging off your inner thigh that you liked holding onto and playing with. Now imagine it EXPLODES. Literally. Every where. I heard it pop. I screamed for my daddy. He came running of course only to open the door & see me covered in blood from my crotch to my feet.  To him, I was a five year old version of Carrie or going through the youngest menstrual cycle known to man because within 2 seconds he screamed for my mother. While the wait for them was only seconds, I was able to shove cotton balls where the buckets of blood and puss were seeping out. The blood was never ending. That's because it was the black hole of boils.  The alleged bug bite turned boil ate a hole deep into my leg. And that my friends is where my fourth hole originated. 

I was so young when the boil exploded so I have always had the hole and scar on my leg. This led to many question from people who got a look at it. Of course my answers ranged from. Oh its just a dimple, to thats where my twin was removed, to bloody stump, to impaled on a coconut tree, to of course...my mini vagina. 

When I look back at my five year old self, I wonder where the hell did she get her tenacity from. I had to embrace it or run like hell to the nearest rice patty. Let the Dunger Games begin. (thanks Brad)

See you soon on Inside Flip Side... "Coming Home"