The Funtasian

I was very excited when the Mick Thomas show had one of my favorite Long Island comedians on their Podcast back in November. He is Comedian/Actor Chris Roach. 

The first time I ever saw Chris on stage was at Calverton Links for a Livestrong fundraiser about four or five years ago. First off, I was amazed at his size. He is a big ass dude. The second was the extremely ugly shirt he had on that was also big ass. He was the only comic I remembered from that night. He was hilarious. I went home and youtubed him just so I could hear his LIRR song again. Unfortunately there was no porn that I could locate folks. 

Fast forward to last April...

I am back at Calverton Links for the annual Livestrong fundraiser and who was part of the show?? Chris Roach! I was so excited. He was even wearing that big ugly shirt again. I was in comedy love.

Also on the show that night were more of my favorite LI Comedians; Lori Palminteri, John Ziegler & Mick Thomas. This blog isn't about them though. But feel free to catch them at Mcguires Bohemia, Governers Levittown or the Brokerage Bellmore ;)

Chris will be recording his first comedy album this Friday, February 8th at 8pm at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia, NY. Its sure to be a hilarious show. I'll be there with my girlfriends. You can get free tickets by going to govs.com and using coupon code "meatscarf". Best coupon code ever!

Click the link below to listen to Mick Thomas & Tommy Dunseith interview Chris Roach. Its a great podcast about comedy and how they started out. This is probably one of my favorite podcasts from these guys. 

http://mickandtommyshow.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/mick-and-tommy-show-bonus-episode-3/

Follow Chris Roach on twitter @roachcomic

His website:

http://www.chrisroachlive.com/

See you on the Flip Side and thanks for stopping by. Now beat it & go listen to the podcast! 

So what's a choink to do when she is too lazy to do Sean T's Insanity? She pussies out and does Sean T's Hip Hop Abs for a few days in a row...

Here is my take on it...

I am half white. Also known as, "Can't dance for shit". The Asian half is of no help either because having to multi-task my arms and legs to a beat is no easy task for me. I can move my hips while standing in place & I can walk in place but dont ask me to move my hips AND walk in place. There is video (that maybe I will post in the future) of me and I look like a retarded seal. A fat retarded seal who can't wait for her next bucket of chum.

Like the other Sean T videos there is something I have to know. Why the fuck is everyone smiling? Who is that happy while working out? Creeps. I am going to try to do the same. I am going to smile the whole Hip Hop Abs session while cursing on the inside only. My ass will probably explode with profanities. A shit storm so to speak

As you can tell I don't like anyone in these videos either. Asian Tanya is following me around like a workout ninja from dvd to dvd. Bitch better watch her skinny completely toned back. I know Asians like to band together like white on rice but this is ridiculous. No, I will not be your workout buddy, I want to smash your smiley face in. Btw my tits are nicer than yours.

Just like in Insanity all the participants are skinny with abs of a greek god. They are all experienced dancers with years of training. Really Sean T? You should put people like Hef, Turner & myself in the videos so retarded seals don't feel so bad when they cant do the freak out move fast enough. I was so happy when they made me get on all fours. Ooooh exciting right? No, it hurts. Who hip hops on all fours if you're not grinding? Having to lift my legs and pulse in the cardio recovery was exactly why I switched to the hip hop abs for a few days. This fucker sucks. He snuck the same moves in on my easy workout. Sneaky bastard is conspiring with Asian Tanya.

During last nights workout, Sean T wanted to know if I felt good on the inside. The answer is Yes, I feel amazing. After seeing the playback of me trying to hip hop, I am amazed at how my dreams of being the star of the next "Honey" movie sequel are shattered.

I've added some screen shots of me from the Hip Hop Abs video because frankly I love to laugh at myself & you get to laugh at me as well. Or be apalled. Not the most attractive photos of myself, but fuck it, this is who I am trying to get back in shape. Yes my tank top says "Clam Power" I support the clammers of the Great South Bay...in case you are wondering, but I just had to have it because it makes me giggle.

See you on the Flip Side! Thanks for stopping by!

Like my fanpage www.facebook.com/thefuntasian  and follow me on twitter: @funtasian

 

 

 

 

The makers of Insanity are pretty crafty with their word usage for todays workout. "Cardio Recovery". To me that means to recover from the cardio death matches I have gone thru getting to this dvd. So Jen and I are thinking its going to be easier. The only GOOD thing about this workout is that it is 33 minutes instead of forty which made us very happy. It still hurts to walk and sitting up straight is an issue. I wonder if the men and women from American Gladiators can do this.

First things first. This workout is full of trickery. I think I drank more water during this dvd than the others combined. Oh you want me to do a plank? Sure I can do those. Now lets lift a leg and pulse it up and down. Yea...I can't do those.

What? You want to do some nice and slow squats? I can do those. Now lets hold that squat and pulse it for days on end. I can't do those but that Asian bitch Tanya can. Die skinny Sean T minion.

This workout hurt. It burned worse than the epidural I had with Madzilla. The whining never stops from Turner and I. We kept saying, "Are your legs shaking because mine are". I did hear a lot of bones cracking coming from the both of us and everytime I had to go into a deeper squat I thought I was going to shit my shorts. I didn't, but gas was imminent.

I continue to dislike everyone in the video. Men should not be able to balance better than me. I start calling out all their flaws. "Did you see Sean T's foot wobble?" Yes m'aam, that shit wobbled. He ain't so great afterall. And they need to stop smiling. Who smiles like that when your body is being tortured? Freakin psychos. 

Sean T. should stop asking me if I can feel it deep inside. For one thing, my perverted side of the brain goes right to the vag wishing I felt it deep inside and the other side just hears my stomach growling...deep inside aching for a Snickers to satisfy me. Also, stop telling me to drink your recovery formula. Ain't happening unless it includes a sack of onion rings from White Castle.

I know there is some method to this overly ripped abs of steels madness. I am not sure what that is, but I know it works and I will whine and crawl my ass across the floor begging for it to stop til I have my old body back again.

Tomorrow is the sissy Mary Insanity workout with Sean T. Also known as Hip Hop Abs. I'll let you know how that is...Heyyyyyyyy!!

See you on the Flip Side Tasians and as always thank you for the support! MWAHH!

Follow me on twitter: @funtasian

Like my fanpage! http://www.facebook.com/thefuntasian

 

Insanity should be called, "Let me just lay here and die". For realz

Anybody who knows me knows I HATE working out. The only workout I want is between the sheets or bending my elbows to get the fork to my mouth. The last thing I want to do after working all day is get down with Sean T and his psychotic workout for over achievers.

What I really want to do is fire up the deep fryer and make some lumpia with rice and vinegar. Nom Nom Nom

Well its day two of Insanity with Turner & Hef. I was proactive and opened the windows, turned off the heat and upped the ceiling fan to high prior to working out. Its almost ten pm and I have better things to do like surf the net for obnoxious posts. While I was waiting for Jen 1 and Jen 2, I set up my tablet to record the hilarity in the hopes they wouldn't find out. Hef found out... And although I won't post the video because I have been threatened with being dismembered by a woodchipper, it went something like this... "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, IF YOU POST THIS ANYWHERE I WILL COME AND FIND YOU etc... etc..." hmmm I have to learn how to edit movies on my tablet to just show the funny clips

At first it was only recording us from the Asses down. It was not a pretty site at all. So I made it worse by turning the camera so it would get the full bodies. Nothing to see here but dying seals wailing for god & chocolate to come save them.

Just like on day one, I do not understand how these people move so damn fast. We had to do a lot of jumps. The guy on the video was like a mexican jumping bean. I really want to hurt that man so he can never jump again. I don't like anyone in these videos. Like I said, put a fat bitch in there like myself who cant make it through a 3 minute warm up because that's what really happens when you do this workout. Asian Tanya to the left with a smile on your face? Fall down and break your face & all your teeth. Corn row abs of steel to the right? Pull your groin out & get an abdominal hernia. Irish step dancer in the back? Impale yourself on a Guiness tap & choke on some Lucky Charms. Sean T? I want to kick you in the nuts. Just sayin...

The only words I want to hear from Sean T are: Time for your 30 second water break and move at your own pace. My pace is sloth. A sloth that crawls across the floor and lays half on the couch half off.  

Hef hid my phone again. I hate tall people.

After making it through yet again another 40 minutes of hell, the three of us sat down to watch the video. When you are actually doing the jumps, you think you are getting so far off the ground & you're all excited. That excitement disappears when the video proof shows this not to be true. We suck. We suck really bad.

I am writing this blog 24 hours after the workout. I can't walk today. I don't even want to get off this chair to walk up the hallway to bed. I'm contemplating staying here all night. I dont know why my calves hurt so bad since I couldn't jump my fat ass off the ground. We all took today off from working out but Turner will be here tomorrow morning. Kill myself. I think I will cover myself in pain patches and tape hot hands to my boobs. They don't hurt. I just want some hot hands on them ;)

Here is a still photo from the video of me lying on the floor with Turner in the corner and I can't get up.

 

See you tomorrow on Inside the Flip Side. Night Tasians! MWAHHHHH & thanks for stopping by.

A little over a year ago my friends Kelley & Errrr turned me on to the Insanity workout. What good friends they are. Kell would honk in the driveway, call every number she had on me and even drag me out of bed kicking and screaming all the way to Errs house to work out. I did it. I got fit and I looked good. In between workouts with Kell & Err, there were the track runs, the bleacher runs, the push ups and the sit ups with Turner & Hef. Then some fucked up disease from 1920 hit my left lung during Hurricane Sandy. Its called pleurisy and that nice fit body I had went to shit. I want it back. NOW...

3 Months later and healthy again, I'm ready to work out full force. I thought what a better way than to jump right back into Insanity. I should stop thinking immediately or only think of cake.

Last night was our first night back to the grind. It went something like this....

3 minutes into the warm up this was me...Uhhhh Does anyone else want to die? Their answers were yes. I had to turn the heat off in the house, open the windows that were right in front of us & turn the fan on high

I live for the 30 second water breaks. I curse every five seconds. I read that cursing cuts pain in half by fifty percent. Although I would love to believe this and continued to curse through out the workout, I know this to be a big fat lie. I cursed during both births of my children. It didnt do shit for the pain I felt while my twat let out an 8 pounder.

I think all I kept saying was OH MY GOD FUCK MY FACE over and over. Turner and Hef were dying just as much as me. We crawled across the floor. We laid there cooling our bodies on the hard wood. Hef suggested we go make snow angels in the front yard. I was so hot, I wanted to go out there and make snow angels naked. I would've too.

This workout is not easy. I know this because when I watch the dvds eating a bowl of chips and dip it gives me great joy to see the people in the video fall down and struggle to do a push up. I want to see real people do Insanity. People who fall down because they cant breath. I want to see fat bitches. Who can just get down and do man push ups on the first try. A year ago I couldn't do shit. Do you remember the Fembots? I believe thats who are in this video.

I want to know how these people move so fast. It cant be humanly possible. These people are not normal. I want to throw Sean T off a cliff. I hate Sean T and his arachnid looking abs. Maybe I want to touch them a little bit.

As I sit here writing this, every muscle in back and shoulders are sore from last nights workout. During the pushups Hef disappeared. I think she was in the kitchen doing her push ups against the counter while dry heaving into the sink. We all wanted to vomit.

Turner laid on the couch and Hef chased me around the dining room table trying to take my phone away while Anthony Didomenico was texting me about all the countries the podcast I was on hit. I felt this was more important than butt kicks & high kicks. Hef put my phone up high and I could not reach it on my own til she gave it back at the end. That bitch

Even though we cursed at each other for most of the forty minutes we continued to urge each other on which is what you need if you decide to torture yourself with a 40 minute nazi workout. God help us, this was only disk one

As you may have guessed I will be chronicling (is that even a word) our sessions with video clips and stills like I do with the Kraken Kronicles.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Insanity workout synopsis. I took video and Hef found out. She threatened to find me and kill me if it posts anywhere. There is your evidence if I wind up at the bottom of Yaphank Lake. Hef did it...

AHHHH the day has finally arrived. I am leaving on a jet plane and I am never ever ever coming back again. Ever. Yes, that was a little bit of John Denver/T Swift right there.

Everybody was crying. There were so many tears. What a bunch of pussies. Just stop...90% of you will be living in my house in no time. The other 10% percent...well there will be blogs for that. Wish I could've seen into the future of all the relatives who were coming to live with us. My house became the gateway to America, land of the free, home of the where the white people at?

Mine of course were tears of joy. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Yea buh bye...

You can keep your dung ovens, balut, water buffalo, brooms, foods that squirmed, the weird bathrooms, nuns, church, crazy people, dead bodies, edible lizards, snakes and whatever else that drove me crazy...and with that said, they couldn't understand WHY I wanted to come home so bad! 

It was a long journey back to the states. I was extremely squirmy on the plane and couldn't sit still as any child. Could've been my excitement or that fact that a 23 hour journey on a giant tin can built by the lowest bidder is hard for a five year old. There was a little old lady who kept letting me sit on her lap. By little and old, I mean probably 30 & 4 feet tall. I kept telling her I was going home to eat Wonder Bread & bologne with my white Grandpa.

I don't remember my brother being on the flight. I think maybe they finally put his whiney ass in a cat crate in the baggage hold. Thats my best case scenario and all I've got on him right now. Meow...

Unfortunately when you travel in the winter there are snow storms that re-direct your flight. Sometimes you get to go to a nice place and other times...like this time...it wasn't a nice place. It was fucking DETROIT. This was the great blizzard of 1978 dumping two feet of snow in Michigan and forcing us to land there instead of JFK. Why not some place fancy like Paris?

We were hardly prepared for coming home to a blizzard even though it was winter. My dad was trudging through the snow in shorts. Ben & I wore my dads tube socks on our legs. Not ghetto at all, but this is Detroit. We had to stay overnight in a hotel for the night. We took a shady taxi. Thank god my dad relatively knew the area because there was some sketchy business going on in the wrong side of  the 8 mile that night. The cab driver started to take a different route and the lady sharing the cab with us was putting all her valuables into her boots. Sketchy...very, very sketchy. My dad forced him to turn down some road which was better than the dark alley we would've all been left to die in. Afterall, Detroits nickname is Murder Town.  Probably the only moment in my life, I wanted to be back in the rice patty with buffalo dung in my hands, a shrimp head in my mouth & leeches on my legs. Swear...

This wasn't the only scary thing to happen in Detroit. My mom lost me in the airport. Could you imagine? I was only five and my mother whos holding Ben for her dear life loses me. I don't know where my dad was. There were glass partitions everywhere along with escalators. I got trapped and off she went. I was scared fuckin shit. There was a couple that took my hand and asked me if I was lost. No lady, normally five year olds in nothing but a tank top and tube socks wandering the Detroit airport know exactly where they are. They wanted to bring me to lost & found or sell me to thieves. Then just when I thought I would never see my mother again, there she was at the top of the escalator looking for me. I offered them my brother but they declined. ;)

There was a wonderful surprise waiting at home when we got back laying on the kitchen floor. My grandpa got a dog!! He was a big black newfoundland collie mix named Bones & he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen. I thought what a strange name for such a large animal. I turned to my mom and said, "You hear that? His name is Bones, he has no meat, you can not eat this dog!" I hugged my Grandpa and whispered to him to keep a close eye on mother because I had seen things and I was worried for the new addition to the family. Then off to bed I went. I was home...in Yaphank and it felt good. Well, until I had to go back to school and felt like a foreigner once again.

See you next time on Inside the Flip Side...

I meant to blog episode 10 but I got a wee bit drunk watching the Knicks game last night so here is 11 instead. 

On Episode 11 of the Organized Chaos Radio Show...

Guess what happened?? Someone finally went to Finns but has a stupid bread allergy and couldn't have a muffin. Gluten sucks balls. Well, one person coming in is better than none. Go to freakin Finns Deli on 4646 Merrick Road in Massapequa. Mention the radio show and you get free muffins and shit that I cant eat. BTW it's really clean in there. 

Jeannie Powers and funtasian.com gets plugged again. She must really be amazing & lovely & unicorny and all that nice stuff they say about her..wink 

Bill did a show at crossroads and I was there. I got to meet him and see his set & six others. All were good, but damn the audience was horribly uptight. 

They had cheat day at Newridge Inn for the game. Bill talks about why Jet fans are delusionized. Bill does a great Woodson impression but Im thinking his thoats gotta hurt. Then there was some hockey talk but the Knicks are on and Im screaming at the TV.

Anthony is addicted to another show...Catfish on Mtv. Its gotta be better than those Kardashians. 

The Native Aliens Tribe sent more music. Listen to "Identify" but you have to wait because Anthony fucked it up. Send your music into their show with a blurb about yourself and it may get played. 

One of my Faves Chris Roach calls the show for a ghetto interview on a speakerphone and hes perfectly disgusting for a part on Dr. Oz. Chris packs PBA cards. Lots of them. Hes also very creepy on speakerphone. He did newspaper dating. He has rules so he didnt get attached to trolls. He will come in to the podcast for real but wants sandwhiches from Finns. 

Anthony thinks hes going to be single forever. Nothing wrong with that. Be a spinster. Aim low...

Believe in yourself Anthony...Seriously. 

Here is my message for next week since you are being all spiritual and shit..."Fight for your happiness." 

Ending on a positive note with Anthonys Mom. So funny. I cant stop laughing when I hear his mothers Mash Up. 

Follow the @Bamicle on twitter. (That's Bill!) Don't change your twitter name Bill, its cool. Leave it alone. 

Follow Anthony @anthonycomicd

Friday and Saturday night this week Anthony will be at Mcguires Comedy Club in Bohemia. Maybe I'll show up with some friends for a look see. Ill do anything not to Christmas shop or decorate the house. 

For more info on Anthony visit his website www.anthonydidomenico.webs.com

facebook.com/organizedchaosradio

organizedchaosradio@gmail.com 

@organizedradiogaga send questions for the guys

Like my fanpage at facebook.com/thefuntasian 

Follow me on twitter @funtasian

See you on the Flip Side!

 

 

 

Meanwhile in the Philippines...

I was days away from returning to the states. No more walking the turkey or watching the chickens run around with no head. Yes that really happens.  I wondered if the Caribou would remember me and my conversations with them. If water buffalo could talk...My daily avoidance of the buffalo shit oven was ending. Coming to a theater near you, "The Dunger Games".  I would miss the toothless candy lady in the woods with that certain glaze over her eyes. I now know that look...it's called crackhead. What would become of my new piglet friends & their fat mama? Bacon & Chicharone

I would not miss the snakes falling out of the trees into my lap or walking under the hot blazing sun to school. Impromtu wakes disguised as parties would never happen to me again. If they do I will be prepared with Loves Baby Soft in my purse and Vicks Vapor Rub under my nose.

How bittersweet that I will not be chased down by a broom ever again. At least not by my Lola. Unfortunately, this also meant I would never see her again in person. Would I miss being dragged to church with my Lola and Aunts everyday? Nope. One day a week was hard enough with my own mother. I would miss the popcorn she bought to shut me up before church and telling me not to chew so loud during. She raised 13 children from a very young age. I dont know what amazes me more. The fact that she gave birth 13 times or that she was quicker than a ninja witch with a broom on Halloween. 

I couldn't wait to never sleep in a mosquito net ever again. I would definitely NOT miss the bugs the size of my palms or the alleged bug bite on my inner thigh. When I say alleged its because I had a spot on my leg and it hurt. It was the tiniest of cuts that turned into a bump. My mother said it was a bug bite. Yea my big fat filipino ass it was a bug bite. Of course at age 5 I believed what she said and went on my merry way back to the piggery where I introduced more germs to my bug bite. This "bug" bite continued to grow & grow & grow. Techinically speaking if we are to get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Yes it was a bug bite. The microscopic bacteria kind of bug. You know the kind. It grows a giant boil and eats your flesh kinda bug. If you would like a visual, it was on my upper inner thigh. By the time it was full grown, it looked like a scrotum sack hanging right next to my crotch and it fuckin hurt. I swore it had a pulse and was my long lost twin. I was taken to the doctor who told me it was a bad infection/boil. Ok thats great. Um get rid of it! "Noooo", said the doctor. The body will take care of it. You, Dr. Crackerjack are an asshole. 

I had no idea what to expect from the boil disguised as a throbbing nut sack on my leg. It was in the crease so I was quite uncomfortable. Try to imagine having a newly grown sexual organ hanging off your inner thigh that you liked holding onto and playing with. Now imagine it EXPLODES. Literally. Every where. I heard it pop. I screamed for my daddy. He came running of course only to open the door & see me covered in blood from my crotch to my feet.  To him, I was a five year old version of Carrie or going through the youngest menstrual cycle known to man because within 2 seconds he screamed for my mother. While the wait for them was only seconds, I was able to shove cotton balls where the buckets of blood and puss were seeping out. The blood was never ending. That's because it was the black hole of boils.  The alleged bug bite turned boil ate a hole deep into my leg. And that my friends is where my fourth hole originated. 

I was so young when the boil exploded so I have always had the hole and scar on my leg. This led to many question from people who got a look at it. Of course my answers ranged from. Oh its just a dimple, to thats where my twin was removed, to bloody stump, to impaled on a coconut tree, to of course...my mini vagina. 

When I look back at my five year old self, I wonder where the hell did she get her tenacity from. I had to embrace it or run like hell to the nearest rice patty. Let the Dunger Games begin. (thanks Brad)

See you soon on Inside Flip Side... "Coming Home"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you thankful everyday or do you only give thanks right before Thanksgiving? I, myself give thanks everyday and it usually goes like this... Thank god I am NOT pregnant. 

The last few days I was thankful for my curves & my vagina but there is so much more I am thankful for. Here is my list...

My sex toy because duh, everybody should have one or five. Everybody.

My kids so I can subcontract chores. They gotta be good for something.

My stiletto heels that make my short legs look hot when my feet are firmly planted on the ground and even hotter when they are up in the air. Wink.

Sex. Like who is not thankful for that? When you are married as long as I am it is hard to come by. Game over. So when you can get it, you better damn well be thankful for it. 

My boobs. Im almost 41 and they still stand up on their own & they're mine. nuff said

Being half asian. I didn't get these cheek bones from the round eye side. 

My mom & dad who without a doubt are there for me 24/7 and also have given me so much material to blog about that I will never run out of words. This includes my brother Ben too. I love you. (weak moment)

My dogs for shitting in the foyer and making me get up earlier than I have to.

The hall monitor who in tenth grade said to me, "You are going to have an hourglass figure with that little waist & the boys are going to love it"  I laughed at her, but man she was a smart cookie

Tampax Ultra formally the Vortex. They finally make a tampon that can handle the civil unrest in my uterus only to discontinue it everywhere and finding it is like seeing a fuckin unicorn in the middle of Walmart. 

Rainbow cookies. Just because they are pretty and they are my favorite cookie ever. 

For every person in my life that has ever made me laugh. I find humor in all that I come across and it really gets me thru anything. Except childbirth, there was nothing funny about an 8lb parasite coming out of my vagina. ;)

My husband because I am crazy and well, YOU married me. 

Jello shots, Pop Shots & Reddi Whip. Yum

Coochie Cream ;) For those of you who have no idea what it is. It makes the hair on your body grow back slower after you shave. AMAZABALLS

My Fama-ly because having 9000 asian relatives just isnt enough. Worse than rabbits

The Kraken for making my mornings as frustrating as they are hilarious.

Madzilla because we laugh til we cry 

Most importantly I would like to thank YOU; my supporters, my fans & my friends. Thank you for coming back everyday and supporting my blog & my sick, twisted, sarcastic humor. You make it fun and you make me laugh which for me is the most gratifying aspect about being the Funtasian. Besides my cartoon self being so hot. 

My friends old and new. You know who you are. You hold me up & pick me up, you let me sleep anywhere I want (like you have a choice), you train me, you push me, you drive me nuts, you share your panties, you crack me up, you let me poison you, you got me to vote, you look for Ben & Jerrys Cream Filled Whore & you feed me to name a few, but most importantly...You let me be ME. A complete & utter looney bin. I love you from the bottom of my icy cold heart. 

So give thanks to your bits, your toys, your friends, your food, your loved ones & my blog. You're welcome. ;) 

Happy Thanksgiving Tasians! See you on the Flip Side...MWAHHHHHH

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I decided to start a blog, my daughter Maddie gasped. Said that old people don't write blogs. I am NOT old. She said she would never read my blogs unless I wrote about how awesome she is.

So here we go...

My inquisitive child recently asked me what it was like find out I was pregnant with her. Do I lie and say it was the happiest day of my life? It was not, but it was a day that changed my life forever. I was completely shocked. I cried and cried and cried.  I was young just two days shy of my 23rd birthday and not married. Bad girl. I was not ready. She asked me what I was thinking. My life was over. I told her I went over my choices in my head. She looked at me like, what do you mean you thought about your choices?? We all have choices. It is our right. It is my body. I told her that when I was asked what I wanted to do, I told her the only thing I could and said I was having you. She was shocked by the fact that we thought about it. She said, "Obviously you made the right choice to have an amazing child." This was true and amazing is an understatement.

I have never been one to sugar coat anything. You will never hear me say how wonderful pregnancy is or how much i enjoyed having a child growing inside of me. Being pregnant sucked but I will have a seperate blog about that.

Dear Madeline,

You came to us November 9th at 4:31 pm. I think. One of you was born at this time. Sucked out by a Dyson and you were blue, purple even with the cord wrapped around your neck not breathing. I yelled to make you scream. You were born a procrastinator. You still are...just like me.

Yep, You were beautiful. Just as I had predicted. Big violet-blue eyes that you got from your Daddy. A full head of light brown hair. Grandma thought you looked filipino. Delusional. You were long and not chubby as I had imagined. Then I saw them...Holy Mother of God. Your feet were HUGE and so were your hands. The nurses laughed at you. You held your own bottle at two days old. You were extraordinary, but you didn't like to sleep. What a pain in my ass.

You were easy to raise. I never spoke to you like you were a baby. I always told it like it was with you no matter what your age and I always will. I am not sure why I never babied you, but I hope it doesnt backfire on me. So you called me a bitch at age 3. You are so much like me. Your wit and sarcasm is spot on and I enjoy our daily banter even though sometimes I want to punch you in the uterus.

I love laughing with you and even more so, I love laughing at you. Can't help it, I am mean like that.

As my first born, I wanted to put you in every sport or activity I could. You didn't care for anything really until I put you on a horse for the first time and you were a natural. That's my little panker...

You were such a great little equestrian. A champion really. Our champion. Nobody could touch you in that ring when you brought your A game which was 99 percent of the time. The day we gave you and Sydney your pony Stella was one of the greatest moments of my life. You cried with excitement and happiness. Sydney of course screamed at the top of her lungs with jealousy wanting to know where her pony was. It was hilarious. I am sorry you lost her. She was your best friend and I know her death changed you.

I am so proud of your accomplishments. You had the ability to go into a ring and take it all. You're an artist and a good one. A gift from your father of course. You didn't get that shit from me.

I always had a camera in your face and you were always prepared with a smile. You were and still are very photogenic. I am not saying this because I am your mother and feel obligated to tell you how beautiful you are. You really are. You never look bad. Ok there was that one year when you were very sick.  You could go to the barn with your hair up in a ratty bun and still look gorgeous. Lucky bitch. You have grown up to be a lovely young lady. Im so proud of who you have become. Except the lazy never cleaning your room, hate to do chores, huff and puffing part. You gotta work on that.

Lets talk about your feet. They are no joke. Gigantic. They are why we call you Madzilla. You would trample over everything with your giant pods. Your hands are alien like. Somebody will be shocked when they get a huge bitch slap from you.

In a little less than a year you will go off to college. School Sucks. I am so happy you are taking your core classes at home before you go off to become a large animal vet. I dont think I could ever handle you going away so soon even though I'll have had 18 years with you. You're my daughter and it will never be enough time.

Dont worry there will be more blogs about you and your awesomeness. I am holding out for the good stuff. This was just a special one. Happy Birthday to my spawn of satan. You are without a doubt Awesome, but even more so, you are the heart that beats outside of my body. I chose wisely...

 Love,

Your old, immature & childish mother...

Enjoy some older pics of us. See you on the Flip Side ;)