Inside the Flip Side...Day 1 Disc 1 of Insanity with Turner & Hef

A little over a year ago my friends Kelley & Errrr turned me on to the Insanity workout. What good friends they are. Kell would honk in the driveway, call every number she had on me and even drag me out of bed kicking and screaming all the way to Errs house to work out. I did it. I got fit and I looked good. In between workouts with Kell & Err, there were the track runs, the bleacher runs, the push ups and the sit ups with Turner & Hef. Then some fucked up disease from 1920 hit my left lung during Hurricane Sandy. Its called pleurisy and that nice fit body I had went to shit. I want it back. NOW...

3 Months later and healthy again, I'm ready to work out full force. I thought what a better way than to jump right back into Insanity. I should stop thinking immediately or only think of cake.

Last night was our first night back to the grind. It went something like this....

3 minutes into the warm up this was me...Uhhhh Does anyone else want to die? Their answers were yes. I had to turn the heat off in the house, open the windows that were right in front of us & turn the fan on high

I live for the 30 second water breaks. I curse every five seconds. I read that cursing cuts pain in half by fifty percent. Although I would love to believe this and continued to curse through out the workout, I know this to be a big fat lie. I cursed during both births of my children. It didnt do shit for the pain I felt while my twat let out an 8 pounder.

I think all I kept saying was OH MY GOD FUCK MY FACE over and over. Turner and Hef were dying just as much as me. We crawled across the floor. We laid there cooling our bodies on the hard wood. Hef suggested we go make snow angels in the front yard. I was so hot, I wanted to go out there and make snow angels naked. I would've too.

This workout is not easy. I know this because when I watch the dvds eating a bowl of chips and dip it gives me great joy to see the people in the video fall down and struggle to do a push up. I want to see real people do Insanity. People who fall down because they cant breath. I want to see fat bitches. Who can just get down and do man push ups on the first try. A year ago I couldn't do shit. Do you remember the Fembots? I believe thats who are in this video.

I want to know how these people move so fast. It cant be humanly possible. These people are not normal. I want to throw Sean T off a cliff. I hate Sean T and his arachnid looking abs. Maybe I want to touch them a little bit.

As I sit here writing this, every muscle in back and shoulders are sore from last nights workout. During the pushups Hef disappeared. I think she was in the kitchen doing her push ups against the counter while dry heaving into the sink. We all wanted to vomit.

Turner laid on the couch and Hef chased me around the dining room table trying to take my phone away while Anthony Didomenico was texting me about all the countries the podcast I was on hit. I felt this was more important than butt kicks & high kicks. Hef put my phone up high and I could not reach it on my own til she gave it back at the end. That bitch

Even though we cursed at each other for most of the forty minutes we continued to urge each other on which is what you need if you decide to torture yourself with a 40 minute nazi workout. God help us, this was only disk one

As you may have guessed I will be chronicling (is that even a word) our sessions with video clips and stills like I do with the Kraken Kronicles.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Insanity workout synopsis. I took video and Hef found out. She threatened to find me and kill me if it posts anywhere. There is your evidence if I wind up at the bottom of Yaphank Lake. Hef did it...