The Funtasian

Before my mother hoarded Fama's in our home, most of them lived in the Philippines and I guess dragging your family around the globe to visit her people was a must do.

It was going to be my second trip back "home" as my mother referred to it. I deemed my her crazy because my home was in Yaphank.  I was not going anywhere especially that shit hole (yea yea, I know. There's plenty of beautiful places there, but I have never seen them so they can't possibly exist) and if i was, I was going to make it very very difficult. Never underestimate a five year old half breed who doesn't want to leave her kindergarten crush at Christmas to live in a shanty on the side of a river with a pig farm AND go to catholic school. Oh and even worse, I was forced to go to church every damn day. They sold colorful popcorn at church. I refused to step inside without the popcorn. This pissed off the natives. I received a lot of slanty side eyes. Whatever, I chew loudly.

First attempt at sabotaging the trip back home...the PASSPORT PHOTO. I wiggled and fidgeted. I kicked my feet around. I wouldn't look at the camera. I played with my pig tails. Then the good news came. The pictures couldnt be used!! With good news comes bad news. They used my baby picture from the first trip back "home". FUCKERS

Hmmm I must try again..."They will never get the small pox vaccine in me".  No vaccine, no Phillippines. I keep forgetting I'm only five and little. Little with ninja like skills. Two parents, a nurse's assistant, Nurse Ratchet and the Filipino Pediatrician(Well played Mom, getting one of your own) held me down on a chair while I screamed til my eyes swelled shut and they put the horrible burning blue poison small pox vaccination on my back so I couldn't reach it. When they were done, I hopped up and said with a smirk, "That didnt hurt at all".   I think the broken blood vessels all over my face was enough to stave off a beating when I got home. Someone should have warned me that the vaccination area would swell, itch & scab so badly I would take my shirt off constantly and show everyone my big nasty scab. Well, not much has changed in 35 years except I dont need a vaccination to remove my top at any given time.

I was five and fresh out of ideas. Guess I was headed to Shanty Town. My brother Ben was just a baby when we went to see the Fama-ly again. Ben was named after my mothers father so we needed to bring the second Half Breed Fama back "home". So its Prince Benjamins fault...he will pay for this.

The plane ride was long and I was not happy to be in a giant tin can 30,000 feet in the sky built by the lowest bidder. What's a girl to do? SCREAM...LOUDLY til we landed in Japan. My dad bought me markers & origami paper to shut me up. Stupid, Stupid man. Now I can pass my "HELP! I have been kidnapped from Yaphank" note onto a Round Eye. OK one little problem. I was 5 and couldn't spell words like kidnapped or Yaphank and the only Round Eye on the plane was my dad. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

After what seemed like 17 days on a plane we landed. There were no terminals, you are just dumped out onto the hot tarmac. This didnt surprise me at all. It was 5000 degrees, I was in HELL and I was never getting back to Yaphank (the lesser of two evils).

Tomorrows Installment of Inside the FLIP side..."Daddy why dont they name their dogs here?" , I didn't kill the chickens, I am NOT going back to that school. See you on the Flip Side ;)

Of course my darling little Asian Mommy was kidding when she blurted this out to the entire cafeteria, but they all believed her. Why wouldnt they, she was the lunch lady. The keeper of extra tater tots, ice cream cups and free chocolate milk. Did I mention my mom also put me in band camp every year? I didnt get frisky with a flute though, no girth.

I didn't look like my parents. I was the whitest of half breeds with dark curly cowlicked hair. My skin was milky, my big eyes green & almond shaped.  My nose little & not spread like my moms or huge like my dads. My lips were tiny but my cheek bones were high & my face flat. My DNA was clearly fucking with me. From the neck up my body was confused on what country it was from. People said I would be so pretty once I grew into my features.  Really?? I mean how bad could it get? My mom was the Filipino lunch lady that told people I wasn't hers and sent me to band camp. I used to say when I was born that I was only smacked in the face once with a shovel.

My eyes were slanty enough to be made fun of, but the unibrow that swept across my face was furry enough that I might have been something worse; a Panker. Having my mother as the lunch lady confirmed everyones suspicions. Yup, that kid is a chink, so every exchange student of Asian descent that entered school was going to be sat next to me so they didnt feel out of place. It didnt matter that I didnt speak Korean, Chinese or Japanese because I was supposed to magically understand what the full breeds were saying in their native tongues. Dudes, I was racially profiled in elementary school!

While everyone in the cafeteria had cool food in their Star Wars lunch boxes, in my very boring, uncool, plastic Tupperware lunch carrier were things like rice, corned beef and potatoes, but believe me when I say it was NOT the Irish kind. I was often asked what I was eating with a snicker, so my reply was always dog food. That kinda back fired because now I was the half breed, adopted daughter of the Filipino lunch lady who was sent to band camp and ate dog food. Got Alpo?

Stay tuned...tomorrow we are leaving on a jet plane to a land far far away. See you on the Flip side ;)