Day 1 of Waking the Kracken. Freshman Year...
Lets start by backing up to last night when I got home. I took pre-emptive measures by going to Target and buying 3 different flavors of Pop Tarts. Chocolate Peanut Butter, Nutty Butter & RED VELVET. I also bought her a few notebooks. High school doesn't give a what you need list prior like all the other grades. This is fine with me as Targets back to school aisles looked worse than a Syrian bombing.
Now the Kracken has to be woken at 5:15 a.m.. It is ten pm and shes still hangin on the pc, still not showered. She has no idea what she is going to wear, back pack is not packed, she doesn't know where her forms are or what bus number she is on. This is not a 9th grader that I am dealing with. More like a 2nd grader. I know, I created her.
After her shower she tells me she wants to wear shorts on the first day but she needs to use Veet on her legs. Its 10:15, I say, can't you wear pants?? NOPE...
She tells me she wants to do it herself and she will read the directions. I go over it with her anyway and I am explicit in saying NO MORE than 3 to 6 minutes. She wont let me show her how to do it. Fine...I am out of here.
While I am waiting for her to get done veeting her wolverine legs I notice a weird smell coming at me. I know this smell. Its when the hair removal cream is left for too long and you are melting the first 3 layers of skin off. I yell to the Kracken, "What are you doing in there, its been a half hour!". Her response is, "I'm fine". Bullshit.
At this point it is almost 11pm so I go in the bathroom. How she was still able to breath is beyond me because I needed a hazmat mask. She was clearly upset that she used Veet three times but her legs still had hair on them. THREE times!! No wonder the house smelled like a crematory. I grabbed the Intuition razor and shaved the fur patches off my little hell monster. It seemed grateful.
11:15pm...The Kracken goes to bed. Notice I didn't say goes to sleep...
1:15am...I go to bed
I am startled by the fire alarm going off and I fall out of bed. Nobody else seems bothered by it and within seconds the alarm stops. Still I run around the house looking for a fire. It still smelled like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant and melted a Nazis face off.
By 3am and with only 2 hours left before I have to wake the Kracken the fire alarm has now been going off every five minutes. I keep getting up and still find nothing. The husband tells me they have to be disconnected. And how the fuck do I do that?
I go room to room climbing on a stool rippping wires out of the smoke alarms. I realized I forgot the Krackens room and at 3:30 I go in her cavern. I try to be stealth because I assume she is sleeping when I hear her muffled voice say, "I haven't even slept yet". The only reply I could muster was, "Oh honey, you are fuckin screwed...please please please try and sleep"
With the alarms now disconnected I head back to my bedroom and think to myself. Geesh the smell of burning flesh now has a faint smell of dog shit. I run around the house looking for a pile of doggie dung. I dont find anything but I smell it. I am so tired that I think it is still the veet and chemically burned flesh from the Krackens hairy legs.
5:15am and the alarm sounds
Ugh. I just want to hit snooze fifty times. I have only slept for about an hour and a half. I am going with the Kracken hasn't slept more than that either. I stumble into the kitchen and grab Red Velvet pop tarts and use the wall as my guide back to her room with one eye open.
In my delusional mind, she has grown out of Mommy having to wake her and she will be up and dressed when I open her door. Nope, she was out cold.
Attempt #1 (there is video that will be posted eventually)
Me: Wakey wakey eggs & bakey
Me: Here is your breakfast <tosses a package of Pop Tarts> So I lied about the bakey
I continue to say her name & then there is movement. Holy shit, she is getting up... That was wayyyy too easy
Her slight movement was just a ploy. I know this game but at this point we are both completely exhausted. I am laying in my bed facing her room calling her name over and over for the next 45 minutes because having to get up again to grab my sword and shield is too much this morning.
It is getting angry with me. I can tell this by the short answers I am getting. Every single reply from her was "K". How ironic. K is for Kracken. K is also for Mom, shut the fuck up I am moving. K is also for if I had a knife I would stab you.
It is now 6am and she has ten minutes to get out the door. I force it to take a picture AND smile. It complies after breathing fire at me so I told her to brush her teeth.
After much rushing her around and the chomping of the Pop Tarts, the Kracken is out the door heading to her first day of High School. As she leaves she says, "I smell something." I am too tired to sniff so I head back to bed.
Fast forward 11:00am
Madzilla: (in my ear) MOM...MOM...MOM...Its 11am, I know you can hear me. I know that you are awake.
Me: (in my brain somewhere) What does she think I am? The Matrix? Shut the fuck up. Go away child. Don't you have class? Get away from me you horrible person. Geesh, what's that smell?
Madzilla: I FOUND POOP & I AM NOT CLEANING IT UP
Me: I HATE YOU.
Leo had diarrhea under seans workout equipment. He also peed all over the foyer sometime in the middle of the night & I slipped in it as I am trying to leave for work. eff my face right now...
Me: Hey how was your first day of school?
Me: Do NOT take a nap. You are not allowed to sleep til later.
It hates me.
I go in her room to see if she is sleeping & she is not. I tell her to go to sleep.
Kracken: What do you think I was trying to do before you walked in?
Me: I don't know. Plan my untimely death?
Tomorrow, I think I will let her father handle her in the morning...but then we might not find his body...wink wink.
Stay tuned for day 2 of the Kracken Kronicles: Her Freshman year. Which as of right now is happening in 3 hours.
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