Rose are Red, Violets are Blue, This Duck Egg Will Be the Death of You...

Even before I went to the Philippines, I was introduced to some of the worst foods on the planet. All you ever heard me say was...I am not eating that...or that...or that...

Filipino Spaghetti, Kare Kare, Diniguwan & Bagoong to name a few.  Don't worry I will define them in another blog. But I am warning you. You will wish I hadn't. 

There is no other food in the universe that I am more afraid of then the BALUT.

When I was little my mom always talked about the Balut. Be afraid. How much she loved it. Vomit. How it was the only food (if you can even call it that)  she could keep down while pregnant with me. Some things should be kept to yourself. How my dad had to chase the Balut cart down the streets of the Philippines. Where was the word NO in your vocab back then, Daddy?  How delicious it is. LIAR!!

It seems innocent enough. It's not. Sitting there in the fridge door amongst the other eggs. Traitor. You always knew though because the bright purple eggs (and it ain't Easter) were close by. I will not be fooled. 

For those of you who do not know what a "Balut" is, let me enlighten you. Gagging. It is in all intensive purposes an egg. I feel sick. A duck egg to be exact. Donald & Daisy would be appalled. An incubated duck egg. Donald & Daisy just dropped dead. Dinners ready...

Whoever came up with an incubated duck egg as a meal should be shot. I couldn't get away from these undercover eggs. My fridge in Yaphank, the egg I supposedly killed on the pig farm. That was a BALUT.  It didn't incubate long enough. I killed a yolk. Partial duck abortion? Whoops. The Uncles were anggggry. Oh no, not the broom again.

Like I mentioned, this is an incubated duck egg. Whyyyyy? It's incubated anywhere from 17-21 days depending on your palate. I can't. To the regular human, it looks like a chicken egg sitting there undercover with the rest. Dont let it fool you. This is no regular egg. You cant fry it up. Sautee only. You SUCK it up. Puking in my mouth. Better get a toothpick.

I'd seen my mom suck one down many times when I was little. She was good about it. Never actually letting me see inside the egg. Until one day...

Imagine helping your mother make breakfast and she asks you to grab her some eggs and you drop them. Oops right? WRONG...Um Mom, there's dead birds on the floor...

When you crack open a Balut, this is what you see; a baby DUCK. Quack, quack? There are veins. Calling all phlebotomists. It has feathers, it has wings, it has eyes, it has a fucking BEAK, it has legs and little webbed feet. There's also some yolk and liquidy shit. But it no crunchy, they told me. 

My cousins, Uncles and my Aunt especially would suck these eggs down in front of me as if my little Asian American eyes hadn't seen or been through enough. They were not as gracious as my mother. They were messy. Like the Skeksis from the Dark Crystal at meal time.

When they were done they would smile at me knowing they had gray FEATHERS all stuck up in their teeth. Please kill me, just kill me. 

I came up with a game. One player, one winner. ME. It was aptly called "Chuck the Balut". If I saw a misplaced slightly oversized egg next to a purple undercover Easter egg in the fridge, it went right in the garbage. I'm in sooo much trouble. I threw them in rivers. Get the broom. I chucked them in the streets. Ass whoopin on the way. I left them for the animals. Who by the way wouldnt even eat them. So I ask you, which came first? The Duck or the Balut? 

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side...Food Edition"