Inside the Flipside - It's a Dog Eat, Dog World

I was so excited to come home even with the nasty infection in my leg. I was from Yaphank.  Generations of my family before me were from this town. Everything was going to go back to normal. dont just go away to the Philippines and come back to Yaphank "normal" without some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. Traumatized was an understatement.  I was changed forever.

The first thing I saw when I ran back into my Grandpas home was a big black dog on the floor of the kitchen and my grandpa sitting at the table. Naturally, I looked at my mother and said, "Don't eat him!"  He was the most beautiful dog I had ever seen. His name was Bones. Ironic for the biggest Newfoundland Collie mix I had ever seen. He would be my very best friend for the next 7 years. I can't lie, I worried for his life with a full breed in the house...

We lived in the upstairs of my Grandfathers house. Prince Ben slept with my mom of course a lot, but during his screaming fits of seperation anxiety during the day, they threw his chunky, I want my mommy 24/7 ass in my room. Have I mentioned how when he was born, I was sent away for a week? Not bitter at all...

I did all I could to shut the little prince up. I sang him songs of my people like...Mommy had a little dog, little dog, little dog, Mommy had a little dog...til she ate it. Ben did NOT like my songs...go figure?

I came home speaking fluent tagalog. I was now bilingual. This would be a problem when I went back to my elementary school after being gone. The teacher was not a fan or impressed of my multi - cultural ways. She sent home letters to my mother on how I couldn't speak english. She sent me to the school speech therapist who laughed when she asked me to look at pictures and say what they were because the teacher was wrong. Worst of all she called me names to the other kids & even egged them on when they teased me. I can hear you.  I certainly showed her when I was able to read before anyone else. She mocked me in front of the whole class and said I couldn't do it. Well...if there is one thing about me everyone should know is that if you tell me I can't, I will go out of my way to show you I can. Her only reply to me reading in front of the class was, "Wow, I guess you really can read". No shit. Never underestimate the brain power of an Asian no matter the percentage.

I loved being home. White Grandpa made me coffee everyday on the sly & snuck me peanut butter cups. He always told me I was full of bolognie with all my stories of the Philippines. I had a new dog, the muppets were on tv & of course I had little brother to torture. It wasn't without its faults. My Grandpa rented his back rooms to stinkers. I have never smelled an odor this bad in my life. It smelled like the Brookhaven Landfill or a dead animal.

Bones would sneak upstairs to be with me at night. Hopping the gate and sleeping on my floor especially during storms. I warned Bones that he could be dinner if he wasn't careful especially since he was so hefty. Whenever she caught him under my bed she would scream holy bloody murder at him to get out. I thought she was scared she would eat him too so she refused to get attached. Had he been a turkey on leash, it would be a whole 'nother story. Nom Nom Nom...

My mom would walk to the deli and post office everyday. I always went along since it was right around the corner. The dog would come too, sneaking away from gramps and taking a short cut through the lake to beat us there. I spent my time at the deli crawling on the floor looking for change under the counter so I could buy Cracker Jacks. All I needed was a quarter. Man food was expensive when you didn't kill it yourself.

I learned very early on how mean people could be about race. I knew I was different & so did everyone else in town. They whispered about my mother and I didn't like it. Five year olds have the attention span of a gnat, but we are not deaf. At least in the Philippines being half white wasn't held against me as much as being half Asian in an all white town called Yaphank. Hide yo dogs, hide yo cats...we were here to stay Pankers. MUAHAHAHAAA....

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See you next time on Inside the Flipside spotlighting some of my favorite things. Thanks for stopping by!



"Inside the Flip Side...Getting the Flip out"

AHHHH the day has finally arrived. I am leaving on a jet plane and I am never ever ever coming back again. Ever. Yes, that was a little bit of John Denver/T Swift right there.

Everybody was crying. There were so many tears. What a bunch of pussies. Just stop...90% of you will be living in my house in no time. The other 10% percent...well there will be blogs for that. Wish I could've seen into the future of all the relatives who were coming to live with us. My house became the gateway to America, land of the free, home of the where the white people at?

Mine of course were tears of joy. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Yea buh bye...

You can keep your dung ovens, balut, water buffalo, brooms, foods that squirmed, the weird bathrooms, nuns, church, crazy people, dead bodies, edible lizards, snakes and whatever else that drove me crazy...and with that said, they couldn't understand WHY I wanted to come home so bad! 

It was a long journey back to the states. I was extremely squirmy on the plane and couldn't sit still as any child. Could've been my excitement or that fact that a 23 hour journey on a giant tin can built by the lowest bidder is hard for a five year old. There was a little old lady who kept letting me sit on her lap. By little and old, I mean probably 30 & 4 feet tall. I kept telling her I was going home to eat Wonder Bread & bologne with my white Grandpa.

I don't remember my brother being on the flight. I think maybe they finally put his whiney ass in a cat crate in the baggage hold. Thats my best case scenario and all I've got on him right now. Meow...

Unfortunately when you travel in the winter there are snow storms that re-direct your flight. Sometimes you get to go to a nice place and other this wasn't a nice place. It was fucking DETROIT. This was the great blizzard of 1978 dumping two feet of snow in Michigan and forcing us to land there instead of JFK. Why not some place fancy like Paris?

We were hardly prepared for coming home to a blizzard even though it was winter. My dad was trudging through the snow in shorts. Ben & I wore my dads tube socks on our legs. Not ghetto at all, but this is Detroit. We had to stay overnight in a hotel for the night. We took a shady taxi. Thank god my dad relatively knew the area because there was some sketchy business going on in the wrong side of  the 8 mile that night. The cab driver started to take a different route and the lady sharing the cab with us was putting all her valuables into her boots. Sketchy...very, very sketchy. My dad forced him to turn down some road which was better than the dark alley we would've all been left to die in. Afterall, Detroits nickname is Murder Town.  Probably the only moment in my life, I wanted to be back in the rice patty with buffalo dung in my hands, a shrimp head in my mouth & leeches on my legs. Swear...

This wasn't the only scary thing to happen in Detroit. My mom lost me in the airport. Could you imagine? I was only five and my mother whos holding Ben for her dear life loses me. I don't know where my dad was. There were glass partitions everywhere along with escalators. I got trapped and off she went. I was scared fuckin shit. There was a couple that took my hand and asked me if I was lost. No lady, normally five year olds in nothing but a tank top and tube socks wandering the Detroit airport know exactly where they are. They wanted to bring me to lost & found or sell me to thieves. Then just when I thought I would never see my mother again, there she was at the top of the escalator looking for me. I offered them my brother but they declined. ;)

There was a wonderful surprise waiting at home when we got back laying on the kitchen floor. My grandpa got a dog!! He was a big black newfoundland collie mix named Bones & he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen. I thought what a strange name for such a large animal. I turned to my mom and said, "You hear that? His name is Bones, he has no meat, you can not eat this dog!" I hugged my Grandpa and whispered to him to keep a close eye on mother because I had seen things and I was worried for the new addition to the family. Then off to bed I went. I was Yaphank and it felt good. Well, until I had to go back to school and felt like a foreigner once again.

See you next time on Inside the Flip Side...

Inside the Flip Side...Happy Birthday Mom! This blogs for you!

So where do I start? Mom you are truly a saint and probably the only one in the entire family going to heaven. Seriously.

Thank you for all that you've taught me. Things like at the age of five that the street sign that reads "No Outlet" means no sidewalks. I believed you until I was 22 years old and made a fool. But really have you ever seen sidewalks where there are no outlet signs? I havent and I bet all of you will look now. 

You also taught me that frozen eggrolls never expire. Even when the shanghai paper looks like it wrapped a mummy from 3000 BC. Those little lumpias still taste delicious. This goes for all frozen meat in the extra filipino freezer downstairs in the scary haunted basement. 

Thank you for making spaghetti with red sauce on the day I got my first period and announcing it to everyone at the dinner table. Dad you freakin laughed. You're so lucky I didn't know what balls were yet. The expression on my little brothers face was amazing. I was hoping he would vomit but it didnt happen. One more thing about my didnt teach me how to put the pad on and I was sticking them to my vag for a week before I realized I was doing it wrong. Also, I didnt think I was supposed to be giving myself a brazilian with my ginormous Kotex Maxi Pad was kind of a hint. 

When it comes to food though Mom, you really know how to do it. I mean who can take a few things out of the fridge and make a ten course meal. You may get botulism so be careful. Also stay away from the mystery pot. Especially if you see eyeballs or even a tail. An ox tail that is. 

Thank you for letting me suck the icing from the icing tube everytime you decorated a birthday cake. What great practice I was getting...I see what you did there mom...

Thank you for never warning me when you made the dreaded tripe soup. I have never smelled anything so disgusting in my life and I would rather eat the buffalo dung. Normal people do not boil tripe.

Thank you for always buying the frosted CHERRY Pop Tarts. They were Prince Ben's favorite, not mine. I am NOT bitter. NOT AT ALL.

Thank you for always threatening to eat my pets. Where did all the cats go?? Oh yea they were shot...You know who you are & I know you are reading this ;)

Thank you for not letting me look in the mirror when the dog mauled my face off on the way to the hospital. I probably would have died. 

Thank you for teaching me tagalog at such a young age. Sorry nothing really stuck except "Ben ay may bantot puwit" Ben has a stinky ass. ehh close enough. 

Thank you for always being a wonderful grandmother to my daughters even though Madeline swears she is your favorite...hmmm

Thank you for always wearing so much jewelry that Mr.T didnt have shit on you. I hate jewelry. You have saved Sean a lot of money.

Although I dont really look like you, thank you for the slant in my eyes and the height in my cheek bones and the smoothness in my skin. I hope I look as good as you at age 60 but since I am half white that will never happen. Lucky beotch.

Thank you for raising me Asian and making sure I didn't feel different. Even though everyone else saw us that way. You made sure I felt like me. 

Thank you for making me walk everyday to the deli and post office with you. I would probably be a fat obese kid had I not. Maybe I should start that up again. 

Sometimes, I can't understand a freakin word you are saying but thats Ok, the only words I want to hear are, "Honey I made you butterball cookies" & "I bought you clothes" & "I made you Grandmas muffins, don't tell Dad"

It couldn't have been easy raising a child like me. A smart ass, smart mouthed, stubborn, begrudged, spiteful, gorgeous girl hahaha, with a sick twisted mind thats always racing in circles like a freakin merry go round. You did good Ma...

Oh yea thank you for always making me tortas and corned beef & potatoes alpo style at my beckon call. Asian girl probs.  

I can go on and on but I will save the best stories for future blogs. hehehe

You are an inspiration and set a great example of what a wonderful mother and wife should be. You have raised the bar to a level I could never achieve. I could never be as patient as you are. Thanks dad. I lub you so pucking much Mama...

Stop fuckin cryin. 

Happy Birthday! Enjoy the pics...

"Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet, Dont Give Me Your Crappy Candy to Eat"

I have always loved Halloween. Its by far one of my favorite holidays. Simply because you go around collecting FREE sugar disguised as chocolate and Smarties. 

In the Philippines there was no trick or treating. (I can only imagine what they would give out. YUCK!) There was going to the grave yard and having picnics with your deceased loved ones. OOOOH the fun never stops there, but this blog isn't about the Flip side. Its about my disgust for useless Halloween candy. Yaphank is not the easiest place to go trick or treating. I grew up on a Service Rd to the Long Island Expressway. Houses were very far apart and there were not many. It was dangerous and you had to walk a miles for one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. 

The best part was coming home and emptying my pillow case loaded with treats. Ok the best part was dressing my brother up as a girl every halloween. 

Even to this day, I love emptying my little spawns of satans pillow cases on the floor to go thru. I mean steal from. There is always the good pile and the I wouldn't eat this shit pile if it was the last candy on earth. Of course the tootsie rolls get their own pile because there are so MANY. 

You know the candy I am talking about. Here is a list of the Halloween candy that should be banned.

Laffy Taffys - Disgusting, specifically the banana ones.

Flavored Tootsie Rolls - We get enough chocolate ones, just stop.

Mary Janes - I happen to love Mary Janes but they come wrapped in the wax paper. They tend to melt and leak all over the pillow case that you are hiding from your parents candy tax. 

Palmer Chocolates(AKA The Hersheys Imposter) - They suck at Easter, why would they be any better at Halloween. Stop being so cheap. 

Brachs Peppermints & Butterscotch(you've been saving these for a year) - By the time Halloween rolls around from last Christmas, they are melted and attached to the plastic. Useless. Cant even give them to my horse. 

Foil Wrapped Chocolate Coins- Its bad enough when you get real pennies in a ziplock but I want quiet money and until Hersheys makes foil wrapped coins, I dont want to see them in my pillow case.

Dum Dum Lollipops - One or two of these at the yearly well visit is a lot. 53 of them in my treat bag. No thanks

Pretzels - Um no, if I want free pretzels, I'll go to the bar, Unless you want to throw a beer in the bag, then I'm good

Now & Laters - They are much easier to unwrap these days but back then you couldnt get the wax paper off. One thing hasn't changed, they can still pull your fillings out and still taste like you're licking flavored wallpaper. 

Warheads - Simply said, candy should not punish your taste buds

Mad Dogs - Foam at the mouth gum balls should only be used as revenge candy against co-workers (yes I have)

Jelly Beans At least these arent as old as the left over christmas candy but they still suck the same 

Good & Plenty - I hate black licorice and these are black licorice disguised as pretty candies. I'm on to you. 

Hersheys Dark - Before it was posh to eat dark chocolate, these were thrown in the shit pile. Today, they are still in the shit pile

Spicy Gum Drops - Should only be used to decorate your gingerbread houses at Christmas. 

Chuckles - Same as above

Strawberry foil wrapped hard candy - I never had one that wasn't stale

Sixlets - More fake chocolate in a fake chocolate shell 

Circus peanuts - Really? Who eats this shit?

Sun Maid Raisins - Unless they are chocolate covered...NO!


I can go and on and on but its almost time to go trick or treating. Feel free to add to the load of crap given out at Halloween you don't want. What is one persons candy shit pile is another persons sugar addiction.

Happy Halloween to all! Stay safe and enjoy the large amounts of junk food you are collecting. Dont forget to "check" your childrens confectionary delights and swipe the good ones before they do. 

See you on the Flip side ;)






Peteww Peteww Peteww Ewww...Inside the FLIP Side

As I counted down the days of my return home to the states, my parents got increasingly irritated with me. Of course I was just as annoying and relentless back then as am I now. Probably more now. Definitely more now. I pounced my dad every morning with the magic number til we left. That was so much fun. He would get so mad, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home so badly.

Every night I told myself this was one less day that I had to spend chasing chickens who were "toys" during the day and dung oven sacrifices at night. I would leave behind the pet turkeys on leashes and the dogs with no names. yuckkkk! The toothless candy lady in the woods would probably go broke without my daily runs to her jungle bunk house. My uncles would have to go back to torturing each other instead of me since I would no longer be there. The mosquito net that strangled me every night in the cage I slept in would be no more. I wouldn't be caked in pig shit mud to hide from mosquitos and my relatives. The lizards, snakes and godzilla size cucaraches would not be running, slithering or crawling up my legs. I wouldn't have to worry about getting thrown in the river by a random Fama. You know who you are...

Going to church with my Lola everyday would be halted for ETERNITY. I mentioned in earlier blogs that I would only enter church if she bought me popcorn. I did enjoy chewing my popcorn rather loudly and for that I got wacked but thinking back, it was worth it. It wasn't that my Grandmother didn't love me. She just didn't know what to do with me. I guess beat me into submission with that damn broom would work for her. I wasn't afraid. My uncles should have never taught me that word....putanginamo....ooooh I said it again. How was I supposed to know I was either saying you are a son of a bitch or your mother is a slut whore. ooops. Real nice guys. Real nice. I love you Grandma broom and all, but your kids are freakin loco.

I wouldn't have to yell "WHAT??" 5000 times because I couldnt understand anybody or repeat myself constantly because they couldnt understand me either. I wouldn't shit my pants purple from eating ice cream I was lactose intolerant to. I was definitely NOT going to see another dead body for awhile or at least one that wasn't embalmed. Dudes, we got a stinker

My sweet uncles and cousins told me I was never going home. Jackasses. They said only my brother Ben was going to be allowed. The little Prince will pay. They told me I had to stay and climb coconut & banana trees for them. They even handed me a machete to wield around. Yes, I was five and I had a machete. They are so lucky I didn't feed Ben to the momma pig for saying that. Im pretty sure I wanted to at that point.

Another item on the list I would hope to never witness again in America...You know when they say, there are starving people in Africa, eat your food? Well apparently there are starving people in the Philippines. Want not, waste not was big in this family. Nothing was left to spare or left uneaten. NOTHING. I often heard this sound petewww petewww petewww. The sound of spitting. I never really paid much attention to it til I found out what they were shooting passed me with their forked tongues. Now, I myself have never eaten a chicken foot and never will, but my mom and her family LOVES that wrinkly old cocks nasty ass foot. After you have chewed the meat off its pod, what do you have left in your mouth?  Little chicken toe nails. Petew, petew, petew....ewwwwww.

My nightmare would be over soon or so I thought...

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side" and find out why I have a fourth hole

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Rose are Red, Violets are Blue, This Duck Egg Will Be the Death of You...

Even before I went to the Philippines, I was introduced to some of the worst foods on the planet. All you ever heard me say was...I am not eating that...or that...or that...

Filipino Spaghetti, Kare Kare, Diniguwan & Bagoong to name a few.  Don't worry I will define them in another blog. But I am warning you. You will wish I hadn't. 

There is no other food in the universe that I am more afraid of then the BALUT.

When I was little my mom always talked about the Balut. Be afraid. How much she loved it. Vomit. How it was the only food (if you can even call it that)  she could keep down while pregnant with me. Some things should be kept to yourself. How my dad had to chase the Balut cart down the streets of the Philippines. Where was the word NO in your vocab back then, Daddy?  How delicious it is. LIAR!!

It seems innocent enough. It's not. Sitting there in the fridge door amongst the other eggs. Traitor. You always knew though because the bright purple eggs (and it ain't Easter) were close by. I will not be fooled. 

For those of you who do not know what a "Balut" is, let me enlighten you. Gagging. It is in all intensive purposes an egg. feel sick. A duck egg to be exact. Donald & Daisy would be appalled. An incubated duck egg. Donald & Daisy just dropped dead. Dinners ready...

Whoever came up with an incubated duck egg as a meal should be shot. I couldn't get away from these undercover eggs. My fridge in Yaphank, the egg I supposedly killed on the pig farm. That was a BALUT.  It didn't incubate long enough. I killed a yolk. Partial duck abortion? Whoops. The Uncles were anggggry. Oh no, not the broom again.

Like I mentioned, this is an incubated duck egg. Whyyyyy? It's incubated anywhere from 17-21 days depending on your palate. I can't. To the regular human, it looks like a chicken egg sitting there undercover with the rest. Dont let it fool you. This is no regular egg. You cant fry it up. Sautee only. You SUCK it up. Puking in my mouth. Better get a toothpick.

I'd seen my mom suck one down many times when I was little. She was good about it. Never actually letting me see inside the egg. Until one day...

Imagine helping your mother make breakfast and she asks you to grab her some eggs and you drop them. Oops right? WRONG...Um Mom, there's dead birds on the floor...

When you crack open a Balut, this is what you see; a baby DUCK. Quack, quack? There are veins. Calling all phlebotomists. It has feathers, it has wings, it has eyes, it has a fucking BEAK, it has legs and little webbed feet. There's also some yolk and liquidy shit. But it no crunchy, they told me. 

My cousins, Uncles and my Aunt especially would suck these eggs down in front of me as if my little Asian American eyes hadn't seen or been through enough. They were not as gracious as my mother. They were messy. Like the Skeksis from the Dark Crystal at meal time.

When they were done they would smile at me knowing they had gray FEATHERS all stuck up in their teeth. Please kill me, just kill me. 

I came up with a game. One player, one winner. ME. It was aptly called "Chuck the Balut". If I saw a misplaced slightly oversized egg next to a purple undercover Easter egg in the fridge, it went right in the garbage. I'm in sooo much trouble. I threw them in rivers. Get the broom. I chucked them in the streets. Ass whoopin on the way. I left them for the animals. Who by the way wouldnt even eat them. So I ask you, which came first? The Duck or the Balut? 

See you next time on "Inside the Flip Side...Food Edition"




Asian Mothers as Defined by Urban Dictionary...Inside the FLIP Side

This isn't my definition. I came across this and it cracked me up...

Asian mothers are the worst of Asian parents. They are the ones, in particular, who bitch slap you if you get a B+ and force you to wear the cheap clothing they buy.

They are the ones, in particular, who ignore all your A's in your report and punish you for just one B.

It is the Asian mothers that usually buy cheap clothing for their kids, and the writing on the clothing makes no sense at all. To make things worse, they put mothballs in the closet to make the clothes smell like shit. So, you're wearing a shirt that makes no sense, and smells ridiculous.

Asian mothers are worse than Asian fathers. At least Asian fathers are laid back a little bit more and can tell properly if your report card is good or not.


Stay tuned for some scary food insight of my life at age five tomorrow on "Inside the FLIP Side"

"Purple Pooping Ice Cream Eater...Inside the FLIP Side"

I was starving for real food. Like a pancake or a chocolate chip cookie even.  Of course in the seemingly never ending torture that was my life, I was told I could have a pancake, but they would be made of meal worms. EW! How 'bout I kill your pet turkey & eat that, I know how. 

I was terrified of everything they fed me. I sniffed ALL my food very carefully.  I looked to see if it had eyes or if it squirmed. I would stare at long lengths.   Unless I saw it cooked in a frying pan myself with no weird ingredients I was not swallowing it.  I mastered chewing my food and spitting it into anything that would hold it, feeding it to the pigs later on.  For all I knew they could've been eating their own.  I could've started an epidemic...Mad Piglet Disease.

There was an ice cream man that would cross over the bridge by the river. (You know the river...where my future demise would take place) I wanted this ice cream.  How bad could it be?  Can you really screw up ice cream?  I should've known better.

I made my older cousin take me to the bridge because I knew the ice cream man would circle around ringing his little bell over and over. Im gonna get me some ice cream! <<steals more change & runs>>

Here I am thinking I am going to get some strawberry, chocolate or vanilla. NOPE. No Breyers within an 8500 miles radius.  I would have settled for Pathmarks no frills brand at this point.  The only flavor this ice cream man had was "UBE". Let me give you a little run down on what Ube is. Plain and simple it's a yam.  Not just any yam. This yam's bright purple, like Grimace from Mcdonalds.  What does it taste like? A freakin' raw potato. What kind of ice cream was I getting? Bright purple yam ice cream that tasted like a root vegetable. There were no sprinkles from this ice cream man. No cherry dipped cones either. This was clearly not Carvel.  

I had brought plenty of change so I made my cousin keep buying me more purple ice cream. It was terrible, but I was sure it wasn't cooked on a dung oven and it tasted better than beady eyed shrimp heads on a stick. When my cousin told me she was out of change, I whipped out all the change I had hidden in my pockets. HA HA HA...

Did I mention that I was Lactose Intolerant and only supposed to have goats or soy milk? Purple yam ice cream and my digestive track do not play well together and there was no stopping them. I will never forget being bellied over in pain from the stomach cramps.  Way before there were Skittles, I was already shitting a rainbow of color.  Uhhh.  It was purple and it was in my pants. 

See you next time on "Inside the FLIP Side" ;)





"If I Go, the Piggy Goes...Inside the FLIP Side"

I often think I suffered from some form post traumatic stress syndrome after I came home from the Philippines.  I mean how else could I remember every little detail of my dreadful time there?  I have had nightmares for years that I am drowning in rice patties, eaten by carabao, strangled by snakes, squashed by the piglets mother and eaten all the pets I have ever owned.  I swear, I am NOT bitter...

My brother would never remember being in the Philippines.  I am not sure whether to feel sad for him because of all the wonderful (gag) culture he missed out on or joyous that he wasn't tortured in such a way that my life was changed forever by the experiences back home.  He never left my mothers lap in the Philippines...oh those damn shackles & springs on his legs.  They saved his ass a whoopin, although I doubt anyone would wack a little Fama prince.

I couldn't wait everyday to sneak off to the candy lady.  I would steal all the change that fell off my dresser and rolled in between the bamboo before anyone else could.  I was closest to the floor besides my brother and he never stepped foot on the ground so I got first dibs.  Plus, if I was going to get a broom whoopin everyday, I should at least get paid for large amounts of sugar.  Grandma knew all my hiding spots anyway.  My cousin ratted me out.

Waking up tangled in a mosquito net every night and not being to able to go pee because I was terrified of what was lurking on the floor are what those nightmares were made of.  The gigantic cockroaches bigger than my face & creepy little lizards who ran up, down & thru the bamboo.  I am sure Godzilla, Mothra and Gamera were also close by.

The river outside my shanty had no guard rail and it was a long rocky way down.  If you fell off the edge, the giant crocs were going to eat you.  At least thats what I was told.  My Uncles threatened to throw me over the edge numerous times. The crocs had laid their eggs on a big pile of crap in the middle of the river. I tried to hit the eggs with rocks to kill the baby beasts that may or may not be having me for lunch.  I tried so many times and never hit them once.  My Uncles continued their scare tactics.  Ok fine, you full breed mofos, two can play at this game.  So, I grabbed a piglet and brought it over to the edge as leverage against my would be assasins. If I go the little piggy goes. If the little piggy goes, you starve.  MUAHAHAHA.  What a smart little half breed I was holding that piglet over the edge until...

You see your Grandmother holding two brooms and yelling your name.  Who the HELL gave her back up??

Til next time...I'll see you on the FLIP side...

"Its Raining, Its Pouring...Snakes...Inside the FLIP Side"

There wasn't much to do as far as fun during my stay in the land of rice patties & mosquitos. I was pretty much screwed during the day going to school. Til the stuck up nuns kicked my American ass to the curb. I dont remember how many days I was actually in school before I got the boot. Probably soon after I told the other half breed in the class that she was crazy for being in the Philippines when she was half American and should plan her escape to the states. I asked her "Why are you still here?  This place is disgusting!  You must get out while you still can!" I was sure she was brainwashed.  She told on me.  I should've carried the broom with me, just handed it off and bent over for my daily broom beatings.

I had never seen people use umbrellas when it wasn't raining out. My aunt who brought me to school everyday, often whipped one out and walked every where that way.  I thought she was crazy. Then again, I thought they were ALL crazy.   I refused to walk underneath.  The sky was not falling.  I wondered if everyone else thought she was crazy too because it was not raining. What did I know?

At night the men would gather by the pig sty for their night caps.  They didn't always know I was there.  I covered myself in mud so I  wouldnt get bit by the giant size skeeters and even better they couldn't see me.  I was the original Arnold Schwarzenegger from Predator except I was covered in pig shit mud hiding from my Grandmother. When the broom wielders weren't around, I would grab a chair and hang out with them. For no other reason than I was scared of what was lurking in the house full of Famas and what they would try and feed me off their dung ovens.  I should have been more frightened about what was lurking just above my head outside.

Everyone was an Uncle or a Kuya(elder boy relative).  I couldn't keep up with their names. There were too many of them and they seemed to multiply daily.  They all looked alike.  When they sat outside one always had a long stick. I thought he had a limp or something, but that wasn't what it was for. There I was caked in mud hanging with my little piglet friends when he would wack the trees. I would hear things land. Coconuts, I thought.  I really didnt know what was landing or where. I didnt really care til one landed right next to me. A BIG ASS MOTHER FUCKIN SNAKE!

I screamed and scared the drunks out of their chairs and was told NOT TO MOVE...yea ok buddy.

What five year old listens?? Not this one. I threw a sacrifice at the snake, a piglet and ran right into my Kuya who lifted me off the ground, shook me and said, "Be careful Jeannie, it rains & pours snakes here and they are poisonous!"

Rains & pours snakes?  Somebody give me a freakin umbrella...NOW!

Have you ever fought off a broom with an umbrella while you are covered in mud with a piglet in your arms?   No?   I have...teehee

See you soon on "Inside the FLIP Side" ;)