The Funtasian

There wasn't much to do as far as fun during my stay in the land of rice patties & mosquitos. I was pretty much screwed during the day going to school. Til the stuck up nuns kicked my American ass to the curb. I dont remember how many days I was actually in school before I got the boot. Probably soon after I told the other half breed in the class that she was crazy for being in the Philippines when she was half American and should plan her escape to the states. I asked her "Why are you still here?  This place is disgusting!  You must get out while you still can!" I was sure she was brainwashed.  She told on me.  I should've carried the broom with me, just handed it off and bent over for my daily broom beatings.

I had never seen people use umbrellas when it wasn't raining out. My aunt who brought me to school everyday, often whipped one out and walked every where that way.  I thought she was crazy. Then again, I thought they were ALL crazy.   I refused to walk underneath.  The sky was not falling.  I wondered if everyone else thought she was crazy too because it was not raining. What did I know?

At night the men would gather by the pig sty for their night caps.  They didn't always know I was there.  I covered myself in mud so I  wouldnt get bit by the giant size skeeters and even better they couldn't see me.  I was the original Arnold Schwarzenegger from Predator except I was covered in pig shit mud hiding from my Grandmother. When the broom wielders weren't around, I would grab a chair and hang out with them. For no other reason than I was scared of what was lurking in the house full of Famas and what they would try and feed me off their dung ovens.  I should have been more frightened about what was lurking just above my head outside.

Everyone was an Uncle or a Kuya(elder boy relative).  I couldn't keep up with their names. There were too many of them and they seemed to multiply daily.  They all looked alike.  When they sat outside one always had a long stick. I thought he had a limp or something, but that wasn't what it was for. There I was caked in mud hanging with my little piglet friends when he would wack the trees. I would hear things land. Coconuts, I thought.  I really didnt know what was landing or where. I didnt really care til one landed right next to me. A BIG ASS MOTHER FUCKIN SNAKE!

I screamed and scared the drunks out of their chairs and was told NOT TO MOVE...yea ok buddy.

What five year old listens?? Not this one. I threw a sacrifice at the snake, a piglet and ran right into my Kuya who lifted me off the ground, shook me and said, "Be careful Jeannie, it rains & pours snakes here and they are poisonous!"

Rains & pours snakes?  Somebody give me a freakin umbrella...NOW!

Have you ever fought off a broom with an umbrella while you are covered in mud with a piglet in your arms?   No?   I have...teehee

See you soon on "Inside the FLIP Side" ;)